So, here we go again! This time we're in for a treat!
Now, I'm not going to say that the Homestuck fandom is insane, messed-up, and hard-up for social interactions that aren't over the computer or in cosplay... but sometimes I see a fanfiction that tells me everything about a fandom that I need to know. This particular fanfiction I'm introducing tonight is basically that I see A LOT of Homestuck fanfictions, not so much out of choice, but rather because a lot of "BAD" fanfictions seem to have a Homestuck tag on them.
Most of these Homestuck fanfictions about character-shipping or various degrees of sexual interactions. Some are actually not bad if you're into that type of thing, but others are either purposefully WRONG or full of amateur mistakes for nothing more than to make fun of... things? I think some of them are supposed to be ironic as well. Not sure. I get the feeling there is a certain amount of amusement to be gained in writing poorly. I am certainly not amused.
Most of these Homestuck fanfictions about character-shipping or various degrees of sexual interactions. Some are actually not bad if you're into that type of thing, but others are either purposefully WRONG or full of amateur mistakes for nothing more than to make fun of... things? I think some of them are supposed to be ironic as well. Not sure. I get the feeling there is a certain amount of amusement to be gained in writing poorly. I am certainly not amused.
Anyway, I'm not going to look at the ones written either as a joke or purposefully poorly because that's pretty dumb, let me tell you. Instead I'm going to focus on this particular fanfiction called "Birthday Gift!" by sora-uchiha. Yes, it's full of smut, full of two characters that are essentially related double-teaming an OC (original character) by the name of Hana. (Also, this same Hana seems to be the go to OC for this particular author. I wonder why.) So, this thing includes incest, a self-insert character, a girl having two guys going after her, no particularly good writing, cardboard cutout characters, and absolutely no real plot to speak of. Wonderful.
I have my own problems with OCs, especially since most of them seem to be the author self-inserting themselves into the proceedings. This one is no different and seems particularly gratuitous at that. I also HATE OCs and Mary-Sues with a passion. I would much rather read a hardcore and baffling fuckfic a million times over than anything about a Mary-Sue. They actually get me worked-up and angry. But this one deserves to have something said about it so that I can make a few points.
Anyway, let's get this fucker off the ground.
Uh-huh. Tell me more about how your self-insert is loved by these two characters. Also tell me why. Oh, of course you won't. Because there's no reason for these characters to "develop feelings for her." This is something I hate about these OCs. Look, give me a reason all of this is happening. Give me characters and a plausible plot. Don't just self-insert yourself into the plot, say that everybody loves everybody else, and expect me to be fine with that. I can't just suspend every little piece of my cynicism and disbelief.
but had yet to act on those feelings because they knew how the other felt. Dave knew that Dirk loved her, and Dirk knew that Dave loved her too. They were at a standstill, unsure of what to do. They both wanted to be with her, yet they both also knew how much the other would be hurt when they lost her.
They both loved her? Yes, because that's how it works. Two guys will always fall for the same girl and then respect the other when it comes to acting on those feelings. There shall be no fights, no arguments, no bothersome or petty disagreements that come up. NO. These fucking dudes will agree to care about this chick together, like what REAL BROS DO.
It was about a month after they both realized how they felt that Dirk came up with an idea. Why couldn’t they both have her?
What. Why would you even...?
They could share her,
No. I don't like where this is going.
Stop.
that is if she was
"Were" not "was." It's a classic mistake, but you're using a conditional clause here. And in this particular conditional clause there is no reason to believe that these two gentlemen would think that this young woman would want to share them in any way whatsoever. Therefore, the condition of their statement is thought to be more contrary to what they want or the fact of the situation. This means that "were" would always be used for a statement or clause like this. "Was" would in fact be used for a clause where the statement is not thought to be false, and this happens a lot less often. So, actually, in the English language, "were" should be used over "was" in most cases.
willing to be shared by two Striders. He figured it would be best to talk to Dave about the idea before he even brought it up to Hana. There was no point in him bothering her about it if Dave wasn’t
"Weren't."
even on board with the plan.
Turns out that Dave had been thinking something along the same lines.
Of course he was, the little shit.
He was willing to share if that meant that Hana would be happy and neither one of them would have to be hurt.
Because most chicks are absolutely fine with sharing two guys. And those guys will never become jealous of each other. They'll just be cool making the girl happy while she fucks both of them. That's how the world works, you piece of narrative excrement.
The problem was how to bring up such a topic to her. It’s not like they could just call her and suddenly be all ‘oh yeah, by the way, we both want to shove our tongues down your throat! Would that be cool with you if we shared you?’
Why not? I mean, yes, in normal world land, this would end badly, but I can already tell our wonderful OC Hana would be thrilled to get the attention of these two characters. They could say anything to her, and she would still be down for it. "Oh, hey, Hana! Any chance you'd be down with us both having sex with you at the same time?"
"Oh, that's my dream!"
"Hey, Hana, any chance we can make out and you can watch?"
"Oh, let me get out my special incest dildo!"
Ugh, I can't even...
That would probably be the worst way to try and bring this up. Probably get one or both of them a good slap or two also.
But only a slap. And a kinky slap.
Then the sassy moments happen.
They decided since both were involved they would talk to her about it at the same time, which led to both boys standing on her doorstep. After a good five minutes they both looked at each other and nodded.
They simply stood there the previous five minutes without speech, neither nodding nor looking at one another, just staring at a fucking door. Because that's how the Striders roll!
They were going to do this shit. Both raised a hand and knocked on the door at the same time. It wasn’t long before the door was opened and Hana smiled brightly at them.
“Dirk! Dave! I’m so glad you came over!” She hugged both of them tightly. She loved when they came to visit her. She enjoyed being around them.
Uh-huh. Now when are you going to mention that your character has an undying love for both of them...?
Most likely because she loved them both,
Ah. Not even an entire paragraph after she's first introduced, and she's already saying she loves them both.
Now, let me explain something to the masses reading this. Love doesn't work this way. While I think everybody in the world would be thrilled if love were this easy, it simply is not. Love usually takes a ton of work, a ton of emotions, and a ton of caring on all sides. It's something that can exist because the people involved are too stubborn to stop caring for one another or because of a time period of really passionate emotions have passed between the people.
It almost never happens because a bunch of people are friends, and then they suddenly love each other. That right there is high school emotions talking and high school experiences. It's going and saying you love someone without ever knowing what love is or what it has the ability to become. Love is not just going out and saying: "Boy, oh boy, I want to fuck that dude senseless." It's about some really heavy emotions, being able to stick with one another through thick-and-thin, come what may. Love is about making another person happy, but not just physically happy, but emotionally and mentally happy as well. Conversations mean as much, if not more, than actual sex. And if you disagree with me then go ahead and fucking look at how often you talk to someone you love compared to how much time you're sexing them up.
So, a romantic fanfiction shouldn't actually have all these sassy moments cluttering it up. It should be full of conversations, with characters connecting on levels beyond the purely physical, specifically if love is involved. You can't just tell me that all these characters are in love and have me accept that without questioning why. Give me a reason they all care for one another, something beyond, "Well, I want these characters to LOVE me."
I have no idea why I'm explaining this except for the fact that I think fanfic writers should know these things before they sit down with their shiny ANIME eyes to write about themselves fucking characters that they say they love. It's despicable and really downgrades what "love" actually means and just how difficult it can be to love somebody, and keep and grow in a relationship.
but that was a touchy subject. She wanted to be with them both, but she knew that would be almost impossible. There weren’t many guys who would be willing to share their girlfriend with another guy. She also wasn’t about to have a secret relationship with both of them in the hopes that they wouldn’t figure it out either.
I wish I could just shut this girl up. Look, there are reasons why a guy will not share a girl with another guy. If you don't know them then you're not ready to date.
I also like how sora-uchiha basically almost says she was thinking about the whole "cheating-on-both-boyfriends" thing, but refuses to do it. Not that she's refusing on any moral ground or anything that involves hurting their feelings. No, her sentence implies that she wouldn't do it because she's afraid one or both would figure out her pathetic ruse for being with both at once.
Hana quickly cut off her thoughts and led the two boys into her home. “So what brings my two favorite boys here today?” she asks while grinning at them.
She never opened her mouth, just grinned as words spilled from her throat. It kind of freaked them both out.
Also, sora-uchiha, pick a damn tense. I can already tell you are not going to be consistent with your tenses. Look, if you're writing in the past, used past tenses. If you're writing in the present, use present tenses. You can't be simultaneously in the past and in the present.
“Actually we wanted to talk to you about something kind of big and important.” Dirk says while sitting on the couch on one side of her while Dave moves to sit on the other side.
This dialogue is bad, and you should feel bad for writing it.
WHILE WHILE WHILE WHILE
“Oh? What’s so important that you both had to come over at the same time for?”
The dialogue will never improve, will it?
Fuck.
She was slightly anxious about what they were going to say. The two had lived in the same apartment for a while know.
"Know?" "Know!?" WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS "KNOW" DOING THERE? Did the word "now" grow a k-shaped tumor while I wasn't looking?
She only hoped that that didn’t mean they were both moving away.
“Well actually we came here to talk about us.” Dave said casually.
“Us? What do you mean?” She asked confused.
“Fuck it. We were going to ease into this conversation but I can’t take the anticipation. This shit is going to go down, so it might as well go down in a fuckin blaze of glory.
I absolutely love how Dave literally cannot take waiting for a few minutes to ease into an important conversation. He has absolutely no fucking patience. It's like he has ADHD or something.
Basically we’re both horny bastards
What. Where did that even come from? There are literally no other girls at all? And they have to start out with something no guy ever says to a girl?
Look, Relationship 101 advice guys: You never ask a girl out by saying you're horny. That's a no-no. No girl wants to be your fuck-pillow, got it? And if you're going to treat her like that from the get-go, then I hope the girl will be smart enough to shank you in the gut emotionally (and possibly physically because you deserve it, you asshole).
who don’t deserve you at all,
Okay, they have self-esteem issues too now?
Or rather the author just wants to hear these two boys tell her over and over again how wonderful she is and how much they don't deserve her. Probably because she has no boyfriend or significant other herself and feeds off of her own fanfic characters telling her how amazing she is. It's probably literally the only thing that gets her through the day, wishing that some guy who looks vaguely like Dirk or Dave will come up to her and treat her like this. Ugh, I just made myself sad.
Look, sora-uchiha, it's not hard for any girl to get a boyfriend. Here's what you do:
Step 1. Stop writing weird adult fanfictions about having sex with Homestuck characters.
Step 2. Go and find a guy you could like and start talking to him. No, he doesn't have to be named Dirk or Dave. He also doesn't have to look like them. He doesn't even have to like what you like. He just has to be a guy who you think looks nice or acts nice. Maybe he even has a crush on you. Wouldn't that be nice in hypothetical land?
Step 3. Does he have a girlfriend? If so, stop and go find someone else. Even if he's willing to share, she isn't. If he doesn't have a girlfriend and also isn't gay, you are free to proceed in any manner you wish.
Step 4. Got a guy? Good. Well, go and show your interest in him. Tease him. Pull his hair. make him laugh. Make him cry. Invite him to a movie. Talk to him, smile a lot, and make his heart jump. I'm sure he'd appreciate it and will eventually date you if he's not interested in anybody else. It's not hard. And this can and will work for ANY female. Seriously.
Step 5. Also, don't tell him you write adult fanfictions. That's a conversation that needs easing into instead of just screaming it out. Hopefully you're with him a good long while before that conversation ever rears its ugly head.
See? Not so hard.
but yet we are willing to share. Striders never share… That’s how fucked up this shit is. We both want to be with you so bad we are willing to share, what in the hell have you done to us you evil seductress!” Dave rambles out.
This dialogue is so bad that it makes "Mauling the Meatbag" look like Shakespeare in comparison.
Hana blinks while looking at him. “Wait what? Dave you confuse the hell out of me some times, and I can’t tell if it’s on purpose or not…”
Is Hana trailing off there or being cut off? Ellipses are used if a character is trailing off without finishing a statement, which Hana seems clearly to do. If she finished the statement, all you need is a simple period and you're golden. If she's being cut off, on the other hand, a dash is required, but it's impossible to tell from the context what's happening.
“Basically we both want to be in a relationship with you. At the same time. Sharing. Something never before done between two Striders. If you will let us that is.” Dirk try’s to clear up some.
"Try's?" There is never a moment in the English language when you will see this. It is not only not a word, it actually means nothing. "Tries" is the word you want here, but even that won't help the butchery in that last sentence. I know what you're saying, but that doesn't make that sentence pretty or less painful on the eyes or brain. Maybe say, "Dirk tried to clarify what Dave had said." or "Dirk tried to clarify their position."
“Wait you mean to tell me you both want to be my boyfriends?” She blushes lightly. “How would that even work?”
“Well we would take turns spending time with you and taking you on dates I guess.” Dirk shrugs.
“A-are you being serious?” She stumbles out.
“Serious as a fuckin heart attack.” Dave replies.
Hana is in shock. She never expected them to actually want to share her.
Really? Because I both expected and dreaded that plot-twist.
She wasn’t sure how this relationship was going to work out but she was willing to try!
It had been two years since Dave and Dirk began dating Hana
Wait, a two year jump in the story? So, this fanfic about an OC girl eventually getting reamed by both of these male characters needs to take place over the course of TWO YEARS? Wow, that is quite some relationship set-up for a smut-fic.
Also, put a comma after "Hana" for fuck's sake. Why must you insist on writing run-on sentences?
and they were currently planning a surprise for her birthday. They wanted this to be something she would always remember, something new. Something from both of them.
They looked at each other and nodded,
Using that exact phrasing from before is not a good thing. It's lazy and uninspired writing.
knowing what was going through the others mind. Smirks slipped onto both of their faces as the left to get things all set up. They only had a week to figure out how they were going to get her out of the house long enough for them to prep and surprise her. Turns out a week was more than enough time for two very determined Striders.
Dirk was waiting patiently on his bed. Today was Hana’s birthday
COMMA
and Dave had taken her out to the part
"Part?" What "part?" What does that even mean? Did you mean "party?" If so, then why haven't we established anything about it, especially if the "party" is so definite what with the definite article there to distinguish it from "a" party?
Or did you mean "park" and simply have no idea what spelling is?
in order to distract her long enough for Dirk to set everything up. There wasn’t really much to set up though. Just placing and lighting a bunch of candles and incents in his room.
"Incents?" What the flying motherfuck is "incents?" No, what the fuck is an "incent." Think about that fucking term for a minute. Think about it. Look it up in a goddamn dictionary and tell me what the fuck it means. Because it doesn't fucking mean what you think it does.
Now, all you had to do was look up the goddamn word in a dictionary. "Incense." Not so hard. Also, the word is both singular and plural, so you don't even have to worry about putting an "s" on a nonsense word!
He was currently setting
Setting what? Did you mean "sitting?" I bet you did.
on his bed in just his boxers waiting for Dave to return with Hana. Hopefully this would work out well. They have both had sex with her before,
Pfft. Obviously! What character that sora-uchiha likes hasn't Hana slept with?
Also, going by the past-tense of the story, "had" should either be used once in that last sentence or twice. "Have" has no reason to exist in the sentence, but obviously sora-uchiha has no idea what tenses actually are.
but never while the other was in the room. This would be the first time all three of them would partake in such actions. Dirk was slightly nervous about what was planned, but at the same time he was excited. He had been thinking about this for a while, and the more he thought about it the more he liked the idea of a threesome.
He looked over at the clock on the night stand. Dave should be here any minute. Then he will
Not "will." "Would."
lead Hana into the bedroom. Dirk was becoming antsy. He didn’t care for waiting, but he wanted this to be perfect. He wanted Hana to enjoy every moment of it.
As soon as he finished thinking that the front door opened and closed shortly after. He could hear footsteps making their way towards the bedroom. He could also here Hana’s voice.
“Dave! Tell me what you got me already!” she whined. Hana never did enjoy surprises, but the boys loved surprising her. Dirk smirked slightly remembering all the surprises they put her through.
Uh, Dirk seems to be describing those surprises as if they were painful for her. I mean, she was "put through" them. That implies she didn't like any of them. You don't "put" a person "through" something and expect them to like it. It implies she went through an ordeal. What did these boys do to her, and why do I want them to do it again just so that she can suffer?
Within moments the bedroom door was opening and they both walked in. Hana stopped a few feet inside the room staring at Dirk while Dave shut the door and gave his own little smirk.
“Wait… don’t tell me your present is Dirk in boxers…that’s cheating you know…” Hana mumbled.
Cheating in more ways than one!
I also find it funny that the way the dialogue is stated with her mumbling, there's an implication that she thinks that Dave is pawning her off on Dirk. Like Dave's saying, "Yeah, go sleep with this dude. I'm just going to... uh... not be around you instead." Like he's tagging out of sleeping with her. I love the implication.
“Not exactly. There’s more to it than that.” Dave stated while stripping down to his boxers and moving to sit on the bed next to Dirk. Hana blushes at seeing both her lovers practically naked and side by side.
“W-what’s going on?” she stutters out slightly turned on. She’s had multiple dirty dreams about making love with them both at the same time.
I. Would. Have. Never. Guessed.
It's not like this fanfiction is basically a written down dirty dream about fucking both of them at the same time.
Oh.
She’s also caught herself daydreaming about both of them being in her at the same time thrusting as their cocks rub against one another inside of her.
Uh... wouldn't two in her at the same time not exactly... uh... hmmm...
Hana bites her bottom lip trying to stop her train of thought from going any further into the gutter.
What the actual fuck? You don't want your thoughts to go further into the gutter after your mind just goes to two cocks (from your two boyfriends) rubbing together inside of your gigantic vagina? You can't pretend to be innocent and virginal while you dream of having them both, think of having their cocks both inside of you, and are fucking either of these two guys whenever you want. You are so fucking far into the gutter that you're rooming with fucking Pennywise. You can no longer go deeper. You've hit your fucking limit.
“This is your present. We decided we wanted it to be something you would be sure to remember so we figured we would indulge you in the pleasure of a threesome.” Dirk smirked.
This is when most actual women would literally walk out of the room and NOPE out of the entire thing. But Hana is daring. Hana is horny. Hana has the biggest vagina this side of the Earth.
“You’re chance at being with two Striders at once. Something most women and even some men can only dream about.” Dave grins.
"Your" not "you're."
Wow, Dave, not only do you not sound like Dave, you no longer sound human. Who would ever say that? I also find it interesting that "he grins" the statement at her.
Hana only stands there fidgeting and blushing at what they just said. Did they really decide to give her this as her birthday present? How could they have possibly know she would want to do this? Or did they even know?
“How did you know I wanted to do something like this?” Hana manages to calmly get out while flushing more.
Are you serious? The end of that sentence, out of context, makes me think that she was furiously trying to flush a gigantic shit down a clogged-up toilet.
“You just told us.” Dave smirks, much like the cat that caught the canary.
“Take your clothes off and come here.” Dirk tells her while patting the spot on the bed between him and Dave. Hana blushes but does as told, quickly stripping down to just her bra and panties before stepping forward towards the bed.
You're still wearing clothes, Hana.
“All of them.” Dave says before she can get too far. Hana pauses and blushes while taking off the remanding
I know you mean "remaining" here, but "remanding" makes it funny, basically saying that her clothes are trying to escape her body. I believe they no longer want to be on her. Who would?
clothes leaving her completely naked as she walks
I have to believe we have now entered the present. The past tense has been left behind.
over to sit between both of the Striders. She had never imagined
Sora-uchiha, what the fuck did I just say about tenses? You can't move back in time without a fucking time machine.
something like this might happened, so she wasn’t sure what to expect. Even all of her dreams didn’t prepare her for the real thing.
Both Striders lean over and begin kissing and sucking at either side of her neck.
They're going to leave marks. How are you going to explain all those neck-bruises, Hana? Or are you simply the kind of person who's going to wear turtlenecks for the foreseeable future?
She gasps and arches as they read up
"Read up?" Did you mean "rear?"
and take one breast in their hands massaging and pinching at her nipples while leaving love bites all over her neck and collar bone. She tangles her fingers in their hair as they kiss down her chest and take her nipples into their mouths sucking and tugging lightly with their teeth. Hana whimpers and moans as they continue to toy with her nipples while sliding their hands much further south.
Are... are they going to Mexico? Cross that border, dudes! Cross that... oh, fuck... I think I know where their hands are actually sliding. And I don't want to know anymore.
Dave begins stroking her nub softly as Dirk slides one finger into her opening slowly thrusting it in and out.
This is the first moment I really want to point out that canonically Dirk is gay.
Also, why the fuck are you writing a hardcore fanfiction when you seem squeamish at writing what the female reproductive organ is called? I've seen this a lot and have never understood it.
Hana arches
"She's arching again."
"Didn't she already do that?"
"Yeah, but she's still doing it. Going to be a backward circle soon enough."
and whimpers
Again.
as they
continue to
touch her. Her dreams were nothing compared to this. The feeling was like liquid fire shooting through her veins.
So, it's like death? You feel like death.
She was burning up, her body was hot all over and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t cool down. It was devouring her
comma
eating away at her body. She felt like she would burst into thousands of piece
You forgot an "s" in your thoughts there, Hana.
from just the heat alone. She was arching
"She's going critical, arching right back into herself!"
into their every touch. Her legs spreading wider of their own will, wanting more. Her whole body was screaming for more. She wanted more. No she needed more.
A strangled whimper
I get it, you don't know terms like "moan," "groan," "crying out," or just "silently enjoying," do you? Of course not. If you did why would you keep using the same word over and over again?
escaped her as Dirk slid in a second finger, slowly thrusting them in and out as he scissors her.
Uh... what? What the fuck does that even mean? Is he doing a cutting motion within her vagina? Is he actively pretending to snip her labial folds with his fingers?
You know what? I don't care. Scissor her all you want heterosexual-Dirk.
He was stretching her as much as possible preparing her for something she’d never before experienced. Preparing her to be filled by not one but two dicks.
So, you can type "dick" and "cock" but never "vagina" or "pussy?" I mean there are other names for the area DOWN THERE that you seem to constantly refer to in the vaguest and most harmless terms. Look, your OC is actively fucking these two characters and yet there is no concrete reference to HER SOUTHERN CONTINENT. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Just when she’s finally starting to feel like she might be able to breathe again Dirk slides a third finger into her stretching her more, wider. She whimpers
"The "whimpers" have reached dangerous levels!"
as her body moves against their hands and Dave begins rubbing her nub harder and faster. Just when she feels like she’s finally going to be freed of the burning flames rampaging through her veins the boys remove their hands. Her body is shaking as she tries to calm her racing heart. Dirk smirks as he leans down and sucks softly on her lower lip before removing his boxers and moving to lie on the bed. Hana watches him curious as to
see
what he’s doing.
Also, gt rid of the "as." Sora-uchiha, I should not be helping you write this fucking piece of sewage fanfiction. You should be able to finish sentences yourself. You should be capable. But you are not. This is a fanfiction any degree of writer could write better than you. Anybody could take this material and make it something that could be at least mediocre. Well, anybody but you.
But I suppose your mind is on other things, what with you getting off to your own fanfiction while you're writing it. Whoops, I'm not supposed to imply that, am I?
“Come here.” He beckons her to him. Hana blushes
The only characterization that I've gotten from Hana is that she "blushes" constantly, has no compunction about going out with or fucking two guys at once, and arches and whimpers until both words lose all meaning.
and does as he asks, moving to straddle him. She hears shuffling behind her and can only assume that it’s Dave removing his own boxers before moving behind her and pressing against her. Hana gasps lightly as the two boys both grind against here
"her"
at the same time. Dave leans down and begins kissing her neck slowly as dirk
Names are supposed to be capitalized.
slides himself into her. Hana can only whimper
Are you for real? Seriously?
helplessly, lost in the feeling as the fire in her burns brighter yet again.
As Dave reaches around to play with her breast Dirk reaches down to squeeze her ass
You can write down "ass," but you have a fucking problem writing down actual terms for the vagina? What the hell is wrong with you?
while thrusting in and out of her slowly. After a few moments Dave decides to join in, sliding his dick into her along side of Dirks.
"Alongside." Goddammit, I don't want to read this anymore.
The boys both groan hotly at the feeling of heat radiating around their dicks as they are forced to rub against each other making even more friction. Hana continues to whimper out incoherent words as her eyes roll back into her head. The feeling of burning alive increasing, and it’s a good feeling.
Tell that to people who have actually burned alive.
Both Striders begin thrusting in and out of her quickly making her moan louder than she normally does.
And let me tell you, she's normally always moaning!
Hana attempts to try and thrust back,
Uh, what? How is she even "thrusting back?" I get that a woman can undulate and hump a guy, but she's getting double-teamed here. I'm pretty sure she can't do anything but take it.
but the more she tries the harder it is.
What the fuck is harder!? This sentence seriously makes me believe that she has a dick too... which may be why her sex-bits are never stated. God, oh man, what even is this fanfic anymore?
With each thrust she feels more and more light headed.
Put a dash between "light" and "headed."
Slowly losing control over her own body.
“O-oh! Y-YES! HAR-HARDER!”
Honestly thought that first "HAR" was her laughing.
She begs while biting her bottom lip almost to the point of bleeding. She needs this more than anything. She needs to reach her orgasm. Her body won’t stop burning until she does. She whimpers
Seriously, shut up. Nobody wants to read about you whimpering or even read that word anymore. Dammit, every time I see that word I'm going to see this shitty fanfic in my head. Thanks for that. No really. Use a fucking different fucking word. There is no excuse for this. You can find a thesaurus easily online or on your computer. Use it when you think you may be overusing a certain word. Not that you thought about this, not that you wondered about quality in this piece of sewage-shit you call writing.
No, seriously, fuck this garbage, and fuck you for writing this. I know I'm going through shitty fanfics and saying things about them, but how do you even not know the basics of writing? Look, don't overuse certain words or terms, have a story and plot that you are telling, and have characters that have characteristics. Yes, there are other rules, but motherfuck, you seem to violate even these basic ones, so how can I trust you to understand the more complex ones?
I don't care if someone wants to write a well thought out fuckfic or a really weird romance, but at least write it well. Use some time and thought about the whole process, and make it a decent quality. Or try to. I mean, seriously, spend more than an hour writing the fucking thing. And maybe edit it a little.
hotly as the boys do exactly what she ask
You really have a problem with typing the letter "s," don't you?
thrusting harder and even deeper into her. She never would have believed she’d ever feel something like this, hell she didn’t even think they would both even fit to be honest. Striders were defiantly not lacking when it came to size.
"I am not lacking when it comes to size!" Dave screamed defiantly.
"The same is true for me! Never insult my size again, you knave!" Dirk retaliated.
Dirk and Dave both made groaning noises as they continue
Seriously, you have TWO fucking tense changes in the same fucking sentence! How do you not realize that?
pounding into her, not pausing for a second. They needed their release just as much as she did at this point. They never imagined that having their dicks rub together inside of her would be so exhilarating. It made the heat and pressure around them so much more. They both speed up with their thrust at almost the same time knowing they are close.
It only takes a few more well placed thrust
Did your keyboard not have a working "s" key sometimes?
before all three of them are a screaming and moaning mess of sweat and flesh. Dave moves off of her and lies on his side pulling her down in front of him. Dirk turns so that he is facing her. The boys both wrap their arms around her tightly pressing their bodies together.
Wow, all three finish at the same time? Nobody jumps the gun? That's impressive...
...and unrealistic.
“Next time you might not wanna use candles.” Hana manages to mumble out while nuzzling into dirks chest.
Dirk is a fucking name. And he would be possessive of his own chest, not plural. Stop butchering my English-fucking-language.
“Why not?” Dirk ask while playing with her hair.
“Because now one of you have to get up and blow them all out so they don’t start a fire.” Hana grins into his chest.
“Fuck!” Both Dirk and Dave moan out in displeasure, not having thought that far into the future.
Great ending. I'm glad I read that.
*Sigh* Do I even have to say anything else? This fanfic makes me angry. It has no real understanding of the English language, and uses it furiously and without thought. There are no characters here, only cardboard cutout action figures looking to bump against one another for a while. The OC is especially bad, being basically the author's self-insert character, showing her desire to get fucked by very young men. (Because remember, in the comic proper both of these characters are 16 or under... and whether the fucking author knows it or not, even upping their ages still doesn't change the fact that she wants to get fucked by children.)
There is nothing of value here. It is not a good fuckfic, nor a good anything else. The writing is atrocious, the overuse of certain words almost criminal, and the "characters" and "dialogue" a blight on the human species. While this is nowhere NOWHERE near the worst Homestuck has to offer, incestuous sex is nothing to cry at here. This should be the bottom of the barrel, but we're not even getting FUCKING started.
Do you even understand? This is a fucking masterpiece compared to other things. I kind of want to drink a lot of something now.
