A Good Place to Get a Fuck

Original artist unknown. It's probably better that way.

Hey! New contributor to the SFFA here. I'm Cgeezman, Saquarry's girlfriend, and I've read more than my fair share of bad fanfiction. I've been on the internet for over a decade now, and some of these just... amaze me. I'm always finding new lows I was previously unaware authors would sink to; I guess I enjoy tormenting myself with ever-worsening tales of depravity. Hurraaaaaaaah.

Honestly, as far as bad fanfictions go, I don't think this one is so terrible. It's on the shorter side and the kink isn't even really squicky (voyeurism), but... It's just poorly done. I can't even. I'm starting out slow with this one, and will probably work on to longer and/or more deviant fics.

I'm sure most readers have played Neopets at least once in their lives- visited the site, had a pet, abandoned it after a few months or so of playing. Maybe they've even kept up with it, or have revisited recently and kicked back up their account (like I have). And honestly, I knew Neopets fanfiction existed, but I've never been into the furry/anthro scene. It's just not for me. I can't even properly imagine these little things going at it- I mean, really. Do you know what Neopets look like?

THIS is what a Neopet can look like.
Now imagine it with a penis.

Do you understand how I can't take this seriously? I cannot imagine sexualizing these pet-pixels... But apparently, purpleunity321 can picture it quite clearly. They've made this small gem, I'm In Heaven, and it's about a nondescript Neopian family on vacation... with one of the children eventually finding a couple rutting like there's no tomorrow. One of the two lucky Neopets is Garin, a pirate captain.

This is Garin. He is a yellow Usul.
Would you like to see what a non-costumed Usul looks like?

Of course you do. This is also a yellow Usul.
Now imagine them fucking, and try to take yourself seriously as a person ever again.

Garin's lover is Allador, a Gelert assassin. I think this character is original to purpleunity321, at least, since extensive searching (read as: ten minutes of google and the Neopets Wiki) has turned up no known character with that name- or, at least, that spelling. Point being, this is what a Gelert looks like.

Now available in blue, red, yellow, green, and assassin-
for all your fanfiction needs!

Now that you're basically aware of what characters we're dealing with here, I'll leave you to the actual meat of the story (the meat is fucking). All of purpleunity321's text will be in red (because fuck purple, okay?), and my commentary will be in black.

Partly/kind of/not really sequel to "Dirty Little Secret" Though not as good. Enjoy! Smut, use of curse words, voyeurism, furries, anthros, and dark dirty little secrets. Don't likey, back clicky. Song!fic.
I do not own Neopets; I just sometimes play on the song, which is by ATC (I'm in Heaven). I really own the girl, that's it.

I should mention, a songfic is where the author takes the lyrics of a song and merges them with their own writing in an attempt to combine the mood or gist of the song with their work.

They usually suck.

(Earlier)
"Come along children!" cried a female to the three neopets, laughing as she spun around.

A female... what? There's about fifty different Neopets this 'female' could be. I guess you just really don't care about this character at all, do you?

"booooooook…pay attention for once," complained the lupe of the group.

Bok? Book? Why is this not capitalized? Why is Bo(o)k not paying attention?

Also, this is a lupe, for reference.

I guess this author REALLY likes dogs.

The girl laughed again.

When did she laugh for the first time? Did I miss a sentence somewhere?

"Why shouldn't I? We're at Krawk Island!" she crowed, then ran off to look at some random shiny thing. The lupe sighed. Everything to her was a game, every trinket a toy. It got old quickly...

You're telling me.

you captured me with a stare
I'd follow you anywhere
You lead me into temptation
condition me to enjoy
I'm like a kid with a toy
I'm losing my concentration

This... doesn't quite fit the image we were just given of a hyperactive, inattentive, irresponsible 'girl'. I assume she's some species of Neopet, but we're left to wonder. 


(Later)

Yes, it would be happening later than the post marked 'earlier'.

"nnnnhn…Gods Allador! Harder!" cried the pirate usul as his lover pushed into him. They were in a hotel, on Krawk Island, were it was filled with pirates and such. But it was also a good place to get a fuck.

A good place... to get a fuck. How does one get a fuck? What happens if they run out of fuck? Can the fuck factory break down, or something?

"Hello, sir, I'd like to purchase one measure of your finest fuck." "I'm sorry! But we're fresh out of fuck. We simply have no more fucks to give. Can I interest you in a well-sized screw, instead? Or perhaps a sample of sleeping around?"

Allador and Garin rented a room for the week, Garin saying, "he needed to do something important" and Allador merely said "vacation". It hadn't pleased Garin's crew and The Darkest Faerie so well, but the complied. Mostly.

What do you mean, they 'complied mostly'? If your ship captain says he's got some important shit to do without you, there's really nothing for you to comply with. There's not even a 'mostly' about it.

"Aim your face at the camera, Love," panted the assassin and he pushed into Garin. Garin moaned, only this time, not with pleasure but embarrassment.

I am displeased at your improper capitalization of names and titles, purpleunity321. This is your second infraction. One more, and I have to call the Capital Police.

"Why are we doing this again?" Garin gasped when Allador pushed out. The gelert chuckled.
"Because The Darkest Faerie has a dark secret: she loves yaoi," replied the slick voice behind his back and he pushed back in. Garin moaned.

THE DARKEST OF SECRETS.

"Well-Oh Fyora Allador, do that again!" The Gelert Assassin snickered and complied.

For those who don't know, Fyora, the Faerie Queen, is the equivalent of Glenda the Good Witch (from The Wizard of Oz), and the Darkest Faerie is like the Wicked Witch of the West. I'm pretty sure that the Faerie you're recording the porn tape for wouldn't appreciate you moaning her rival's name like she was God in the middle of her sex film. Might take her out of the mood, you know.

Also, you're missing a comma in between 'Fyora' and 'Allador'. Just saying.

Garin moaned at the intense stare he was getting from the Gelert. It was so intense, so filled with love and lust and dominance, that Garin felt his stubbornness wilting…his concentration faltering…pleasure overriding his senses…he couldn't get enough of it…he was on fire…

I imagine that you might get a little distracted if you were on fire. Maybe you should stop fucking and take care of that little problem.

One kiss from you I'm on fire
your touch is all I desire
One look and you take me higher
You know I couldn't resist
Yeah I miss
every time I'm with you
Every time that we kiss
(Earlier)

Oh, shit, are we going to time-skip in here? Let's make this non-linear, bitches!

"Where are we going?" sang the girl.

Weren't you supposed to be going with that 'female' mentioned in the first sentence of this story and then never heard from again?

"No." book pouted at the lupe.

WEEWOOWEEWOO THIS IS THE CAPITAL POLICE, COME OUT WITH THE FIRST LETTERS OF ALL PROPER NOUNS UP!

Also, you didn't answer the question. "Where are we going?" "No." ...What? ...And why the hell were you pouting?

"Awww, you're no fun!" They were at the pier, a shady part of it. The mynci looked around nervously.

When did a mynci (a monkey-like Neopet) get here? Is Book a mynci? Will we ever know the answers to these questions? No, because purpleunity321 doesn't answer any. Even the ones they ask themselves.

"Umm…book…maybe we should go." The gelert and the lupe eagerly nodded their heads.

I SAID COME OUT WITH THOSE CAPITAL LETTERS HIGH IN THE AIR WHERE WE ALL CAN SEE THEM!

"Yeah; like Mystery Island!" cried the girl gelert. Book stopped skipping and tilted her head.

The fuck? This is the dialogue.

"Book, maybe we should go."
"Yeah, like Mystery Island!"

What's like Mystery Island? Book? Yeah, she's an enigma wrapped in a mystery, tied with a neat bow of a puzzle. And she's an island.

"Guys…you go on back. I need to check on…something." The neopets were gone in a flash.

Book turned and followed the faint sound she heard, the sound of moaning.

Either she has some super ears, or Garin and Allador are being loud. Why couldn't the other Neopets hear that?

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I go crazy when you kiss me
Show me how you miss me
Take me with you back to wonderland
You know I couldn't resist
Yeah I miss every time I'm with you
Every time that we kiss

Yes, because a young girl (Neopet.... something) running away from the three others she's travelling with really fits the lyrics. It's stupendous and really sets the proper mood!

(Later)

Fuck this time-skipping. Seriously.

"A…" gasped Garin as Allador grasped the usul's cock, slowly sliding up and down. "oooh…" moaned the pirate.

I have never read anything as sexy as 'grasped the usul's cock'. Remember what an usul is, dear readers? This is an usul.

Now grasp its cock.
Sexy, right?

The assassin chuckled contently.

*contentedly

"You're doing lovely, my beauty," he whispered into the sensitive ear of Garin's. The usul gave a gasp and the hand went low to fondle his balls.
"Please…" the bottom whispered. "please…" Garin could feel the smirk turned into a smile on his back.
"As you wish; She already got a pretty good show," the slick voice hissed and he gave the cock one last pump. Garin came with a passion.
"AH!!!"
"ALLADOR!!!!"
And Allador couldn't get enough of it.
He couldn't get enough of Garin, because without him, he would go insane…

I dunno, Allador, you're already sliding down the slippery slope of madness. You're fucking one of these things, remember?

"AH!!!" "ALLADOR!!!"

I'm not going to go into that sex scene, either- but I will say that "fondle his balls" is another one of those phrases that tends to be a little bit of a mood killer, regardless of what species' balls are being fondled.

I dream of you every night
feels like I'm losing my mind
this feelins just getting stronger
my head is spinnin around
you play with me but I'm bound
I can't resist any longer

"Where…?" muttered book as she searched for that sound. It was getting louder. She turned a corner. Sounds of words were heard. She started to run.
'I sense…'

Wait... no '(Earlier)'? Are we finally synced up on the timeline?

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I go crazy when you kiss me
Show me how you miss me
Take me with you back to wonderland
You know I couldn't resist
Yeah I miss every time I'm with you
Every time that we kiss

"That was the best sex ever," sighed Garin. Allador hummed with agreement.

"And you know, the best part was that we did it all on camera for your boss."

"And you know what's the best part?" Allador looked at Garin curiously.
"What?"
"That you get to stay with me, during the afterglow," grinned Garin, tracing circles on Allador's chest. The seme snorted.

"Well, yeah, that too, but. I mean. Come on, camera. For my boss."

"I thought it was when I let you cum," the gelert assassin replied slyly. Garin blushed and mock punched his shoulder.

"No, that part sucked."

"Pervert," he muttered and his love chuckled.
Suddenly a noise was heard.

Noises do tend to be heard, yes.

"What was that?" Allador's ears pricked up. Garin yawned.

"Probably nothing; come on, get back to bed," ordered Garin. Allador just laughed and pulled him down into his embrace.

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
Ooh its heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I go crazy when you kiss me
Baby don't resist me
Take me with you back to wonderland
You know that I'm hypnotized by your eyes
and I just can't resist
Every time that we kiss

(Outside)
book stared at the couple.

WE'RE GOING TO SAY IT ONE MORE TIME- CAPITAL LETTERS. PROPER NOUNS. UP.

She saw everything.

Where the hell were you, that you saw all of that? Did you get inside their hotel room? ...Were they fucking on the pier?

'Holy…' she thought with wide eyes, ducking down.

'That…was…'"Amazing…" whispered book, clutching at her nose.

"Amazing…"

"Yeah, 'amazing'..."

You know that I'm hypnotized by your eyes
and I just can't resist
Every time that we kiss

As long as you can resist ever writing something like this again, I think we're good.

Ridley and (Dead) Samus Engage in Tame Necrophilia in "Ridley\'s Relief"

I really would much rather be reviewing almost anything else for my other blog right now. Watching a good horror movie or playing some horror game would be absolutely wonderful and a palate cleanser to boot. But I can't. I can't because I've found too many bad fanfictions and the world needs to know my pain. These are where the true horrors lie, where there is nothing but pain, misery, fetishism, and the weirdest kinks that I have ever known. That people would write these fanfictions down is baffling to me (and then posting these things on the internet for all to see is downright bizarre), but that some might get off to this shit... 

I'm trailing off because I can't even process the kinds of people who enjoy this without wanting to stick their head into a blender afterwards as a gift to mankind.

I understand that this fanfiction might have the implication of graphic content, but I assure you that this is the tamest necrophilia rape fanfiction I have ever read. 

So, quick introduction just in case you know nothing about Metroid: Samus is basically a female space bounty hunter with a heart of gold, who never really hunts bounties as much as kills space pirates. She's the one on the left of that video game box art at the top, you know, the one with the armor and the laser gun for an arm. Ridley, our protagonist for this story, is a giant red space dragon who also happens to be one of Samus's major enemies in most of the games. Their major interactions are that Samus fights Ridley a lot and Ridley stole Samus's baby metroid. Eventually she kills him... but this is an alternate story...

So, let's get started with a little introduction, a disclaimer, and a warning from the author.

DISCLAIMER:

I, the Asylum of the Damned, do not own the Metroid series. This is only a fanfic. Use with caution. Apply only near nose area. May explode if kept near open flame. Do not contact with eyes or mouth. Common symptoms include runny nose and nausea. Do not take more than twice a day. Conditions subject to change. Do not hold upside down. Shake well. Do not freeze below -30 C. Eh, one of those ought to work.

Yes, let's be funny in an introduction to a classic and popular video game heroine being raped (while dead) by her nemesis. That will make everything better. People will know that you're not an actually fucked up person that way. They'll think you're well-adjusted. They'll think you're a healthy individual with talent in your weird kink writing.

****
WARNING:

If you are weak at heart or get queasy to the stomach easily, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT read this fic. Okay? I gave you a fair warning, so if you end up puking all over your keyboard or have your innocence brutally scarred after reading, tough shit. It's your problem now.
****

"Queasy to the stomach?" That's a new turn of phrase I've not heard before.

Honestly, yeah fine. I brought this piece of shit into my brain. I read it. I fucking read it and I saw the mediocrity of this garbage heap. But look, while I read it, while I made that decision to do it for the sake of comedy or showing that something this bizarre could exist, this thing didn't come out of my head. I didn't write it. The Asylum of the Damned wrote it. They didn't have to. Nobody was holding them at gunpoint telling them to write a tame necrophiliac rape-fic about Ridley and Samus. And yet... here it is. So, no, the Asylum of the Damned, this is not my problem. I wouldn't have read this if you hadn't envisioned it and then written it.

Thanks for that.

Heavy, loud, clanking footsteps echoed throughout the dim cavern, where only tiny slints of light from cracks in the surface made it through so far underground. 

I think that you meant "slits" up there, unless you're somehow talking about the light of tiny members of the band Slint.

The steps grew louder and clearer, and he could hear them perfectly in his darkened perch. 

"On." Somebody is "on" a perch, not "in" it.

And as soon as the dark blue figure wandered into the clearing amongst the subterranean rocks below, he stretched his broad wings and swooped like an eagle to a fish upon it. His gleaming talons grasped the blue android by its arms, pinning it to the ground with a crash. The figure only struggled and gasped, "Ridley!"

The giant purple dragon flexed his wings and grinned cruelly at his prey. "It's good to see you again too, Samus."

Samus struggled underneath Ridley's weight, but she only managed to get Ridley to tighten his grip on her limbs. "How many times do I have to kill you, Ridley?" Samus snarled.

"I'll stop bothering you once you're good and dead," Ridley sneidly replied. 

"Sneidly?" I don't even fucking know how someone could butcher "snidely" that badly and not notice it.

"How much years have you got left in you? Five? Ten? You humans can barely break eighty, and I doubt you'll last until sixty."

Uh, "much?" Yeah, that's stupid and awkward. "Many" would be the correct word to use here. This is such a bizarre mistake.

"Wanna know how much longer you'll live?" Samus snarled back, "Two minutes!"

Ridley reared up shouting angrily, "You didn't even give me a chance to respond to your question!"

"It was rhetorical. Duh!" Samus shouted at the space dragon.

With that, Samus wrenched her cannon arm free and shoved the barrel into Ridley's snout. Ridley barely managed to crane his long neck to the side in time to hear a roaring missile blast by his face. Opening his jaws wide, Ridley lunged his neck downward upon Samus, only to have a taste of the subterranean rock floor fill his mouth when Samus struggled free from his grip. Clambering to her feet, Samus aimed her cannon at Ridley's open ribs and fired another missile. The blast exploded into a shower of flames and shrapnel, thowing Ridley onto his side.

You're missing an "r" in "throwing," dude. Just thought you ought to know.

Ridley felt his breath begin to grow weaker, knowing he was aging just as Samus was. "I've been killing you over and over for twenty years, Ridley," Samus snarled ready to blow Ridley's head off of his shoulders with another missile. "Maybe this time if I incinerate every bit of your body, you'll stay dead!"

Samus, seriously, you haven't been killing him if he comes back to life. You've just been fighting him, maybe defeating him, and maybe hurting him a bit. But he's not dead if he's still alive. By definition. Okay?

The puddle of mud that Ridley soon found he had his hand in was whipped off the ground a heartbeat later, splattering onto Samus' visor. Samus reeled in surprise, her vison 

"visor"

completely obscured by the thick muck. And as she tried to hurriedly rub off the sticky slime from her visor, Ridley took whatever energy he had left in him to struggle to his feet and lunge at Samus with wide-open jaws. His upper jaw grazed into Samus's left shoulder, and his lower jaw snapped shut, tearing underneath Samus' ribcage. And with a vicious tug of his neck, Ridley felt his teeth tear into Samus' armor, feeling bones crush between his jaws. The two of them remained motionless, with Ridley beginning to taste the bitterness of blood gushing down his chin, and with Samus silently shivering. Suddenly, Samus collapsed to her knees, slowly sliding off of Ridley's jaw. Ridley thought he saw their eyes connect for just a split second before he felt Samus' already lifeless-looking suit become completely souless, 

"soulless"

and when Samus collapsed on her stomach and the last echo of her body hitting the rocky ground bounced out of the cavern, Ridley suddenly felt alone.

That is a doozy of a run-on sentence, but at least the story's done with. We can all go home and not read anything else about Ridley raping Samus's body, right?

Right?





Fuck.

Ridley licked the blood off of his chin and from inside his mouth, spitting it out again soon after. "God, I even hate the taste of you," Ridley muttered at Samus' body, flicking out the last of her blood from his teeth with his tongue. The odd sinking sensation he felt in his stomach began to press lower, and Ridley could only wonder why. Being a cheif 

"'I' before 'e' except after 'c'" is a good rule to follow. 

pirate, he had killed thousands of creatures like Samus before, but now he felt something different begin to swell up within him.

Loneliness. As soon as the word entered his mind, Ridley's eyes immediately focused on what used to be Samus. He was lonely. He was always lonely. He lost count how many years it had been since he had seen another of his kind, since he had seen someone other than a fellow pirate whom he had not killed without so much as a thought. Crouching over the body of his slain long-time enemy, Ridley tapped on the back of Samus' helmet. "Strong, brave, and living the lonely life," Ridley muttered, "We could have been best of freinds."

"'I' before 'e' except after 'c'" is a good rule to follow. 

Also, this is fucking Ridley, a character characterized as a dragon, a murderer, a space pirate, and completely bent on killing Samus and making her miserable when he can't. Uh, no, I don't think they could have been best of friends. I don't think a bounty hunter in power armor whose sole goal it is to hunt down and kill space pirates like you would have ever been best friends with you, Ridley. I'm sorry, but as much as I'd rather be reading about Samus and Ridley going around the galaxy being best buds together, drinking whisky, hitting on babes and gents, and both getting sick in a space parking lot together, it would be equally out-of-character for them.

Ridley wished with all his heart that Samus would reply, but he only got a unnerving silence.

Aw, is the itty bitty space FUCKING dragon scared of the silence?

Water droplets from miles away in the underground cavens 

"Caves," I think, only because the Asylum of the Damned uses "caverns" later in the sentence.

echoed softly throughout the cavern, and Ridley could only let his thoughts rythm 

"Rhythm," I think, although the sentence is a mess anyway.

to their beats as he looked at Samus' back. He wondered what would have happened if Samus was a fellow pirate. He wondered what would have happened if Samus was a dragon like himself. He wondered what would have happened if he and Samus were even friends. 

You already thought that, Ridley. Let it go. It would not happen. I understand that you wanted to go clubbing with Samus, but you just chewed her to death, okay? So, let's not get fucking sentimental about being friends with somebody you went out of your way to kill.

And when he wondered what could have happened if both their loneliness got the better of them together, 

Oh, shit...

his stomach suddenly winced.

Ridley thought to himself, I really shouldn't have eaten those "Flaming Nachos" earlier. Boy, I think I'm going to have to take a really massive shit soon. 

"How utterly... vile!" Ridley's brain scolded him. "I know I'm a despicable space pirate, but I'm not that despicable!"Yes, you are.

He looked at Samus' body, and soon began to grow curious. 

Okay, so you didn't think it was a despicable thought for long, did you, Ridley?

He knew the various armors his former arch-enemy wore well, but he never knew the creature within. Finding the stomach to ignore his better conscience, Ridley gingerly dragged his talon into and across the back of Samus' armor, splitting it from her shoulders to her waist. Ridley pulled apart Samus' armor, seeing a soft, pinkish skin underneath a simple blue leotard. His curiosity now fully ensnared, Ridley sliced open the rest of Samus' armor, and within seconds, Ridley had completely dissected Samus' armor into thin strips of metal, scattering them about the cavern as he tore the armor apart.

FOUR separate "Samus' armor" in one fucking paragraph, and that's not even mentioning the other "armor" mentions that are scattered about. Use other ways to bring the fucking message across. The way I'm seeing it here, you, the Asylum of the Damned, are doing it wrong. I mean, yes, you are writing a fucked-up story, but at least write it so that a person doesn't have a brain aneurysm while trying to read it. I don't need to see the same fucking term show up that many times in a single paragraph. It gives me a migraine.

Soon, all that was left before Ridley was the lifeless body of Samus, 

Uh, that's all there was before too.

the deep wound in her chest still bleeding heavily. The unarmored body of Samus looked like a completely different creature to him, and Ridley still wanted to see more. Ridley rolled Samus over onto her back, and his eyes suddenly locked on the face of his dead nemesis. Although her face was lined with faint, thin wrinkles, Ridley still noticed how beautiful her long blonde hair was, tied neatly in a ponytail. 

SPACE DRAGONS FUCKING LOVE NEAT PONYTAILS

Ridley gingerly reached up to Samus' face, stroking his claw along her cheek, feeling her skin to be surprisingly soft. Ridley had always thought that humans had thick, shell-like skin, but that was based on how quickly his talons had sliced them apart.

Uh, what? Are you talking about armored people? Because if not then Ridley, you should really get your talons sharpened. Humans shouldn't be all that hard for a SPACE DRAGON to slice open.

Ignoring Samus' bloody wound, Ridley's mind suddenly stopped once his eyes reached her chest.

OH FUCK NO

Dragons don't even have breasts!

His mind quickly switched back to his loneliness. He began wishing for a female dragon more than he had ever wished before, and just as Ridley was on the verge of breaking down with angst, 

Yes, I'm sure "angst" is a great descriptive of a space pirate who happens to also be a space dragon. You know, a character that never speaks, only ever tries to kill Samus, and steals metroids for use in developing them to kill as many people as possible. Yes, angst is the perfect descriptor.

Look, the Asylum of the Damned, I don't fucking care one fucking bit for your dragon angst. I was promised something that would make me "queasy to the stomach." This is making me queasy, but not in the way you were thinking.

a tiny voice in his head squeaked, "There's a female lying down in front of you."

Ridley has Dissociate Identity Disorder as well as angst?

Dragon be fucked up.

Ridley froze. "How utterly... vile!" He screamed mentally to himself.How does one scream mentally at oneself? You know, exactly? Because I don't think I know how to do that.

Ah, maybe it's a weird angsty DID space dragon thing.

But then when Ridley looked at Samus one more time, he quickly found himself acting without thought.Of course, because the only reason you'd rape a corpse is to not be thinking at all. Fuck, I have no idea even what to say anymore. I guess I can at least say that there's not much of the "story" left...

Ridley pulled back Samus' leotard, ripping off the torso, baring Samus' breasts. Ridley gazed at them, fascinated at her unique mamillian featurHer Her 

What.

What?

"Mammalian." There, that wasn't so hard, was it? And... I can't even guess or try to fix what else is going on in that forty car pileup the Asylum of the Damned called a "sentence."

dark red nipples quickly caught his attention, and Ridley could only help but wonder why male humans liked to stare at them so much. 

I thought you had no idea what humans looked like, Ridley. Oh, but you're having one of your DID episodes, aren't you? You have one person in your head that is a MOTHERFUCKING SPACE DRAGON and a second person in your head who is a horny teenage male who stares at human breasts on the space internet.

This is obvious to anybody who actually knows the Asylum of the Damned's Metroid headcanon. Duh!

With his interest quickly lost, Ridley tore off the rest of Samus' leotard, and he was quick to spot what was universally recognized to all males in the universe. 

Especially male plants. Nothing better than sappy tree vagina. Or let's even go with the animal kingdom and sponges. Yeah, they love their spongy vaginas.

Just in case I'm being too subtle for you to understand, the Asylum of the Damned, I'm saying that not every thing that identifies as male will universally recognize what a vagina is. Okay? Because that's what that sentence there implies. I'm nit-picking, but what the fuck else do I have here?

Ridley craned his neck down between Samus' legs, and as soon as he laid eyes upon Samus' vagina, Ridley briefly forgot his name.

Because the first time I ever saw a vagina I literally had amnesia. That's how this works, men. You will always forget your name when you see a vagina. Just expect it. The Asylum of the Damned knows their science better than anybody else.

Ridley's brain was thinking without him. 

No, it can't do that. BY FUCKING DEFINITION

As soon as he saw the bright red flesh inside of her, 

"Bright red?" Dear Lord, Ridley, don't do it! Samus has a space STD!

Look, seriously, the vagina wouldn't be opened for your viewing pleasure, okay? That's not how it works with living or dead people. And it would literally look like flesh otherwise, you know, skin-toned and all. Literally the only way one could see inside of a vagina is to open it up by moving the labia aside.

Ridley felt his pulse thob

IT FUCKING THOBBED SO HARD 

towards his hips, forcing his penis to stand up straight. Knowing that this may be the last time that he would ever see a female crotch of any species as long as he was a pirate, 

Just the crotch though, and just seeing it.

Ah, who am I fucking kidding? He's going to rape her corpse because he doesn't know how to talk to women. I get the feeling that the Asylum of the Damned is a male. And can't talk to women.

Fuck.

Ridley let all the wind out of his lungs, waited until he could go no longer without air, shoved his nostrils against Samus' moist vagina and sucked in the deepest breath through his nose than he ever had in his life.

What.

What.

What?

Why would you do that? Who would even do that? That's not pleasant for anybody.

Something within Ridley's mind suddenly snapped. 

Yeah, I know. You already said that.

As soon as the scent of Samus invaded his nasal membranes, Ridley's body was on autopilot.

You said that too.

With a thin string of drool leaking out of the corner of his jaws, 

Attractive.

Ridley threw himself upon Samus, jamming himself into her body. 

Wait.

Ridley is a very large space...

Oh, fuck, seriously? Come on. Why? 

HE WOULDN'T EVEN FIT!!

Ridley forced himself to thrust feverishly, even though he was twice Samus' size, feeling Samus' insides stretch and tear from his thrusting. 

Very pleasant. Gives the term "hard cock" another meaning.

Ha ha ha... ha... ha...

Yeah, I kind of hate myself now.

Growling and huffing madly, Ridley suddenly quickened his pace, pumping himself in and out of Samus like a machine gun. 

That... That's not how machine guns work. You know that, right?

You don't know that. You don't know anything.

Motherfuck.

And then with a drool-filled howl, Ridley released himself, feeling his stomach deplete. 

D-did Ridley just take a shit? Did those nachos come back to haunt you, Ridley?

Ridley came to a stop, panting and weezing heavily.

Okay, I'm going to imagine he took a big shit.

Wait, we have eight sentences (or less) of actual necrophilia here. And it's not graphic, not... not really anything at all really. So, after all that build-up, after the warnings, after the promise of me being "queasy to the stomach" all I get is the tamest fucking necrophilia I have ever read?

Okay then. I can't really complain. All I can ask is: Why do this then? What is the point of this story?

Once he had finally caught his breath and his heart steadied, Ridley slowly pulled himself out of Samus, collapsing on his backside as soon as they were seperated.

"Separated." And yes, I noticed "weezing" up a sentence or so also needs an "h."

I hope Ridley didn't collapse in his own pile of crap. That would just be embarrassing.

Ridley felt his erection still ticking in the air like a metronome, watching his semen ooze out of Samus' torn-up and bloody vagina. Pressing his penis towards the ground, Ridley waited until it had shrunk back down again before getting back to his feet. Looking back at Samus, Ridley suddenly felt disgusted with himself, a feeling which he had almost forgotten about several years re.
re.

Oh wow, I think the author went insane from their own "depravity."

Forcing his eyes off of Samus' body, Ridley stretched his wings, and took to the air.

And that's that.

Oh man. It's not long, but most of the story was about Ridley really wanting Samus to be his bar-buddy. The end seemed to take a turn for the awful, but not as awful as anybody would have expected from that warning the author gave. Look, if this had just been a story about Ridley killing Samus and then regretting it, okay. I wouldn't have even looked this story's way. Instead the Asylum of the Damned had to write in a bunch of weird and really tame necrophilia.

I'm not going to puke realizing that Ridley is fucking a dead Samus. I get it, but it's not focused upon. AT ALL. It could have been Ridley fucking one of those blow-up dolls for all the actual gore or whatnot was actually described. NOT THAT I WANT MORE! Let me get that out there! Just that that level of WARNING did not mesh up with what I actually read. And what I actually read was boring, trite, and poorly realized. I wonder why it was written and posted at all.

It is in bad taste. It is not written well. There is no reason for this piece of excrement to exist. But at least it wasn't the worst thing ever, right? At least I got off easy with the Tamest Act of Necrophilia in Fanfiction. So, thanks, the Asylum of the Damned, for that at least.

Also, one more thing, I have to point out that one of the reviews on this work of art sums up a good portion of my thoughts: "...this seems written for shock value more than anything and I wasn't shocked, so you didn't even accomplish that." Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

You get a sticker for trying, the Asylum of the Damned, but you ultimately have failed the trial of fanfiction.