Alright, alright, we're back. NYCC is over (I'm already trying to plan for next year), I'm settling into my work schedule again, and there's no Christmas shopping to do yet. I refuse to begin until Thanksgiving. Hello, I work retail, and the fact that we have tree ornaments in August drives me absolutely berserk.

This means... it's time for another review! Just what you've all been waiting for! I'M SO EXCITED I SWEAR

I AM THIS EXCITED (and I found this on another blogspot page, so credit where credit is due)

If you couldn't guess from the image, this review is for a fic about Zelda Lonk Link from The Legend of Zelda videogames. There're over twenty titles in the series, but most seem to contain the same basic premise, namely: "Magical Woman gets captured/kidnapped by Evil Person, Hero Link must save her and all of Hyrule with the Master Sword and Triforce/Magic-Macguffin-Power." -I think.

Obviously, there are some exceptions, but many Zelda games trend towards this narrative. This fic by Swish is no exception: 'A New Hero' holds the distinction of being the twelfth story ever published on fanfiction-dot-net, so let that be some sort of indication as to quality. ...Actually, the fact that I'm writing about it at all should be some indication of quality- namely, that it has none to speak of. The fic is technically about an original character who is Link's son. We all know what (most) OCs mean for a fanfiction...

I'm going to imagine that Link's son looks like this.

Today, the fic will be in green, and my commentary will be in the traditional black. That being said...

...Game start!

Hi, I'm Swish, The author of this fanfic.

You don't say.

Now, for those people that followed Zelda all the way from Zelda 1 to Zelda 5, you'll disagree with this story. But this is my version, kay?

I would never have guessed that your fanfiction would be your own story.

Also, One more thing, This is a long story. (It's not.) Please take time to print this.

...No. You should be flattered that I'm about to shred this to bits via Sassy Review, Swish. Don't get greedy and ask me to soil actual sheets of paper with this drivel.

The really good parts don't come until part 2 or 3. :)

Heeeeeeere we go.

Aaah, I didn't think I was going to find something to really dig into so soon, but here it is: If you have to tell me that 'The good parts are coming, I promise, just stick with my shitty writing until I say so!', then your writing is... well, shitty. I'll kindly point your attention to real, published writing as an example- nowhere in a chapter of any book ever does an author feel obligated to remind the reader to keep on going until, say, chapter five 'because it doesn't get good until then.' If it's not good, don't write it. If you're writing it, make it good. Be confident in the words you're mooshing together into some semblance of sentences and paragraphs, because 'its' not good yet but i PROMIES it gets bettter!!!1!' doesn't sell me on your quality. It just reminds me that you have no idea what you're actually doing and makes me not want to read any further.

...For the sake of this review, though, I have to read further. SIGH.

Chapter 1

BOOM! It was raining. Raining hard. There was rain outside in our house.

YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY. I HAD NO IDEA. Also, how does it rain 'outside in' a house, does your roof have a lot of holes? Better get those fixed, dude.

The lightning seemed to rip the sky apart. I was scared. Alone. I looked around for my fatherhe wasn't there.

Please put, between 'father' and 'he', the following characters in this exact order: Period, Space, Capital 'H' (then delete the lowercase 'h' in 'he'). Thank you.

 Nor was my mother, the Queen of HyruleThey wouldn't have left me here alone like this

Please repeat the above process between the words 'Hyrule' and 'They', substituting 'T' for 'H'. oh my fuck you're making me repeat myself like a shitty author you sly bastard i won't fall for your trap

I went got dressed and went outside. I saw Hyrule castle, just down the road. We lived In Kakariko Village so It was easy for me to walk. I entered the castle and saw that everyone had locked there doors.

...Wait, okay, this one took me a second because I was too focused on the garbage formatting. Your mother is the Queen of Hyrule but you live in a house with a sieve roof? Holy shit, your mother must hate you. Based on the beginning of this fic alone, I do not blame her.

"Hello..? Anyone?" I yelled.

No answer. 

I continued to walk into the main castle. I noticed the guards were unconscious on the floor...or worse. There was a battleyes that had to be itbut it was overit was too quiet. Suddenly I realizedwhat about father?

...Spaces. Spaces. Those things you're looking for are called 'spaces'.

I ran. Ran into the castle. Finally I came upon the courtyard and found him. My father. He is known as "The hero of time, Link".

Are you actually saying his name (Your father's name, the name of your father; it is his name. Your father's name.) out loud right now? Because that would be stupid, you see, and quotation marks are only used when something is being said out loud. So you are indicating to me, the average reader, that you are stupid.

Congratulations.

He was defeated. He was lying in a small pool of blood.

"NO!" I yelled.

This couldn't be. It's not possible! I walked up to him.

Your father is lying in a pool of blood and you just walk over to him? Really? "Hi, I'm shouting with concern for your safety and health. Just give me a second to get over to you, I'm having a casual saunter."

He was barely alive.

Maybe if you'd gotten there sooner, things might be different...

"Son" he whispered. "II have lost name Hero of Time is no longer meant for me, but for you"

There are a number of ways to format that dialogue, and you found a way to do it completely wrong.

I couldn't speak.

I'm fairly dumbfounded, too.

"Take the legendary blade, and bring Hyrule to peace once more."

He moved his hand, pushing the Master Sword to me. He looked up at the stars, as an evil laugh was echoing.

"No" He whispered.

He closed his eyes. And he was gone.

"NO!"

The way you've written this makes it sound like Link, post-mortem, is screaming negations at the top of his undead lungs, since the last subject mentioned is 'he' in direct reference to Link.

I'm going to roll with that, actually. Zombie Link is incredibly upset about the evil-laugh ambiance overlaying his death scene. Good. Cut. Print (or don't).

I was kneeling in the main courtyard, crying. I grabbed the blade, and ran home in the storm, randomly hitting what I could, trying to burn some of the energy. I was home, and lied on the floor, crying.

"I was so upset, I grabbed my dead dad's legendary sword and ran through the worst weather while swinging it wildly and beating any inanimate shit in my path! It's honestly a miracle I didn't chop my own leg off in the hysterical fit I was having, and when I got home I dropped to the soggy, rainy floor. ...I still have to fix that roof."

Chapter 2

Light. It was morning. I looked out the window into the gleaming sun. Please, oh please I hope it was a dream I hoped. It was useless. I knew the truth yet I still hoped.

But did you try hoping? Or perhaps you should have hoped. Maybe hoping would have helped. Also I fucking hate you.

I looked outside and saw Hylian soldiers against other soldiers in dark armor

There was a battle, just outside.

Was it just outside in your house?

I should stay in here. It's safer. Yes. That's it. I thought. I crawled under a table, gripping the Master Sword. I was sweating with fear.

See, if a vicious battle was going on right outside my front door, I might be thinking something more along the lines of 'Holy fuck, oh shit, oh shit!' That might just be me, though.

NoMy father would never have done this. I need to help...

I gathered up my strength, put on a white tunic, and grabbed the Master Sword.

I literally could not care any less about what color shirt you decided to wear today, friend. And wearing white in the middle of a battlefield is actually a really, really bad idea: you're either a walking target (get your own red rings painted on! hopefully not by your own blood!), or you're displaying that you're not on anybody's team, and therefore, are fair game for anybody's arrows. Or swords. Or pikes, or axes, or a good solid kick. You get my point.

My father told me he even fought Giant Dodongo's and Gohma's when he was Younger than me. I was only 13 now. I took a shield, my personal boomerang and charged outside 

Chapter 3 

"AAAAAHH!" 

"Protect it with your lives!" 

"We shall rule Hyrule!" 

Those were the cries I heard as I went outside.

If you read the last few sentences in Ben Stein's voice, it's ridiculously fitting. Imagine that he's doing his best to make the story extra-boring, too.

I could barely stand them. I was just about to run away again until I stopped myself about my duty as the new hero of time. Was I really the "new" hero of time?

No.

Could anyone replace the original?

No.

Should I even be considering myself a hero of time already?

No.

Too many questions, no time for answers.

'No' is one of the shortest words in the English language: I'm pretty sure you have time for those answers.

I took out my boomerang and lunged it forward. 

"HAAAH!" I yelled as it flew. 

BONK!

It hit one of Ganon's warriors. He fell to the ground.

How do we know these are Ganon's warriors? Is it because they wear dark armor? Why didn't you specify from whose army the 'enemy soldiers' were earlier?

I felt the adrenaline start rushing. I felt giddy. I felt strong. I felt like the hero of time. I whipped out the amazingly large master sword and attacked.

...You're thirteen. Your 'Master Sword' isn't amazingly large, and probably will never be. Stop whipping it out- and if you're really going to attack the soldier you just knocked over with your boomerang with your 'sword,' you have some serious problems.

SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! 

The battle lasted for hours. Until finally, the last few warriors fled into the woods. We won...WE WON! But...but for some reason I still felt that this was not my place, nor my battle.

Then why did you fight in it for literal hours? And... not your place? This was right outside your house! Man, when your front yard isn't 'your place,' you've got some serious pondering to do.

But I was rewarded by the armies leader at a secret hideout. 

If you're looking to say 'the leader of the army,' then you're doing it wrong. You've pluralized 'army' instead of making it possessive. Both armies are not showing you a secret hideout, because that would be dumb.

Chapter 4 

This hideout was located near death mountain and Zora's Fountain. Kind of in between. This land was unknown to almost all of the Hylians excepts the most trusted soldiers. He stood up and put his hand on my shoulder.

Who...? No, you know what, I don't care. I've given up. A nebulous, random, writhing mass of 'trusted soldiers' has extended a hand and put it on the protagonist's shoulder. Now we're in Silent Hill.

He had a white beard, and looked a little old. He looked worried. I told him all about what my father said in his last dying words... 

"The monstrosity compelled me to speak further, spilling my most painful memories as it brought them to the forefront of my mind. The torture was unspeakable, the pain unbearable..."

"Young son of link.." he said."It must be hard to take such a task. But in the battle in Hyrule Field, you showed true courage." 

Does Hylia regularly enlist thirteen-year-olds as troops? Is that why the amorphous mass of soldiers is so unphased by the protagonist's entry and assistance on the battlefield?

I'M ENLISTING AND I'M BRAVE AND I MEET THE TEN-YEAR-OLD AGE REQUIREMENT, YOU GOT THAT, PUNK?

That made me feel a little better. 

"However..." 

Uh­oh. 

"I know it must be hard for you...having your mother captured by that beast, Ganon..." 

Phew...no wait...She was captured? I had almost totally forgot about that! Now, I was mad. 

I would be royally (ha!) fucking pissed if someone forgot about my mother being captured by The Big Bad, too. I really understand why Zelda didn't want this 'sword'-swinging little shit living with her in the castle proper, yeesh.

"it's hard for me too, but If you are successful in fulfilling your....your destiny, we may be able to finally defeat Ganon...But first, I must reward you...what is your name?" 

"Kama...my name is Kama."

And there it is, folks- the only reason I tolerated four chapters of this shithive pile of slop was to show you the main character's name. It's 'Kama.' Four chapters in and we learn his name is 'Kama.' A protip to the author: introducing the character's name is a great way to introduce us to them and begin our emotional investment with them. The more we learn about the character, the more we care about them and their story.

I know that Kama's mother hates him, and he lives in a dump. I also know that I don't care about him in the slightest.

So, I'm stopping the fic here, though there are a grand total of twenty chapters in this mess- and I use the term 'chapters' loosely, since it's all formatted to fit within two actual separate chapters on eff-eff-dot-net... And each chapter (paragraph) is an average of only 275 words.

No one wants to read over 5000 words of this, so I'll save us the trouble and tell you the ending...

...Or, rather, there is no ending. The author never finished it, surprise-surprise. The last thing we know about Kama is that he wakes up at Lon-Lon Ranch, having been launched all the way there from Kokiri Forest by a giant Deku. (Was that last sentence even in English? I'm not sure at this point.)

I can't say I'm heartbroken that the story was never finished; it never even delivered those 'good parts' it promised us in 'parts 2 or 3'- but again, who's shocked? Not me, that's for sure. I'm bitter and jaded and cynical from over a decade of reading terrible fanfiction, and this fic has been here right from the beginning, setting the low bar for all future authors.

Until next time! This is CGeezman, signing off so I can go watch mind-numbing cartoons in preparation for the next painful story I'll have to review. It's like Novocaine for my intelligence.

Until Dawn DLC: Josh Tears, Alan Eyes, and Doctor Frown

Hello all! It's been a while! 

So, here I am, your very calm and not very judgmental host Saquarry, ready and willing to subject myself to the worst things that fans have made on the internet. This one, while not the worst I've ever read, isn't all that great either. And when I say it isn't great, what I really mean is, "OH GOD WHY." Some fan fictions are terrible, but, I guess, have reasons for existing. This one is absolutely not one of them. It should not exist. It is awkward and fairly awful giving us a pairing that I believe very few people in this world want.

So, here are the preliminaries: This review (and fanfic) will contain some spoilers for a newer video game, so read on at your own risk. It's a good video game too, one that I very much enjoyed playing at least. So, if you'd rather play the game and have a great time or whatever before reading this abomination of a fan fiction, I completely understand.

Actually, if you'd rather pass up reading this at all, I understand completely. I don't want to be responsible for Josh tears after all... 

Seriously, even the description of this fanfic has a spoiler, so don't read if you want to play the game, okay? Okay. Here we go. 

The title of our adventure today will be "Session Number 36." "thegeekylatina" is the author of this story. It has the description as follows: "In one of the last sessions Dr. Hill has with Josh, things get heated and a hint of terrible things to come shows up."

I think if four of the words of that description were removed ('things get heated, and'), I might actually be okay with this fan fiction, but those four words are really the sticking point here. And that was very spoiler-y for a brand new game. If I'm browsing haphazardly, I might be a little annoyed if I know the barest amount about the story or characters.

Anyway, the fan fiction will be in red, my own writing will be in black. Let's get this party started!

Alan eyes 

These are Alan eyes.

Wait. What now? I know what you're thinking. The sentence will be "Alan eyes the table" or something innocuous, but if that were true my last cropped picture wouldn't be anywhere near as amusing to me. Also, why are we calling this character who is seemingly always, in game, referred to as Dr. Hill, Alan? Are we suddenly on a first name basis with Peter Stormare's characters? I really would rather not be, to be honest.

fixed on the cougar on top of his desk. 

This stock picture is the closest this I could find.

Picture it for the rest of your meaningless life.

I imagine he really wants to be scrawling out "HELP ME," but he's a cougar and thus can't write.

He tried to concentrate on the dark wood in front of him, but the silence was becoming annoying.

"As was the cougar's slightly strained smile. It had been doing that for hours. It couldn't possibly be real."

Josh sat silently on the couch in the corner, just staring to the ground, not even looking at the patterns he had gave him previously.

thegeekylatina, I just have to point out that your grammar is a little rough. "Had gave" isn't correct. "Had given" would be. "To" would be better replaced with the word "at." And this whole sentence could be cut down to give us two separate sentences rather than the mild run-on sentence you've created here.

Look, I have to mock grammar a bit now. Once the story gets going full-tilt, I'll definitely have other things on my mind.

- Josh, son- Dr. Hill said softly, trying to take him out of that trance.

Are those dashes your quotation marks? Okay, I'll run with it, I guess.

The boy didn't listened to him, he seemed to be concentrated in making a hole through the floor with his eyes. 

I get this awful feeling that grammar and tenses mean very little to this author. Oh boy, this is going to be a ride, isn't it?

Even so, Alan could see in a way that the pain that had previously haunted him, had disappeared behind his gaze into the darkness of something much scarier.

The darkness of-

-the dark?

Perhaps?

Too soon?

- Josh!- he shouted, making him at last react. But is was only a subtle reaction.

IS WAS

Those are two different forms of the same verb, both in different tenses. ENGLISH

- Games- Josh mumbled softly.

- What did you said?- Alan asked.

-Video games. I was talking about my anime video games.- Josh said as his eyes sparkled. He had finally gone full anime. 

Finally Josh lift his face and grinned - Nothing. I was just thinking about...a game-

- A game?- Alan frowned confused, but interested. He put his notebook on his desk and left his pencil on top of the paper.

-It's called Until Dawn, have you heard of it?-

- Yeah, just something I've been thinking lately. Something to take me off my mind for a bit- Josh flipped through the patterns given by Dr. Hill uninterested.

"Something to take me off my mind-" So, you don't want to think about yourself then? Maybe it was thegeekylatina's intention to create this meaning, but I kind of doubt it. It doesn't sound right. It just sounds like bad writing and me being confused.

Later he just left them next to him in the couch.

Much later, but that's not relevant now. 

Why did I write it now?

YOLO

- Did you finish the patterns?- Alan asked the young man, trying to stay on the path.

- Oh, yeah- Josh said - I don't know what they mean..to me..I'm not very focused today...it seems-

Alan nodded and stood up from his chair.

He walked towards josh (Josh is a name. It requires capitalization.) and gently took the patterns from the couch.

"The couch held onto them tight though, as couches do."

As he put them in the correct order again, standing up in front of josh (Josh is a name. It requires capitalization.), he asked, smiling kindly -Could you tell me about this...game of yours?-

Josh then did something the doctor didn't thought he could do anymore, not after what happened. Josh smiled, wide.

"didn't thought"

Oh boy, this is going to be a long one, isn't it?

- Sure. Sit next to me and I'll tell you-

Alan walked towards his desk and placed the patterns on top of it. Then, he turned to josh and walked towards the couch, finally sitting at josh left.

Why are there so many descriptions, HEAVILY DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS, of Dr. Hill moving? You could have just said, Dr. Hill went to Josh's side. Saying more than is necessary just causes needless confusion and annoyance. I literally just read a sentence that told me EXACTLY how he moved, and I never want to read something like that again.

- So Josh, what are this games you think about?- 

Are- are we getting some confusion about English syntax and how plurality works? Oh, I don't think I can handle this right now. "this game" or "these games" not some monstrosity that carves up both.

He asked, placing his hands above his legs, more like a friend than a psychiatrist. He knew that the boy wouldn't tell him if he keep resembling something as cold as a doctor.

But... you are a doctor, right? Dr. Hill is your name, right? 

Unless Dr. now stands for Dapper.

Sometimes it was easy to get into josh's (Josh is a name. It requires capitalization.) mind. Sometimes it was a miracle he even looked at him during sessions, less talk to him at all.

- What if...-Josh smiled looking at the man. - Yes?- the man asked.

Using "the man" twice in a row is a great way to be vague and uninteresting. There are other ways to describe a man other than the actual word "man." And we'd been using Alan so often too.

Tsk tsk. I'm going to have to dock a few points from your final grade.

- What if you could do something to improve the past- He said. That made the doctor sigh and move uncomfortable.

MOVE UNCOMFORTABLE

WHAT

- Josh, you know you can't do that- He said - We have talked about this many times-

- Not by going back, no. I'm not talking about that- Josh looked upset. 

He had been told many times he didn't have a time machine and more than likely couldn't make one either. 

And he was almost done swearing that he was going to make one out of silly masks, pig intestines, and dreams.

He had been told thousands of times before he couldn't change the past. Alan was worried he was returning to that again.

- Oh, well...I'm sorry. Go on- Alan said softly, looking apologetic.

- I mean, change the future, to make the past more bearable- Josh smiled again.

The doctor seemed interested in the topic. How, would this young man going to change his situation to improve the fact that his sisters were dead?

Uh, Dapper Hill, I thought that was the whole point, you know, of these sessions? To make things better?

No? Well, alright then. You are Peter Stormare after all. I would have expected no less from you.

-Okay...- Dr. Hill nodded.- How did you planned to do that, Josh?-

- Games!- Josh laugh.

Alan seemed confused but amazed at this reaction- What kind of games?- he asked.

What kind of games indeed?

VIDEO GAMES

- Mind games!- Josh said, smiling and waving his hands around.

THAT WAS MY SECOND GUESS

That made the doctor worried again. 

Just worried, Dapper? Look, dude, I just want to point out that if I was some dapper looking to treat a patient who is experiencing some big issues, like both of that patient's sisters disappearing/dying, I think when said patient lets it slip that he wants to play some mind games, I might be slightly more interested than simply "worried."

Was the darkness just depression, like last time? Or was it something else? - But you don't need mind games, Josh. You come here to clear your mind, not make it more cloudy-.

"Cloudier"

- No(t) me, silly!- He laughed, shaking his head- I'm not going to have to deal with them!-.

The doctor frown deepen - Then who will?- He asked.

Doctor frown deepen

- Other people- Josh said - The people that should deal with them-

Alan shook his head - I'm sorry, Josh- I don't follow. What are you talking about?-

Then suddenly, Josh stopped smiling and his face contorted into a sour grin.

The little dots look like neck-beard.

-You don't get it, don't you? You never get it. I'm trying to move on from this and you can't help me!- He suddenly shouted.

-You can't help me, Dapper Hill! That cougar smiling painfully on the desk can't help me! And the doctor frown can't help me!-

Alan put his arms around Josh while holding his arm softly. That made him closer to the young man, which made him feel instantly uncomfortable. Josh's sudden angry breathing clashed with his skin and he could feel him shake under his fake cool exterior.

Please, no, Peter Stormare. Don't take this where I think it's going.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to understand, Josh. I am. But this seems too strange for me. I need more information about this plan of your...involving games with people I don't know-.

- You do know them- He suddenly said, his face close to the psychiatrist's.

TOO CLOSE

- No, I don't- The doctor shook his head again, gently, trying to seem calm, although he felt more and more discomfort.

- They are my friends...they were my friends- The young man said - I don't think they are anymore- he gave a pained smile.

- What kind of games do you want to make your friend to be involved with? What kind of mind games?

Josh's friends have consolidated into a single being within the course of this conversation.

- Charades?- Josh suddenly said, trying not to laugh.

In this mix of emotion, Alan tried to stay cool and collected, but it seemed that his patient was not alright.

No shit.

- Josh- He said - Please tell me...what kind of games(?)-

- i ("I" is both an always capitalized word and the first word of this particular sentence. It requires capitalization.) can't...- Then Josh replied, grinning like an angry child - You'll yell at me-

- How could i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) yell at you?- Alan said, not understanding Josh's logic- Why would i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.)? I'm trying to help you.

- Because...- Josh said, just looking at him, not saying anything else. Like the doctor would have to understand what he meant.

Alan look 

into the boy's eyes and tried to decode the message. What was he trying to said to him. 

WHAT WAS HE TRYING TO SAID!?

WHAT kind of games was he planning for his friends... his friends, who were not his friends anymore...the kids...in the lodge?

His friends who were now a consolidated entity, an amalgamation from whence there is no return?

Suddenly, a dark cloud set in the man's mind.

- You are not going to hurt them, are you?- he asked, scared.

The cougar's smile suddenly turned upside-down. 

- No- Josh said too quickly for the doctor's comfort.

- Josh- the man said, with a hard voice - Josh, don't try to lie to me-.

Do or do not, there is no try.

The young man shook his head and hid it between his hands.

- Josh, come one, son. 

Come one, come all, to the event of the season!

Please. I'm trying to help you- Alan pleaded.

The boy's body started to shake. Alan knew what was coming. He had witnessed many times before, (e)specially the first couple of sessions .The crying, oh, the tears. The first times where almost just that.

"Were"

Bitter tears.

Okay, Dapper, you're being a little judgmental right now. The "kid" had just lost both of his sisters back then. I think crying is okay at that point.

- How can i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) forget?- Josh cried - I need to make them see too-.

- Everybody deals with pain in different ways. They know pain, Josh. Your friends, they do feel it. But that's not why you are here. It's just for you. You are supposed to get better. Not them... Screw them- The doctor said, trying to comfort the boy.

Dapper Hill, maybe isn't the time to say "screw them" to the thoroughly disturbed and upset young man who wants to play mind games. Then again, you are Peter Stormare. I guess you get a pass.

This time.

- They don't know pain- He cried.

- Yes they do. And you do too. Now we need to make you feel better-

- How can i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) feel better if i (BAD CAPITALIZATION SKILLS x2! DOUBLE POINTS FOR THE NEXT PARAGRAPH) feel like my life has no way to control it?!- Josh asked in pain and scared.

- You can control it, Joshua. My boy, you can control your life- Alan tried to smile while he held the boy's face to look at him. Josh tears rolled down his face.

Josh tears rolled down his face.

Josh tears rolled down

Josh tears

Josh tears

- I feel nothing inside me anymore- He said - Not even the worst. 

The worst what exactly?

I feel like a puppet sometimes...empty-.

- You are not a puppet- Alan said - My boy...-

Suddenly Josh moved his face and then...kissed him.

nononoNONONONONONONONONO *bursts through doorway* NONONONONO PETER STORMARE NO

For a split second, Alan didn't knew 

HE DIDN'T KNEW OH LORD HE DIDN'T KNEW

what the hell what happening. That, until he felt Josh's tongue trying to get into his mouth.

Why is this happening? Why am I reading this?

The man pushed back as much as he could, but Josh kept pushing himself against the man, trying to make the kiss deeper. Dr. Hill for a moment thought of pushing the boy with all his strength, but that would have damage his body and his trusts, which was way worse.

Awful grammar aside (and it is horrid), this is a terrible argument, Dapper Hill. This is actual sexual molestation. There is no excuse for that, and if self-defense is required, I certainly wouldn't blame you.

So we 

What

Who are "we?"

Did... did all of us suddenly enter the plot of this story? Suddenly I feel very uncomfortable. I need a shower.

stayed there, sweating, waiting for josh to finish the kiss and be done with it.

Sweating? Ew.

He felt Josh's tongue enter his mouth and play around. The boy has his eyes closed and looked like he was trying to look for something inside the man. Like he was trying to swallow his soul thought his mouth. Alan felt sorry for the boy and softly held his head to make him more comfortable.

what

Instead of pulling away like any sane person in your position would? What the fuck is the matter with you?

...Besides bad writing.

While letting him do it, he started feeling josh's left hand go through the line of his pants, towards his crotch. 

Well, I will admit that picturing Peter Stormare's dapper crotch was one of the last things that I thought I'd do with my life. I guess- I guess that means my mother can finally be proud of me?

That feeling made him utterly uncomfortable ...and aroused. 

what

how do

how do those things even

How do they work together?

The young man's hand softly caressed the fabric against his cock,

Everybody, the cock has entered the story.

Repeat, the cock has entered the story.

that suddenly started to bulged, as the blood flowed away from his brain.

That isn't how cocks work. The brain doesn't work like that either. It's not like a one or the other thing. If cock then not brain. If brain then not cock. It doesn't follow like that. Bad decisions come from arousal, but believe it or not, arousal starts in the brain.

The man then, started to push away from the boy, as he didn't wanted him to realize the effect his hand was having on his body. the whole effect this situation was having on his body. This made him part lips with Josh.

The boy softly opened his eyes and smiled again, tears dried at last.

-I want you inside me- Josh purred quietly, looking at the man with almost sleepy eyes. Dr. Hill grinned upset - My boy, I can't give you that-.

What is it about sleepy eyes and bad fan fiction?

-Why not?- asked Josh.

-I'm your doctor, you are my patient. I can do that with you- He said - You understand this?-

No actually. Your syntax makes very little sense.

-You are not helping me get better. This might make me feel better. I need something in me, even it means it(')s going to be you- Josh said, with hunger in his eyes.

Then Dr. Hill did something he never thought he would in his entire medical career, he lean to kissed his patient on the lips.

Come on! Seriously? Stop it, you idiot!

Josh's arm went around his neck, while the other was placed firmly on his cock, which was hot and hard. His warm young mouth felt so good, Alan though as he explored it with his tongue.

I can't find a picture for "Alan though." I would if I could.

A bit of embarrassment crossed his face for a moment, while he caressed Josh's youthful hair and felt the strong grip of the young man on his neck. Alan felt all the weight his years had put on him. He felt old and decayed and appalled he was taking pleasure from somebody so young.

You've talked about Josh's "youth" and his "being young" 4 times now in just the last two paragraphs.

But the hunger keep going, which blurred his reasoning. For a moment, he felt he wouldn't be able to stop.

Come on, why can't you do tenses at least consistently?

As he set his lips on Josh's neck and heard the young 

Five.

man moan again and again to enter him, between all the lick and kisses. a knock came to his door.

this is the worst thing that could happen

please let it be over

Suddenly, The imbalance between knowing that it was wrong and the pleasure this situation meant began going back to the former and Dr. Hill's apparent hunger started subsiding, as the new feeling of panic appear on scene.

I can't even parse that sentence. I don't even know what it all means. It makes no sense. It is so bad that I don't even want to deal with it right now.

Obviously, Dr. Hill is having second thoughts after he heard that knock on his door. I mean, it's only his professional career on the line after all.

What if the staff entered the office and found him in this compromising position with a patient of very young 

Six. (This time it sounds like pedophilia honestly, which is really bad. I want to stop. Please?)

age? He couldn't let that happen, even when his body just wanted some good old release.

And he couldn't let Josh get to him, he then though.

"Then though" what?

Are you missing a letter? Did your smut make you miss a letter that would have made that sentence make a bit more sense? Well, you know what? I'm not going to just guess that that fucking letter should be there. Instead I'm going to assume that perhaps, just perhaps, you know what you're doing if you're writing a fan fiction for an online community. That maybe you have a modicum of knowledge of the language you are writing in. That maybe, just maybe, I don't have to correct grammar and spelling that I learned in second grade to a person who is writing terrible smut for a mature audience.

Of course I'm upset about the content. I'm upset that I have to read about Peter Stormare getting aroused at all. I'm upset that this pairing is actively vile. I'm also upset that most of it makes no fucking sense.

But most of all, I'm upset about the grammar.

What f the mind games weren't just for his friends?

What f?

WHAT F?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What if this was a mind game in itself? Would Josh expose his own vulnerabilities and sacrifice his mental health and body , just to get something different than emptiness?

I. Just. Don't. Understand.

What are you saying?

Something about Josh wanting to feel more than emptiness by having sex? People do that, sure, but they probably explain it in whatever language they speak better than you do in this one.

The sudden realization of his potential manipulation was enough to disconnect him completely from the moment. He too his mouth from josh's ("Josh" is a proper name and requires capitalization.) neck and and 

DOUBLE THE "ANDS" DOUBLE THE POWER

hastily part away from him, almost making him felt to the floor.

What.

You were still on top of Josh even after the knock? I thought it was all over. I thought you pulled away and everything.

Dr. Hill. 

For shame.

Josh looked confused for a mere second, but then his faced changed again and he smiled.

- What's wrong?- He asked, seemingly naive.

"Naive" isn't the right word here. "Stupid" is. Does Josh realize the position he's putting Dr. Hill into? It could compromise his job, his medical license, and his family. There is someone currently knocking on the door, someone who could easily open said door at any moment. This could be very bad for Dr. Hill, so Josh, maybe think about the context of where you are and what's happened within the last few seconds before you ask inane questions.

As Alan stood up from the couch and quickly went to his desk, to pick up his notes, he said: - I think you better go, Josh- He looked at the young 

Seven.

man and couldn't decipher his emotions. But even if this manipulation had been only in his mind, it was a good thing he had stopped before something else might had happened.

He says this as if there wasn't FULL COCK ENGORGEMENT AND CONTACT.

-But we were doing so good, no?- he asked to the psychiatrist.

-No- Saquarry responded. -Now, get out.-

For a while, silence filled the room as Josh just looked at the man, looking for an answer and Dr. Hill just sat on his desk, writing about this new possible developments.

Dr. Hill why are you incriminating yourself on your cougar desk?

"Probable manipulation and a hint of threat to others if left unchecked".

"Also, he touched my hard cock when it had blood from my brain flowing into it. He's very young after all."

And this is where I vomit forever into the endless void of white porcelain.

Dr. Hill looked at his watch, trying not to make contact with his young 

Eight.

patient, and realized, thankfully, the session would be over soon. Just a few more minutes.

You- you don't have to wait, you know. You could just kick him out. Is his money really worth not throwing him out?

What happened to the knocking on the door? Was that sideplot dropped?

-Do you think I'm playing you?- Suddenly Josh asked.

Finally Alan looked at him - I don't know, Josh. I don't know anything when it comes to you, it seems-.

- I'm not - He said - You are not someone who i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) would ever played with...never- He added, seeming hurt by the man's words.

I've never been so thoroughly upset about nonsense grammar in my life.

Dr. Hill's heart melted as he began feeling sorry for the boy again - Come on, son. Sit here on the chair- he said kindly, indicating the big chair in front of his desk.

Why is any of this happening? This is not real reality. This is bad grammar and worse emotions.

Josh moved slowly from the couch to the chair and sat, looking directly into the man's eyes. Alan caringly put his hand on the desk and asked Josh to hold it with his. He did.

No.

Put that hand away.

Touching = bad.

- Josh, I'll always be with you, my boy. Don't be afraid- He started saying - You are not alone in this world, remember that, okay?-

-Okay-

-Even when you are psychically alone, remember, I will always be with you. Remember my voice and my words. Never forget my words-.

That would be an extremely nice sentiment if you weren't just minutes ago making out with him and having inappropriate touching happening in front of the cougar.

Kill me, please.

I'll see this every time I close my cougar-eyes.

-But i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) want you inside me- Josh moaned, like a wounded animal.

Stop, Josh. Stop this nonsense madness, okay?

This isn't helping me.

Alan smiled kindly - And I will always be inside you, boy.

Dr. Hill, now is not the time for this. We're winding the story down now, not heating it up. Please no.

If you remember my voice, i'll ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) always be in you….there- He said pointing to Josh's head - A kind word in the darkness, keeping the monsters away-.

- Will you really keep them away?-

- Of course-

A new knock sounded on the door.

Because the old one wandered off, forgetting what they wanted.

- Come in- Said Dr. Hill.

A young blonde nurse came in - Dr. Hill, hello- She then looked at Josh - Sorry if I'm interrupting you. I knocked before-.

Alan nodded -Yes, I heard it, what is it, Sarah?-

-Your 12 o'clock appointment was rescheduled and it started 20 minutes ago.

You're a little late, Sarah.

I blame you. 

You could have prevented this entire debacle.

 I came as soon as I could.

AS SOON AS YOU COULD WOULD HAVE BEEN AT LEAST TWENTY MINUTES AGO, SARAH

I'm so sorry- the young woman said shaking her head - I should have come earlier, but they forgot to tell me-.

Who is "they?" The patient(s)? The doctor? Yourself?

Who rescheduled the appointment, Sarah? Was it you? How could anyone but you reschedule the appointment, Sarah?

You are disappointing me so hard right now.

The reunion with the head of the hospital and the chief of the department of mental health about budget issues, Alan remembered.

Ah, not a patient appointment, but rather another appointment entirely that someone just forgot to tell Dr. Hill about, even though, if my reading is correct (and it probably isn't because grammar), Dr. Hill is one-half of the appointment. How can he not know that an appointment has changed when he's one-half of it?

Okay, Sarah. Maybe this isn't entirely your fault. Maybe my vengeance won't be coming your way just yet. Next time either read the future or knock on the door earlier, for heaven's sake.

But the head of the hospital will certainly be hearing from me in a strongly worded letter.

He got up and put his notes on his desk drawer. Even if his session with Josh had been incredibly productive, which he felt it wasn't, this was too much of a serious matter to be taken lightly.

The serious matter of Josh touching your junk?

-Josh, i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) need to go now. I'm so sorry- Alan said, picking his coat from the rack and his suitcase from the floor - I'm needed somewhere else. But we were almost in our deadline anyway, so i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) hope it doesn't bother you too much-.

-It's alright- Josh smiled standing up. - I need to go home anyways. My mom is picking me up to do some errands with her-.

Oh, this sounds too much like pedophilia now for my own comfort level.

-It's good you and your mother are spending more time together- The older man said.

-Yeah. Me and my dad too. At least, all the time he can get- Josh looked down for a minute.

Josh's relationship with his father had been always complex it seemed, but for the boy to move on away from the tragedy, they needed to explore more his connections with his still living relatives.

-We need to talk about those advances with your parents next time-

No. Josh needs a new psychiatrist.

-Alright, Doctor- Josh said.

Dr. Hill stood next to the young man, smiling kindly as he patted him in the arm

No, Dr. Hill. You are no longer allowed to touch the patient. Those privileges have been hereby stripped from you. 

- We should also advance on what you said today too. It was very interesting-.

-On what I said, or what i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) did? - Josh inquiring eyes sat on Hill's face, making him blush. That "slip" had to remain away as possible from this office and not be discussed ever again. He had to establish the boundaries again if he wanted to continue with his treatment.

"Josh inquiring eyes" aside, why are you continuing with this when you have compromised this whole fucking thing?

- What you said. About games and all that. We need to talk about the repercussions of your idea on the rest of the world- Dr. Hill remarked.

-Oh. Okay- Josh sighed looking disappointed. He lowered his gaze towards the floor again, making Dr. Hill upset with himself.

You're upset with making Josh despondent, but not with him touching your cock?

For shame.

He then gently cupped Josh's face with his hand, raising his gaze to meet his eyes.

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TOUCHING PRIVILEGES BEING REVOKED!? WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?

- Josh. You have to remember what i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) told you, okay? Never feel lonely. You fear

Tell me this doesn't keep happening.

will never get you if you remember my voice. I'll alway 

Alway?

be with you. If not, you could end up feeling isolated. If not my voice, someone else's….anyone who you think might be of good company-

-How about my friendly cougar over here...?-

kill me please

-Yeah, I will- He nodded - I promise, Doctor-.

-You can call me Alan if you want, Josh. I don't mind- The man said, trying to sound amicable and close.

Don't ever call him Alan.

The young man nodded - Yes, sure. Alan, sure - 

What did I just-?

Nobody listens to me, do they?

He pretended to smile to the older man, which was answered with a pat in the back.

'NO TOUCHING.' WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, DR. HILL? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

- Good-.

As they both left the office, the doctor kept advising Josh about what to do in case of emergency-And if you can't shake that feeling of isolation down, You have my number right there in your cell phone, so we can talk. I'm always free-.

-I know. I appreciate it- Josh smiled again, this times more honestly.

This times, huh?

Then they stood a minute before parting ways. The reunion was set in the top floor of the Institute, while Josh had to head back down, to the street. 

That last comma is awful, and I hate it.

As Alan look 

at the boy's eyes for the last time that day, he tried to seem that everything that happened in the session had been a strange dream, that boy and him had not crossed any lines and that the warmth of his young body was still a foreign concept for his touch.

So, you're lying to yourself, huh? Real nice.

-Later Josh- Dr. Hill bowed a bit -See you next wednesday ("Wednesday," a proper name of a day of the week, is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) at eleven as always-

- Goodbye doctor. See you next week- Josh said raising his hand, grinning silly.

The doctor smiled back, trying to keep his normal composure in front of the people in the hallway, but still with the taste of the boy's mouth was lingering under his tongue.

Come on, dude.

Jesus Christ, what have i ("I" is always capitalized. It requires capitalization.) done, he thought as he walked away.

Finally, you're getting why this is a problem.

I'm never regaining control again.

The end.

Well, that was abrupt.

I need a drink. That was rough. No more old-young weird psychiatry creepy session things for me. Maybe I'll go and review something nicer for the next one. Less complex. Less gross.