This means... it's time for another review! Just what you've all been waiting for! I'M SO EXCITED I SWEAR
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| I AM THIS EXCITED (and I found this on another blogspot page, so credit where credit is due) |
Obviously, there are some exceptions, but many Zelda games trend towards this narrative. This fic by Swish is no exception: 'A New Hero' holds the distinction of being the twelfth story ever published on fanfiction-dot-net, so let that be some sort of indication as to quality. ...Actually, the fact that I'm writing about it at all should be some indication of quality- namely, that it has none to speak of. The fic is technically about an original character who is Link's son. We all know what (most) OCs mean for a fanfiction...
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| I'm going to imagine that Link's son looks like this. |
...Game start!
Hi, I'm Swish, The author of this fanfic.
You don't say.
Now, for those people that followed Zelda all the way from Zelda 1 to Zelda 5, you'll disagree with this story. But this is my version, kay?
I would never have guessed that your fanfiction would be your own story.
Also, One more thing, This is a long story. (It's not.) Please take time to print this.
...No. You should be flattered that I'm about to shred this to bits via Sassy Review, Swish. Don't get greedy and ask me to soil actual sheets of paper with this drivel.
The really good parts don't come until part 2 or 3. :)
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| Heeeeeeere we go. |
Aaah, I didn't think I was going to find something to really dig into so soon, but here it is: If you have to tell me that 'The good parts are coming, I promise, just stick with my shitty writing until I say so!', then your writing is... well, shitty. I'll kindly point your attention to real, published writing as an example- nowhere in a chapter of any book ever does an author feel obligated to remind the reader to keep on going until, say, chapter five 'because it doesn't get good until then.' If it's not good, don't write it. If you're writing it, make it good. Be confident in the words you're mooshing together into some semblance of sentences and paragraphs, because 'its' not good yet but i PROMIES it gets bettter!!!1!' doesn't sell me on your quality. It just reminds me that you have no idea what you're actually doing and makes me not want to read any further.
...For the sake of this review, though, I have to read further. SIGH.
Chapter 1
BOOM! It was raining. Raining hard. There was rain outside in our house.
YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY. I HAD NO IDEA. Also, how does it rain 'outside in' a house, does your roof have a lot of holes? Better get those fixed, dude.
The lightning seemed to rip the sky apart. I was scared. Alone. I looked around for my fatherhe wasn't there.
Please put, between 'father' and 'he', the following characters in this exact order: Period, Space, Capital 'H' (then delete the lowercase 'h' in 'he'). Thank you.
Nor was my mother, the Queen of HyruleThey wouldn't have left me here alone like this
Please repeat the above process between the words 'Hyrule' and 'They', substituting 'T' for 'H'. oh my fuck you're making me repeat myself like a shitty author you sly bastard i won't fall for your trap
I went got dressed and went outside. I saw Hyrule castle, just down the road. We lived In Kakariko Village so It was easy for me to walk. I entered the castle and saw that everyone had locked there doors.
...Wait, okay, this one took me a second because I was too focused on the garbage formatting. Your mother is the Queen of Hyrule but you live in a house with a sieve roof? Holy shit, your mother must hate you. Based on the beginning of this fic alone, I do not blame her.
"Hello..? Anyone?" I yelled.
No answer.
I continued to walk into the main castle. I noticed the guards were unconscious on the floor...or worse. There was a battleyes that had to be itbut it was overit was too quiet. Suddenly I realizedwhat
about father?
...Spaces. Spaces. Those things you're looking for are called 'spaces'.
I ran. Ran into the castle. Finally I came upon the courtyard and found him. My father. He is known as "The hero of time, Link".
Are you actually saying his name (Your father's name, the name of your father; it is his name. Your father's name.) out loud right now? Because that would be stupid, you see, and quotation marks are only used when something is being said out loud. So you are indicating to me, the average reader, that you are stupid.
He was defeated. He was lying in a small pool of blood.
"NO!" I yelled.
This couldn't be. It's not possible! I walked up to him.
Your father is lying in a pool of blood and you just walk over to him? Really? "Hi, I'm shouting with concern for your safety and health. Just give me a second to get over to you, I'm having a casual saunter."
He was barely alive.
Maybe if you'd gotten there sooner, things might be different...
"Son" he whispered. "II have lost name Hero of Time is no longer meant for me, but for you"
There are a number of ways to format that dialogue, and you found a way to do it completely wrong.
I couldn't speak.
I'm fairly dumbfounded, too.
"Take the legendary blade, and bring Hyrule to peace once more."
He moved his hand, pushing the Master Sword to me. He looked up at the stars, as an evil laugh was echoing.
"No" He whispered.
He closed his eyes. And he was gone.
"NO!"
The way you've written this makes it sound like Link, post-mortem, is screaming negations at the top of his undead lungs, since the last subject mentioned is 'he' in direct reference to Link.
I'm going to roll with that, actually. Zombie Link is incredibly upset about the evil-laugh ambiance overlaying his death scene. Good. Cut. Print (or don't).
I was kneeling in the main courtyard, crying. I grabbed the blade, and ran home in the storm, randomly hitting what I could, trying to burn some of the energy. I was home, and lied on the floor, crying.
"I was so upset, I grabbed my dead dad's legendary sword and ran through the worst weather while swinging it wildly and beating any inanimate shit in my path! It's honestly a miracle I didn't chop my own leg off in the hysterical fit I was having, and when I got home I dropped to the soggy, rainy floor. ...I still have to fix that roof."
Chapter 2
Light. It was morning. I looked out the window into the gleaming sun. Please, oh please I hope it was a dream I hoped. It was useless. I knew the truth yet I still hoped.
I looked outside and saw Hylian soldiers
against other soldiers in dark armor
There was a battle, just outside.
Was it just outside in your house?
I should stay in here. It's safer. Yes. That's it. I thought. I crawled under a table, gripping the Master Sword. I was sweating with fear.
See, if a vicious battle was going on right outside my front door, I might be thinking something more along the lines of 'Holy fuck, oh shit, oh shit!' That might just be me, though.
NoMy father would never have done this. I need to help...
I gathered up my strength, put on a white tunic, and grabbed the Master Sword.
I literally could not care any less about what color shirt you decided to wear today, friend. And wearing white in the middle of a battlefield is actually a really, really bad idea: you're either a walking target (get your own red rings painted on! hopefully not by your own blood!), or you're displaying that you're not on anybody's team, and therefore, are fair game for anybody's arrows. Or swords. Or pikes, or axes, or a good solid kick. You get my point.
My father told me he even fought Giant Dodongo's and Gohma's when he was Younger than me. I was only 13 now. I took a shield, my personal boomerang and charged outside
Chapter 3
"AAAAAHH!"
"Protect it with your lives!"
"We shall rule Hyrule!"
Those were the cries I heard as I went outside.
I could barely stand them. I was just about to run away again until I stopped myself about my duty as the new hero of time. Was I really the "new" hero of time?
No.
Could anyone replace the original?
No.
Should I even be considering myself a hero of time already?
No.
Too many questions, no time for answers.
'No' is one of the shortest words in the English language: I'm pretty sure you have time for those answers.
I took out my boomerang and lunged it forward.
"HAAAH!" I yelled as it flew.
BONK!
It hit one of Ganon's warriors. He fell to the ground.
How do we know these are Ganon's warriors? Is it because they wear dark armor? Why didn't you specify from whose army the 'enemy soldiers' were earlier?
I felt the adrenaline start rushing. I felt giddy. I felt strong. I felt like the hero of time. I whipped out the amazingly large master sword and attacked.
...You're thirteen. Your 'Master Sword' isn't amazingly large, and probably will never be. Stop whipping it out- and if you're really going to attack the soldier you just knocked over with your boomerang with your 'sword,' you have some serious problems.
SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
The battle lasted for hours. Until finally, the last few warriors fled into the woods. We won...WE WON! But...but for some reason I still felt that this was not my place, nor my battle.
Then why did you fight in it for literal hours? And... not your place? This was right outside your house! Man, when your front yard isn't 'your place,' you've got some serious pondering to do.
But I was rewarded by the armies leader at a secret hideout.
If you're looking to say 'the leader of the army,' then you're doing it wrong. You've pluralized 'army' instead of making it possessive. Both armies are not showing you a secret hideout, because that would be dumb.
Chapter 4
This hideout was located near death mountain and Zora's Fountain. Kind of in between. This land was unknown to almost all of the Hylians excepts the most trusted soldiers. He stood up and put his hand on my shoulder.
Who...? No, you know what, I don't care. I've given up. A nebulous, random, writhing mass of 'trusted soldiers' has extended a hand and put it on the protagonist's shoulder. Now we're in Silent Hill.
He had a white beard, and looked a little old. He looked worried. I told him all about what my father said in his last dying words...
"The monstrosity compelled me to speak further, spilling my most painful memories as it brought them to the forefront of my mind. The torture was unspeakable, the pain unbearable..."
"Young son of link.." he said."It must be hard to take such a task. But in the battle in Hyrule Field, you showed true courage."
Does Hylia regularly enlist thirteen-year-olds as troops? Is that why the amorphous mass of soldiers is so unphased by the protagonist's entry and assistance on the battlefield?
That made me feel a little better.
"However..."
Uhoh.
"I know it must be hard for you...having your mother captured by that beast, Ganon..."
Phew...no wait...She was captured? I had almost totally forgot about that! Now, I was mad.
I would be royally (ha!) fucking pissed if someone forgot about my mother being captured by The Big Bad, too. I really understand why Zelda didn't want this 'sword'-swinging little shit living with her in the castle proper, yeesh.
"it's hard for me too, but If you are successful in fulfilling your....your destiny, we may be able to finally defeat Ganon...But first, I must reward you...what is your name?"
"Kama...my name is Kama."
And there it is, folks- the only reason I tolerated four chapters of this shithive pile of slop was to show you the main character's name. It's 'Kama.' Four chapters in and we learn his name is 'Kama.' A protip to the author: introducing the character's name is a great way to introduce us to them and begin our emotional investment with them. The more we learn about the character, the more we care about them and their story.
I know that Kama's mother hates him, and he lives in a dump. I also know that I don't care about him in the slightest.
So, I'm stopping the fic here, though there are a grand total of twenty chapters in this mess- and I use the term 'chapters' loosely, since it's all formatted to fit within two actual separate chapters on eff-eff-dot-net... And each chapter (paragraph) is an average of only 275 words.
No one wants to read over 5000 words of this, so I'll save us the trouble and tell you the ending...
...Or, rather, there is no ending. The author never finished it, surprise-surprise. The last thing we know about Kama is that he wakes up at Lon-Lon Ranch, having been launched all the way there from Kokiri Forest by a giant Deku. (Was that last sentence even in English? I'm not sure at this point.)
I can't say I'm heartbroken that the story was never finished; it never even delivered those 'good parts' it promised us in 'parts 2 or 3'- but again, who's shocked? Not me, that's for sure. I'm bitter and jaded and cynical from over a decade of reading terrible fanfiction, and this fic has been here right from the beginning, setting the low bar for all future authors.
Until next time! This is CGeezman, signing off so I can go watch mind-numbing cartoons in preparation for the next painful story I'll have to review. It's like Novocaine for my intelligence.
...Spaces. Spaces. Those things you're looking for are called 'spaces'.
I ran. Ran into the castle. Finally I came upon the courtyard and found him. My father. He is known as "The hero of time, Link".
Are you actually saying his name (Your father's name, the name of your father; it is his name. Your father's name.) out loud right now? Because that would be stupid, you see, and quotation marks are only used when something is being said out loud. So you are indicating to me, the average reader, that you are stupid.
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| Congratulations. |
He was defeated. He was lying in a small pool of blood.
"NO!" I yelled.
This couldn't be. It's not possible! I walked up to him.
Your father is lying in a pool of blood and you just walk over to him? Really? "Hi, I'm shouting with concern for your safety and health. Just give me a second to get over to you, I'm having a casual saunter."
He was barely alive.
Maybe if you'd gotten there sooner, things might be different...
"Son" he whispered. "II have lost name Hero of Time is no longer meant for me, but for you"
There are a number of ways to format that dialogue, and you found a way to do it completely wrong.
I couldn't speak.
I'm fairly dumbfounded, too.
"Take the legendary blade, and bring Hyrule to peace once more."
He moved his hand, pushing the Master Sword to me. He looked up at the stars, as an evil laugh was echoing.
"No" He whispered.
He closed his eyes. And he was gone.
"NO!"
The way you've written this makes it sound like Link, post-mortem, is screaming negations at the top of his undead lungs, since the last subject mentioned is 'he' in direct reference to Link.
I'm going to roll with that, actually. Zombie Link is incredibly upset about the evil-laugh ambiance overlaying his death scene. Good. Cut. Print (or don't).
I was kneeling in the main courtyard, crying. I grabbed the blade, and ran home in the storm, randomly hitting what I could, trying to burn some of the energy. I was home, and lied on the floor, crying.
"I was so upset, I grabbed my dead dad's legendary sword and ran through the worst weather while swinging it wildly and beating any inanimate shit in my path! It's honestly a miracle I didn't chop my own leg off in the hysterical fit I was having, and when I got home I dropped to the soggy, rainy floor. ...I still have to fix that roof."
Chapter 2
Light. It was morning. I looked out the window into the gleaming sun. Please, oh please I hope it was a dream I hoped. It was useless. I knew the truth yet I still hoped.
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| But did you try hoping? Or perhaps you should have hoped. Maybe hoping would have helped. Also I fucking hate you. |
There was a battle, just outside.
Was it just outside in your house?
I should stay in here. It's safer. Yes. That's it. I thought. I crawled under a table, gripping the Master Sword. I was sweating with fear.
See, if a vicious battle was going on right outside my front door, I might be thinking something more along the lines of 'Holy fuck, oh shit, oh shit!' That might just be me, though.
NoMy father would never have done this. I need to help...
I gathered up my strength, put on a white tunic, and grabbed the Master Sword.
I literally could not care any less about what color shirt you decided to wear today, friend. And wearing white in the middle of a battlefield is actually a really, really bad idea: you're either a walking target (get your own red rings painted on! hopefully not by your own blood!), or you're displaying that you're not on anybody's team, and therefore, are fair game for anybody's arrows. Or swords. Or pikes, or axes, or a good solid kick. You get my point.
My father told me he even fought Giant Dodongo's and Gohma's when he was Younger than me. I was only 13 now. I took a shield, my personal boomerang and charged outside
Chapter 3
"AAAAAHH!"
"Protect it with your lives!"
"We shall rule Hyrule!"
Those were the cries I heard as I went outside.
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| If you read the last few sentences in Ben Stein's voice, it's ridiculously fitting. Imagine that he's doing his best to make the story extra-boring, too. |
I could barely stand them. I was just about to run away again until I stopped myself about my duty as the new hero of time. Was I really the "new" hero of time?
No.
Could anyone replace the original?
No.
Should I even be considering myself a hero of time already?
No.
Too many questions, no time for answers.
'No' is one of the shortest words in the English language: I'm pretty sure you have time for those answers.
I took out my boomerang and lunged it forward.
"HAAAH!" I yelled as it flew.
BONK!
It hit one of Ganon's warriors. He fell to the ground.
How do we know these are Ganon's warriors? Is it because they wear dark armor? Why didn't you specify from whose army the 'enemy soldiers' were earlier?
I felt the adrenaline start rushing. I felt giddy. I felt strong. I felt like the hero of time. I whipped out the amazingly large master sword and attacked.
...You're thirteen. Your 'Master Sword' isn't amazingly large, and probably will never be. Stop whipping it out- and if you're really going to attack the soldier you just knocked over with your boomerang with your 'sword,' you have some serious problems.
SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
The battle lasted for hours. Until finally, the last few warriors fled into the woods. We won...WE WON! But...but for some reason I still felt that this was not my place, nor my battle.
Then why did you fight in it for literal hours? And... not your place? This was right outside your house! Man, when your front yard isn't 'your place,' you've got some serious pondering to do.
But I was rewarded by the armies leader at a secret hideout.
If you're looking to say 'the leader of the army,' then you're doing it wrong. You've pluralized 'army' instead of making it possessive. Both armies are not showing you a secret hideout, because that would be dumb.
Chapter 4
This hideout was located near death mountain and Zora's Fountain. Kind of in between. This land was unknown to almost all of the Hylians excepts the most trusted soldiers. He stood up and put his hand on my shoulder.
Who...? No, you know what, I don't care. I've given up. A nebulous, random, writhing mass of 'trusted soldiers' has extended a hand and put it on the protagonist's shoulder. Now we're in Silent Hill.
He had a white beard, and looked a little old. He looked worried. I told him all about what my father said in his last dying words...
"The monstrosity compelled me to speak further, spilling my most painful memories as it brought them to the forefront of my mind. The torture was unspeakable, the pain unbearable..."
"Young son of link.." he said."It must be hard to take such a task. But in the battle in Hyrule Field, you showed true courage."
Does Hylia regularly enlist thirteen-year-olds as troops? Is that why the amorphous mass of soldiers is so unphased by the protagonist's entry and assistance on the battlefield?
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| I'M ENLISTING AND I'M BRAVE AND I MEET THE TEN-YEAR-OLD AGE REQUIREMENT, YOU GOT THAT, PUNK? |
"However..."
Uhoh.
"I know it must be hard for you...having your mother captured by that beast, Ganon..."
Phew...no wait...She was captured? I had almost totally forgot about that! Now, I was mad.
I would be royally (ha!) fucking pissed if someone forgot about my mother being captured by The Big Bad, too. I really understand why Zelda didn't want this 'sword'-swinging little shit living with her in the castle proper, yeesh.
"it's hard for me too, but If you are successful in fulfilling your....your destiny, we may be able to finally defeat Ganon...But first, I must reward you...what is your name?"
"Kama...my name is Kama."
And there it is, folks- the only reason I tolerated four chapters of this shithive pile of slop was to show you the main character's name. It's 'Kama.' Four chapters in and we learn his name is 'Kama.' A protip to the author: introducing the character's name is a great way to introduce us to them and begin our emotional investment with them. The more we learn about the character, the more we care about them and their story.
I know that Kama's mother hates him, and he lives in a dump. I also know that I don't care about him in the slightest.
So, I'm stopping the fic here, though there are a grand total of twenty chapters in this mess- and I use the term 'chapters' loosely, since it's all formatted to fit within two actual separate chapters on eff-eff-dot-net... And each chapter (paragraph) is an average of only 275 words.
No one wants to read over 5000 words of this, so I'll save us the trouble and tell you the ending...
...Or, rather, there is no ending. The author never finished it, surprise-surprise. The last thing we know about Kama is that he wakes up at Lon-Lon Ranch, having been launched all the way there from Kokiri Forest by a giant Deku. (Was that last sentence even in English? I'm not sure at this point.)
I can't say I'm heartbroken that the story was never finished; it never even delivered those 'good parts' it promised us in 'parts 2 or 3'- but again, who's shocked? Not me, that's for sure. I'm bitter and jaded and cynical from over a decade of reading terrible fanfiction, and this fic has been here right from the beginning, setting the low bar for all future authors.
Until next time! This is CGeezman, signing off so I can go watch mind-numbing cartoons in preparation for the next painful story I'll have to review. It's like Novocaine for my intelligence.
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