|I was more eager to google 'disgust' |
for this picture than I was to start this review.
For those who don't know, the Naruto part of fanfiction-dot-net has over four hundred and five thousand titles to root through, nearly four times the next-closest Anime/Manga category (Hetalia has 118,000 titles, Inuyasha has 116,000 titles, and Bleach is next with 83,000 titles. It only goes down from there.) Basically, Naruto has a ridiculous amount of stuff to read, and a full quarter of it is shitty porn. That's right, about 100,000 stories have been rated 'M' by their authors, so I had quite the selection. Who knew eleven-year-old ninjas with stupid cartoon hair could make so many authors turn to graphic depictions of sex and violence?
|PORN AND BLOOD AND DEATH AND FUCKING AND- huh? What do you mean, they're eleven? That dude in the back is CLEARLY at least fourteen, that makes this okay!|
A ninja named Sasuke (that weirdo on the left, in blue) is known in the early series as this ridiculously talented kid, but he's an emo little shitstain because his whole family got murdered, nobody understands him, his life is so hard. Yawn. The twist here is that his older brother, Itachi, was the one to take out good ol' Mom and Pop, so the remaining clan is probably not making any happy reunion plans anytime soon.
...That is, unless nikki3 has anything to say about it!
So there's your warning, readers. The author forgot the 'pedophilia' alarm, but trust me, it's there. When you add disclaimers like this into the foreword of your story, you need a 'pedo' tag. A 'Lolita Label', if you will.
|"Change their ages to whatever you want! As long as I say this, it's not gross; it's putting the impetus on YOU for thinking it's gross! I said that they're supposed to be a DIFFERENT age than whatever you're thinking of!"|
The author knows exactly what they're writing here. They know they're about to show off a murder/rape of a six-year-old and his family by an older brother, but they're trying to make it okay. Because it's supposed to be hot. And I'm the one that's going to hell? I mean, alright, that's where all of my sick burns come from, but... man. Why join me down here? I don't want your company.
...Okay, if you're so determined to stick around down here in the fiery pits of torment, the least I can do is share some of this eternal damnation and suffering. Without any further ado, here is 'Forbidden', by dear sweet nikki3. I'll skip past the Author Comments at the beginning, since we've covered most of them already; the fic will be printed in orange, and my sass will be in black.
It was the night of the full moon. The night's chill was overwhelming as coldness seeped in. The area was littered with corpses; the ground all covered in blood. There was only silence.
...And blood and corpses.
A young man stood in the midst of the slaughter that had taken place earlier. His scarlet eyes eyed the carcasses that littered the ground with much disdain.
'His eyes eyed'
//They all deserved it...//
Those backslashes are meant to be quotation marks, right? Really, really long quotation marks?
The frown on his lips slowly curved into a chilling smile. He wasn't ready to go yet. He had to wait... Wait for the most special person to return home... His beloved...
A little boy-
YOU'RE EXPLICITLY TELLING ME THAT HE'S A LITTLE BOY, how is this not supposed to be pedo? Really?
|This is the 'little boy' in question. But he's eighteen, promise. |
I swear. FLAMERS CAN GO TO HELL!
A little boy panted harshly as he ran home with an array of wildflowers in his hands. He had overslept after having his brother, Itachi, train him a bit. He had woken up to a field of beautiful wildflowers with a note from Itachi in his hand.
He took a few moments to appreciate the beauty of the field. He knew it was one of his brother's favorite places. Now he knew why. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The field exuded an aura of calmness and serenity.
Honestly, I'm just impressed that a kindergartner knows the word 'serenity'.
He opened his eyes and sighed. He wanted to stay there longer but it was already late and his family might be worried about him by now. He took a moment to read the note.
His eyes lit up and he smiled. The note told him to rush home. A surprise from aniki was waiting for him.
One quick aside, it's a bit of a dick move to insert random words in a foreign language into text and expect it to read as smooth and natural. Sure, there's translations at the end of the fic (they're down there, alllllll the way at the bottom), but that doesn't do much good up here, does it? 'Aniki' means 'big brother' for those who don't have an otaku's knowledge of oddly specific Japanese words. If you're gonna slip a second language in, go for it, but provide some better context to help the reader understand what exactly is being said.
Itachi looked at his parents' corpses on the floor... and felt nothing.
Didn't he feel disdain before? That... that is technically a feeling. Wait, never mind, that was the carcasses. He felt nothing earlier, his eyes just eyed things. Carry on.
Then he moved on to a corner and sat down. Closing his eyes, he waited.
//Sasuke-kun would be here soon...//
QUOTATION MARKS JUST USE QUOTATION MARKS
He licked his lips in anticipation.
//I can't wait...//
Sasuke stopped a good distance from his house. His eyes stared in horror as he took in the scene before him. The street was painted in blood and littered with the dead, both young and old. Who could have done such a thing? He didn't know.
//Aniki, would never have let this happen... ANIKI! OKAASAN! OTOUSAN!//
He's worried about his older brother, mother, and father (in that order). You're welcome.
He urged his legs to move. He had to know that they were all right! They just had to be!
He half-expected himself to wake up any moment now to find out that it was all a bad dream. But unfortunately, it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
|You don't say!|
Please don't write sentences that describe a character's thoughts and then instantly contradict them with narration. Please don't. Like, you've twice described the mangled remains of his parents; we get it. They're dead. We don't need the third reminder that they're not gonna wake up to give hugs and snuggles (or however cartoon ninjas show affection- throwing things?) to their child-little-boy-son after he gets raped by his older brother.
He clutched the flowers tightly, mad with worry.
//Aniki... Please be alright! I'm coming!//
Itachi opened his eyes as he heard someone coming. From the sounds of the footsteps, the weight of each step, it could only be one person... He smiled to himself.
//Now, I'll have him all to myself.//
He stood up and walked towards the middle of the room, where his parents' bodies were. He wanted to get a good view of Sasuke's face when he arrived and saw what he, the genius of the Uchiha clan, had done.
The steps drew closer. Then finally the door slid open behind him.
Those are quotation marks. You DO know how to use them! Was that stupid formatting from earlier supposed to be something else, like the character thinking? Really? Stop that.
Itachi smirked to himself and looked behind him. Sasuke looked absolutely delicious. The boy's face was flushed from running; his windswept hair was wild, as wild as the flowers in his hands.
...Right here, folks. Right here. This is the point of no return. You've been warned.
For a moment, Sasuke seemed relieved to see him... Well, that was before those dark eyes that should only be looking at him moved to the bodies on the floor. Those eyes were beautiful as they widened in shock then suddenly noticing the blood on his brother's clothes.
You managed to make that (disgusting) sentence nearly incomprehensible- bravo! I wish you'd gone the extra mile and written full-stop gibberish, though, so the rest of this sick trash couldn't have been comprehended by we mere mortal readers.
"I killed them."
The boy went still and numb as the sentence repeated itself over and over in his mind. The flowers fell from his hand and onto the floor.
I'm going to count how many times you've referred to Sasuke's age ('young,' 'boy,' ect) while still expecting the readers to not take this as pedophilia. Let's see, one... two, three... Five times, so far. Y'sick fuck. You even go out of your way to paint him as small and innocent in contrast to Itachi's blood-crazed, child-fueled sex drive.
The older Uchiha moved towards the younger, slowly but sure.
By the time Itachi had Sasuke within an arm's reach, Sasuke snapped out of his thoughts but it was too late for him to try and get away. Even when they were merely playing hide and seek somewhere, his brother would always catch him. This would be no exception.
He trembled in fright as Itachi bent to pick up one of the flowers by Sasuke's feet, holding it with two slender fingers. He inhaled its scent, placing it close to his lips.
"The flowers are pretty," he said, "Just like you."
|I'll keep going with this fic, but only because I love you readers.|
Sasuke swallowed hard. "A, aniki, I, I don't..." His words broke off as Itachi leaned over tucking the flower behind Sasuke's ear.
A strange smile ghosted over the prodigy's lips. He said, "Perfect." Then he crushed his lips against his younger brother's.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Sasuke's eyes widened in shock. //NO!// his mind screamed yet his traitorous body refused to push his brother away, instead, wrapping his arms around Itachi, pulling him closer... and closer...
YOU ARE FIVE YOUR BODY IS NOT TRAITOROUS, YOU'RE A TODDLER WHO COULD PISS HIS PANTS IN FEAR AND ARE ABOUT TO GET RAPED BY YOUR BROTHER IN FRONT OF YOUR PARENTS' CORPSES
NO 'BUTS', AUTHOR, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON AND THIS IS INEXCUSABLE, YOU ARE TRYING TO PASS THIS OFF AS SEXY AND IT IS N O T
Hands clawed at his back as skin met against skin, flesh against flesh. Lips touched, tongues danced... He didn't know how long they've been doing this, this union of the forbidden... but it seemed like it had been hours.
He didn't really care how long. His brother, iie, his lover was exquisite. He just couldn't get enough.
Again with the language thing- 'iie' means 'no'. It took more effort for nikki3 to type out 'iie' than it would have to just write 'no'. This is so stupid and doesn't enhance or help describe anything- actually, nikki3, please don't try to enhance or describe anything else. Please.
See? Even Baby Sasuke is agreeing with me here! He wants you to stop inserting random Japanese words too!
Sasuke's voice snapped him out of his thoughts as he suddenly realized that he had stopped moving. His young lover-
Six times. Just interrupting to remind you that 'young' means 'five years old' again.
-was gasping and writhing beneath him, face flushed, breathing harsh, eyes glazed with lust...
Or terror. Or pain. Or misery. Any of those would be more rational for a wee small young'n to be feeling in this scenario.
Then he gave himself to the exquisite sensations.
...I don't think any of those sensations are exquisite...
Reflections can wait.
Itachi languidly pulled on his clothes. He had to go. He glanced at Sasuke, who was kneeling in front of their parents, his eyes glassy. Sasuke's clothes were in disarray but it would affect much to the scene if Itachi wanted to play this right.
It would affect... much to... what? Why did you wait until now to finally descend into gibberish?
It was easy to hypnotize Sasuke afterwards. But he wasn't really planning to in the first place. He had planned to take Sasuke with him but...
The tears that fell from the young Uchiha's eyes after what they've done, could not be ignored. So he decided that this... altering Sasuke's memories... this will be for the best.
(Seven) ...So... You murdered your parents, raped your young brother, and then made him not remember any of the rape via hypnotism. Smooth.
See, the real problem I have with this fic (I mean, besides the incestuous pedophilia/rape) is how nikki3 is trying to make Itachi out to be relatable. I'm pretty sure the author wasn't going for a Lolita-esque angle here. I legitimately believe that they want us to find this sexy, in a messed-up/unstable way. And that's a problem, because that's disgusting and dangerous. Having a homocidal, rape-y brother isn't a sexy thing, it's a scary thing. Think about it! Seriously! This is kinda like Twilight or Fifty Shades being seen as a manual for attractive behavior; most of what's demonstrated in those is pretty unhealthy, but when played off as being desirable, the behavior runs the risk of being emulated or admired.
I just have a lot of emotions about safe loving, okay? Everyone deserves safe loving.
...Except for five-year-olds. FLAMERS CAN GO TO HELL!
//"I love you, aniki..."//
No, you don't.
He went down on one knee and caressed the smooth cheek and gently kissed those soft pliant lips.
As his payment for hurting Sasuke, even unintentionally, he deserved to die by no one else's hand but by his most special, most beloved person...
There is nothing 'unintentional' about cold-blooded murder. Or, y'know, rape. Those are both pretty intentional, and also painful.
He stood up and slid the door open. It was midnight. He sensed several nins coming. He glanced one more time at Sasuke and disappeared into the night.
As the story of the tragedy goes, it was past midnight before anyone outside the clan found out about the slaughter. A survivor was found inside one of the houses, who had no clear memory of the events that truly happened. Many have thought that it was either from shock of the events or from trauma of the perpetrator's Sharingan technique, Tsukiyomi.
'Tsukiyomi' is the jutsu (the magic ninja trick, remember?) that was used for hypnosis. It's also a really, really good name for a J-Pop band. Someone get on that.
The only survivor was... the Uchiha clan's youngest heir, Uchiha Sasuke, who vowed to kill his brother for the death of his clan. Yet... somewhere in the back of his mind... only one voice resounds louder than the rest...
//"I love you, Sasuke."//
WELP too bad that sweet, loving voice got hypnosis'd right out of him, Sasuke just goes on a revenge bender for the next fifteen-twenty years. I'm hoping someone will have made that J-Pop band by then. Someone? Anyone?
'Owari' means 'end', and somehow the author neglected to add that into their 'Terms Used' list below. I'm disappointed, nikki3! I thought you were more thorough than that- at least, based on your description of murder and pedophilic rape! For shame, nikki3. For shame.
 aniki- means big brother or older brother in terms of that brother being the eldest i think.
I already told them that, nikki3.
 okaasan- mother
Said that one, too.
 otousan- father
 iie- no
Author's notes: Well, that's it. This is the fic I told the Uchiha_Itachi group I was writing. I may have altered a lot of stuff from the original story. I don't really know much of what really happened that night. I'm not really used to twisting stuff around so I don't know how this would seem like to you guys. Ehe...~.~;
Don't 'Ehe... ~.~;' us, nikki3, you don't get to 'ehe' your way out of this one! You know what you've done! (You've written this story, is what you've done, which was a horrible idea and makes you a terrible person.)
Most of the info I got on Itachi came from the site, "Prodigy." If you guys are interested in Itachi-kun, visit this website. It's the only one I know that focuses solely on Itachi. It's great!^^ You guys should check it out!^^
If you got all your Itachi information from there, it's literally the most inaccurate thing I've heard of. Ever. Please no one check it out. Based only on this information, it is decidedly not 'great! ^^'. Ehe!
Anyway, please review. Replies to every review will be placed in my next fic. (Yes, I still have another one lined up.
But don't worry. For those who don't really like this pairing, it's not this pairing.
THE PAIRING IS NOT THE ONLY PROBLEM HERE
It's a different pairing again. And as usual, it'll involve Sasuke-kun.^^ In my opinion, Sasuke makes a good uke material.^^;;;
Seriously, quit it with the cutesy cartoon emoji faces. You're not allowed to make sweet little smiley faces when you're discussing the sexual deprevation of an eleven-year-old.
|I'm the only one allowed to smile here, and I'm a|
pile of shit. See? I've lost all hope for you, and I have
managed to smile through the pain. It's adorable.
But honestly, I didn't think my first Naruto fic would be well-received...
Chances are, it wasn't. It's certainly not well-regarded now, I can tell you that much.
*shrugs* I was kinda expecting it to be like my other fics on the Hunter x Hunter fandom. *shrugs again* Oh well.)
I still say, flamers can go to hell.
That, nikki3, is the only thing we can agree on- flamers can go right to hell. I'm waiting right here for them, and would like to give them a hearty 'thank you' from the bottom of my cold, dead heart.
-With Love, CGeez