Sassy Fan Fiction Analyses

Sassy Fan Fiction Analyses

Thursday, October 1, 2015

TR Trilogy, Book 1... TR Trilogy, Book 1... TR Trilogy, Book 1...

Okay, okay... One more post from me, Cgeezman, before NYCC. Just one. That's all. Then, it's off to comics and nerdhood and all things overcrowded and amazing.

In honor of this fantastic display of geekery (largest in the country!), I've decided to do a fanfiction of one of the most successful geeky things of all time- Pokemon! This little series, originally begun in 1995, started as a pair of games for the original GameBoy console and has since spread into countless manga books, even more countless anime episodes, six generations of pocket monsters, and another twenty or so games beyond...

...Oh, and fanfictions. It spawned those, too. Lots of those.

I wanted to see how far down this particular rabbit hole went; I went back to some of the earliest Pokemon fanfiction I could find for this one.What follows is actually one of the earliest M-Rated Pokemon fics listed on fanfiction-dot-net, believe it or not, and was written back in May of 2000. That's right, readers- this fic may be older than some of you. Isn't that terrifying? It's terrifying for me. I remember when Pokemon first came out, and wow do I suddenly feel old.

Ugh. Just take this review while I try to make myself feel less like a grandmother at the tender age of twenty-four. Floppy discs? Pogs? CrazyBones? Sock'em Boppers?  Anybody? *sob*

As always, the text of the actual fanfiction will be in blue and my commentary will be in black, and I'm going to run under the assumption that everyone reading this has some idea of what Pokemon is (and if you don't, you are way too young to be reading about me swearing copiously over terribly-written fanfiction. Go find a real Pokemon game and enjoy your childhood. Go. Shoo.).

...The fuck does 'ambious' mean? Some bastardization of 'ambitious'? Some grievous misuse/mangling of a variant of 'ambient'? I'm usually great at translating misspellings, but this one has me stumped. Any thoughts?

TR trilogy: Book 1 ­ The Return, Prologue ­ Stormy Nights, Broken Hearts

By: Raichu4ever

Greetings everyone, here is the new story: TR trilogy. Hope you like it.

...Admittedly, I'm curious what 'TR' stands for. Can anyone figure it out for me? Is it just the first two letters of 'Trilogy' slapped in there an extra time for impact?

Disclaimer: Pokemon and its associated characters are copyright by Nintendo, Game Freak, Creatures Inc, and 4Kids Productions.

I notice this sort of disclaimer on a lot of older fanfictions, and occasionally some current ones... Don't worry, writers, no one believes these series belong to you. It's okay. We know.

~*~*~

Prologue ­ Stormy Nights, Broken Hearts

It was a dark and stormy night as Misty Water flower walked down the wet sidewalk.

I actually had to look this up- Misty does have a last name, and it is indeed 'Waterflower,' who would've thought? It's literally never mentioned in the American anime ever, but in the Japanese anime she refers to herself as 'Kasumi Yawa,' which translates to 'Misty Waterflower.' The more you know! ...Still shouldn't have that weird space in there, though.

And if you really expect me to take this fic seriously, especially when it begins with "It was a dark and stormy night," then you have another thing coming. Specifically, you have a snarky review coming. Right here. Right now.

Three years ago, this was the place Ash Ketchum had last been seen. Today her feelings were just like the soggy and humid weather outside.

...Her feelings were soggy and humid? Was she hot and uncomfortable? Sweaty? Gross? That's the impression I'm getting, and it's kinda icky.

True, the disappearance of Ash had torn her heart. Tears coursed down her checks as she remembered the young Pokemon Master. So young and full of energy, never giving up ­

I just went off on another fic for not including periods, and it's still a sensitive topic for me. Don't test me, Raichu4Ever. ...Or, wait, is it LavenderWhispers? Weird.

How could he be dead?

Woah, woah, woah, all you mentioned was 'last seen;' where is 'dead' coming from? Did he literally croak on the spot she's standing?

Misty's mind silently demanded. Demanded silently to no one, to nothing.

It did so silently and demandingly. It demanded in a silent manner. Quietly, silently, it demanded. You said it once we get it please stop

Misty pushed aside those forgotten feelings

Clearly, those feelings were not forgotten. They were like the everyday weather, they were so much not forgotten.

and continued onward to her destination...

~*~*~

To be continued...

Wait, where is her destination? That's not a good cliffhanger, that's being an asshole.

~*~*~

Okay, I'm just started. But this story is going to be one of my masterpieces. Stay tuned for Chapter 1 ­ The Revenge of Team Rocket. Signing off ­ Raichu4ever

...That's it? Really?

...Oh. Well, alright then. I guess. I've got more material to work with, at least.

I guess we'll go over the revised prologue, then, and see if any of the nit-picking I did had been improved on (well before I even nit-picked it!)...

My guess is... it won't be.

Also, I'm cutting out the disclaimer from the revised prologue since it's completely pointless and I don't care about it in the slightest.

Prologue ­ The Stormy Nights

It was a dark and stormy night as Misty
Waterflower walked down the wet sidewalk. Three years ago, this was the place Ash Ketchum had last been seen. Today her feelings we just like the soggy and humid weather outside. True, the disappearance of Ash had torn her heart. She had spent many nights like this, alone and afraid. Tears coursed down her checks as she remembered the young Pokemon Master. So young and full of energy, never giving up (-)­ How could he be dead? Misty's mind silently demanded. Demanded silently to no one, to nothing. Misty pushed aside those forgotten feelings and continued onward to her destination...

(~*~*~)

To be continued...

Look I HAD to revise it because the story titles were a bit screwed up. So look out for Chapter 1 ­ The Plan. 

...I highlighted every single difference between the original and the revision. See? This doesn't seem very... 'revised.' Like, at all. The stuff in parenthesis was actually removed between the first and second versions. ...At least they corrected the spacing in 'Waterflower?' I guess?

I mean, alright, it's spelled correctly throughout, and the grammar is fairly... okay. I do, however, admit to being completely baffled at the reasoning behind making this a 'Mature' rating. It's not explicit in any way. It's just-

-Yeah. That. Completely.
I know the M-rating ability was added to eff-eff-dot-net at some point a long time ago, and I'm wondering if this was written around when that was implemented. Giving something like this an M-rating to seem edgy and cool is decidedly misleading; having that rating means that the content of the story is only appropriate for mature audiences. Whether for language, explicit content, violence, or mature situations; with an M-rating, you're telling readers that something should be censored from younger audiences.

Nothing about this is worth censoring. It's so bland that I don't even feel compelled to tell the author off, or to beg them to stop writing- they've done that on their own. After the 'Chapter One' story that Raichu4Ever posted, there's been nothing... For over fifteen years.

So this is it, folks. The last bit of writing that Raichu4Ever has ever posted online. We must enshrine this last effort in some dim hope that they will, one day, return to us with Chapter 2.

TR Trilogy: Book 1 ­ The Return, Chapter 1 ­ The Plan
By: Raichu4ever

Okay, if you're going to keep telling us that it's 'Book 1', Raichu4Ever, then we're kinda going to expect a 'Book 2'. Or a Chapter 2! Anything!

Hello, everybody. Sorry the story is going so slooooooow, it's just that our teacher is STILL giving us homework. Anyway here is a list of fanfics I've written

Oh no, homework! How dare teachers assign homework! I mean, after 15 years, you think they would stop assigning homework at some point. Assuming you wrote this in, say, third grade, I sincerely they don't still give you afterschool assignments in grade 18. Just saying. just to clarify, no, grade 18 does not exist. i was being sarcastic.

Disclaimer: Pokemon and its associated characters are copyright by Nintendo, Game Freak, Creatures Inc, and 4Kids Productions.

STOP IT WE KNOW POKEMON DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU

Chapter ­ The Plan
You really, really seem to have a thing for repeating yourself. I think you tend to say things twice, Raichu4Ever. Perhaps you even repeat yourself.

In the most deepest

I was trying to be funny about the redundancy but now I'm ready to cry.

and darkest room of the Team Rocket Mansion was the Boss, Giovanni, and in front of him was Team Rocket's most dangerous member. But soon he would show the world his face.

But soon... who would show his face? The Rocket Member? Giovanni?

"You will go and make sure they all believe every word you say. But of course, they're too stupid to notice the little details. Then you will lead them into the trap."

Uhh... what?

"Make a nebulous, non-specific 'them' believe everything you say, and it doesn't matter if 'they' don't believe you because fuck small details. Then, it's UNSPECIFIED TRAP TIME because clearly traps are bad and even if I don't explicitly state what, how, and why we're trapping 'them,'then people will still understand that I am an asshole supervillain. The author even said that we were the most dangerous, and also incredibly dangerous."

Giovanni finished and glanced down at the figure. "Do you understand?" he asked with a dangerous voice.

"No. Can you repeat that?"

The figure made no sound, but grinded his teeth together and stared hard at his fist. Obviously deep in thought.

"Man, I really hate this guy, he always says things twice. It's super-repetitive. If he does it again, I'm gonna glare SO HARD in his direction..."

Giovanni had no such patience.

"AM I UNDERSTOOD!?!" he thundered.

"Fuck this."

The Rocket looked up and stared Giovanni directly in the eye, sending a shiver down his own boss's spine. For he was the most deadliest,

Oh my fuck

the most swiftest,

OH MY FUCK

and most dangerous

OH MY FUCK

of them all. And basically could commit perfect crimes.

PERFECT GRAMMAR CRIMES I MEAN LOOK AT THIS SHIT AND ALSO GAZE UPON THIS EXCREMENT AND ALSO STARE AT THIS FECAL MATTER

"Yes understood." The Rocket replied in a cold, sinister voice.

The Boss smiled. He was finally going to teach the world a lesson. And he had the weapon to do it with. The world would finally learn to fear him. Giovanni and Team Rocket!

...Wait, okay, remind me why Giovanni is trying to teach the world a lesson? Is the weapon a single dude? Why isn't it a Pokemon, isn't that what Team Rocket is...about? Using Pokemon to make people's lives miserable?

Yes, I know its a bit short, but the other chapters will be larger. I PROMISE.

...Holy shit, is it already over?

Its just that our teacher is still giving us mucho, mucho homework.

YOU ALREADY SAID THAT AKSNFJLAVBASKFBNV

Signing off. Visit TR Trilogy's pathetic excuse for a web site. (here, a website is listed in the fic, but DON'T TRY IT, I did and it is SO JAMMED WITH SPYWARE AND MALWARE) (But the website ain't pathetic at all!) But it's under major construction. And yes I spell horrid. 

...Raichu4Ever, you honestly spell fine. I think you had a single word misspelled in your entire 3 chapters (a new badfic record)!

No, spelling isn't your problem. You don't have any issues when it comes to arranging letters correctly. You're completely capable of correctly placing the alphabet in sequence to form words. You've got no difficulties with orthography.

Your main issues lie, Raichu4Ever- and pay attention, I will only say this once more- your main issues lie in redundancy.

Now get back here and write all of these fanfictions you promised us! 
As a last-minute count, I just wanted to point out that I ripped on 'repetition/redudndancy' a grand total of eleven times. Out of the roughly 730 words in this fanfiction, that averages out to a repeated thing roughly every sixty-five words. Never be this author. Do not become this person. Aim to not write as such. Strive for anything else...

And! Just wanted to say YO to anyone headed to NYCC! Shoot us a comment or a message, it would be pretty daggum sweet to meet a reader or two in the disgusting throngs of grand nerdiness and geekery. We're planning on dressing up each day and doing the whole cosplay thing (we're kinda stupidly into it), so keep your eyes out! :D Hope to see you there!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

'New Life', a Sonic fic in which Periods Don't Exist and Sonic Strates to Cry

Hey all! Check this out- an update! The second one in a week! We are on a roll! With ComicCon looming overhead (two more weeks! two more weeks!), I've decided to procrastinate on like five costumes and important things to bring you another Sassy Installment to our Sassy Review Archives.

This time, it's a short Sonic fanfiction focusing on Amy Rose. If you don't at least know who or what Sonic the Hedgehog is, this is either your first time on the internet or you're actually four years old. And I think even four-year-olds play Sonic games nowadays, so there's that. You have no excuse. BUT, if for some (absurd) reason, you've got no idea what I'm talking about....

These are Sonic and Amy the Hedgehogs. Technically. (original artist unknown)

If I remember correctly, Amy has historically had a semi-requited crush on Sonic throughout the series, though that doesn't really come into play at all in the following fic. She can wield a giant ass-kicking hammer as a weapon, too... and that's about all I know about her, really. Oh, and she's pink. And a hedgehog.

That being said, please enjoy this fic by Mdllt on fanfiction-dot-net; "New life". As always, my commentary is in black, and the fic is in blue pink today! I believe this is an 'Alternate Universe' fic; one that bases the characters off of pre-existing content, but places them in settings not compliant with the source material.

And we're off!

save me
Hello my name is Amelia Rosetta I am 17 this is my story this might be be sad to read.

You heard Amelia Rosetta, folks. Grab you some snotrags, apparently you'll need them. Not me, I have a cold dead heart of ice as evidenced by the fact that I write these reviews.

 It all started when I was 5 years old my parents started to fight . They made up 4 years later and had my little brother I loved him.

...I think you're missing a few periods in there. Just a few. You use them like this. When you need to end a sentence, you put a small black dot after the last word, and it means the sentence is over. Just like this. This is an example. This too.

Also, holy shit. 'My parents didn't get along when I was five but then SKIP FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE and then they magically get along. Also three-years-three-months into it, they boned and now I have a baby brother. I guess I was kinda fond of him.' This kind of 'tell-not-show' writing is really, really weak and uninteresting...

When I was11 my parents got a divorce I was stuck with my dad he would work and I would stay home I was abused every day I need help but wouldn't speak up.

What did I say about periods? What. Did I just say. About periods.

I was afraid now that he raped me when he was drunk I was only 15 and I ran away I had 5 thousand dollars I went into a different city and I had work at a nice restaurant who paid me 30 dollars per hour I go to school under a different name I was now Amy rose the clubs dancer and singer
That... all of that is punctuated as a single sentence. Help me understand, Mdllt, do you expect people to breathe at all? My lungs feel pinched when I go through this in my head, let alone trying to read it out loud. Also... five thousand dollars at the age of 15? What the fuck job did you have that you could make that much money in your single year of legal employ of 18 hours per week or less? What restaurant pays $30/hour for you to shake your tiny 15-year-old ass for their patrons?

Isn't it nice of a restaurant to pay her $30/hr for dancing? Don't forget that every single time her age is mentioned, Amy's younger than eighteen. Just wanted to remind you of that wonderful fact. You pervert.

Oh, good, Chapter Two begins here.

Before daddy stated to rape me my friend cream took me to go on birth control pills she knew he stare to abuse me and shhe said " Amy we don't even know when he will try to rape you pleas do this for me your to young to be pregnant I want you to be able to life a better life than me"
While Cream (a cream-colored rabbit also featured in the Sonic titles) seems to be a very considerate friend here, she also needs to learn to punctuate. And spell. And someone pleas please teach this bunny the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. And one does not 'life' a life, one 'lives' it. ...What kind of life is Cream 'life-ing', that being sexually abused by a father figure is BETTER?

I really did treat her like a sister

Based on your family's history, I sincerely hope you didn't treat her like a sister...

and she was left at an orphanage as a little girl i was older than her by 1 1/2 year and I was lucky enough to have her my friend she was the only one of who didn't bully me and she run away with me after he started to rape me .

If she was left at an orphanage... how did the two of you meet? School? If you were older than her by that much, how would you have met, since you wouldn't share classes between different years? Only one of who that didn't bully you? You're telling us about your life, Amelia Rosetta, but all I'm coming away with is questions.

And... You, as a fifteen-year-old girl, convinced your thirteen-point-five-year-old friend to run away with you to a completely different city and make new lives on your five thousand dollars. And you miraculously landed a $30/hr club dancer/singer position when you were fifteen.

I don't know about the rest of you, readers, but I might be having a few issues suspending my disbelief here. Something about this seems... slightly implausible. Just a tad.

We went to school called the Bulldogs high school now I'll tell you for my life for right now
...Weren't you already supposed to be telling us about your life? Isn't that what you were just doing?

(Uncle's Voice:) ONE MO'E T'ING A point I want to address here, too, just to rip this topic off like the gross, overused, old, crusty band-aid it is; RAPE SHOULD NOT BE A DRAMATIC CRUTCH. Please, please, please understand this, fic writers; if you're using rape or sexual assault as your main drama-bomb, you are doing it wrong and are a terrible writer. There are SO MANY OTHER CONFLICTS to write about than forced sexual contact, and most (if not all) are more interesting and engaging for storytelling purposes. Rape as your go-to dramatic climax (HA) or your tragic backstory is just... weak. It's uninteresting and does a serious topic- and your fanfiction- a pretty harsh disservice. If the only way you can think of spicing up your story is by putting someone in a sexually compromising position, I'm gonna need you to step back and hit yourself in the face until you magically become more creative... or learn to stop writing. Either-or.  /endrant

and holy fuck if one more character is an orphan just to try to win instant pity I fucking swear i will fight someone, preferably the orphan

I shut up, and Chapter Three begins here. 

Its 7:40am I am going to meet up with the gang Black Bloody Roses

(*'My Immortal' Flashbacks*)

I love the sense of timing in this fic; let's skip four years of life in the first chapter, describe next-to-nothing in the temporally nebulous second chapter, and explicitly state the time of day in the third. Consistency! :D

I see the gang in the court yard where we meet up there was a new guy his hair was black with red highlights .

" what up guys who is the new guy?"
Look, Mdllt, if you really want people to understand where sentences stop and start, there are two basic things that need to be done. One is putting periods at the end of a phrase (which I believe we've covered already), and the other is putting a capital letter at the beginning of the phrase. It works just like this. See how you can easily tell how this should be read? Capital letters are larger than lowercase letters. They are the same letters but bigger.

And not bigger like this, either.

All of a sudden he is next to me and said " Hello Amelia Rosetta how have you been"
Now you're mixing two different verb tenses in a single sentence.

then all boy [ sonic, knuckles ,silver, scrouge , Miguel and tails ] sonic said " How the fuck do you know Amy's real name "
Yes, all the boy. All of boy said a question. Sonic even said it twice, he is so much all the boy.

shadow " We ll, put down the guns I know her twin brother who is fucking late again James"
Wait, when did guns come into this? Who the fuck is her twin brother, now? Does she mean the brother from chapter one, who is nine years younger than her? Is his name James?

I strated to tear up

Please strop.

zack and me have been spreated

Who the hell is Zack?
at such a young age we love each other and had a strong

...A strong what?

I noticed that cream came next to me and gave me a hug "Guys put the guns down. " 

HOLY FUCK THERE WERE ACTUALLY GUNS? A bunch of fifteen-year-olds just pulled a fuckload of ACTUAL GUNS on a new kid that asked the protagonist a question? I can't... I can't do this anymore.

DID YOU JUST TRY TO GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE MOTHERFUCKER? PREPARE TO ENJOY A HEARTY BREAKFAST OF HOLES IN YOUR TORSO YOU SON OF A BITCH

I got my gun and said "how much do you know about zack and me ?"

shadow" Well when you went missing me and him sreached for you for months .

Threy strated sreaching brut erventually hrad to strop.

he would say Amelia I wonder where you are at and start to say say all the things that you liked "

cream stated to giggle we all gave her a wtf look

Yeah, what the hell, Cream. How dare you be happy. And I refuse to type out 'fuck' despite using it in entirety not ten sentences earlier.

"wow Amy you and your brother did the same thing and talk about each other to different people "

sonic started to cry

Excuse me what

" what the amy I treat you like a brother and you don't tell me any things wahhhhhhh." sally hit him with the purse and said you "idiot stop making a seen (idk if I spelled that )"

Thank you, Sally. (And... I mean, yeah, you certainly did spell 'scene', though you didn't spell it correctly.)

all of sudden a green hair person came running into the boys did with shadow " really you going to fucking shoot me" they put their guns down.

WHO THE HELL GAVE THESE HIGH-SCHOOLERS ALL FIREARMS THAT THEY CLEARLY AREN'T OPERATING SAFELY WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA

" Zacky­poo can you get off of me .'' zack "wait only my sister calls me that rosy is that you " my eye started to twitch and the boys starte to giggle like girls and stop when I gave them death glared

Maybe don't hug-attack people if you're not sure whether or not they're your estranged maybe-twin sister. Just as a suggestion. And how DARE those boys giggle after immediately pulling guns on said hug-attacker. The moods in this 'seen' make total sense! I swear!

" what have I told you about calling me that name "

"I don't remember- we've been separated for literal years, right?"

" I'm sorry ema­chan (who the fuck is emachan? Please give everyone a name and stick with it! The protag has gone through FOUR DIFFERENT NAMES now!) its that I was checking if you were the real thing . dad said that you were drinking and just left the house with all of your thing ."

cream "that bastard why the hell dosent he really say what happened really he thinks that he should be getting away with beating and amy's v­card if I ever see him again next to my sister I'll kill him"
Yeah, beating and Amy's V-card. This is a capital crime, beating and V-card. It could earn someone up to eight mentions in a bad fanfiction, which is both cruel and unusual punishment. May the courts have mercy on your soul.

tails " Now sweet pea please calm down we don't want you killing any one just yet "

cream "kk" in her cheerful voice and a fake smile
Whatever anyone does, don't give them any guns.

zack " so that's what really happened Amelia " I nodded and started crying on him while hugging him. The gang got closer and we had a group hug anyone who know us knows that this was a heart touhing moment for the B.B.R. 

That's nice... I think. Too bad I don't know anything at all despite reading almost eight hundred words of fanfiction, otherwise this might be 'touhing'.

With that, dear readers, we have gone through all of 'New life', and what a journey it's been! I think I've just about covered what I was looking to say, and only want to leave you with one more thing...

...A fuckload of periods; please distribute them liberally throughout your writing- even at the end of sentences, should you feel so daring- and I'll throw in a dash of capital letters for you to use, too. Aren't I just so kind?

.....A.C..Y....
..RW......DN......S
......E...Q........G..M.......

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Wow, internet. Just wow. We leave for two years and THIS is what you get up to while we're gone? For shame. For SHAME. We haul ourselves back here for some terrible, terrible fanfiction and what do we find?

Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE fanfiction. I don't know whether to be pleased or disappointed.

In the two-year gap we've had between our last review and this one, there's definitely been a lot of changes; we've each changed jobs, Fanfiction-dot-net no longer allows for straight highlight-and-copying, Saquarry and I got engaged... oh, and Star Wars. Star Wars is a thing.

Now, if you knew Saquarry and I (be thankful you don't), you'd know that we're, ah, excited for the Star Wars sequels coming out. Very excited. Stupidly, crazily, extremely excited. 'Went to two different stores at the midnight toy release' excited. 'Going to cosplay two different Star Wars couples at NYCC' excited.

So, we figured, what better way to break back into this blog than with a topically-relevant Star Wars story? Might as well get ourselves all geared up for the loads of verbal porn diarrhea that will inevitably hit the internet as soon as the movie releases. Or sooner. Or now. (Don't believe me? You don't know the internet.) To honor the new Star Wars movies, and to get our own selves back into the swing of this reviewing thing, please enjoy this critique of "Comfort" from Ahsoka1248 on Fanfiction-dot-net.

As is traditional, the fic itself will be in blue text, and my commentary will be in black text. There will also be swearing and (terrible) descriptions of sex in here. Honestly, that's basically all that'll be in here. Swearing and terrible descriptions of sex. Oh, and one other thing...

This. This is in there too. Just so you know.

Prepare your barf bags- I know I've got mine at the ready. And for those who don't know anything about Star Wars (what rock do you live under?), Leia is the badass mother of Jaina, Jason, and Anakin Solo. This all happens in the Expanded Universe Canon, so not the same universe as the movies. And this fic, thankfully, isn't official in either the movies or the Expanded Universe. We're safe there.

But! That's about all you need to know for this fic to instantly become gut-wrenching. Here we go...

Jaina's small frame was wracked with sobs. Leia gently massaged her teen daughter's back, tears in her own eyes. Jaina wrapped her small arms around Leia.

"Why did he have to die," she moaned.

Anakin had died two days before.

Okay. So, your brother has bitten the proverbial blaster shot... That's rough, buddy.Also, as a point of fact, it's a very hard mood to swing from 'death of family member' to 'depth of family's member' (HA). Maybe try to avoid this kind of intro in future fics- or, really, avoid future fics.

Please.

Jaina kissed Leia on the mouth. Jaina's tongue probed at the entrance to Leia's mouth. Leia shoved Jaina away.

"What the hell are you doing?"

And that, folks, is the absolutely last average sentence in the fanfiction. It only goes downhill from here. Now, pardon me, I need to reach my barf bag...

"Let me comfort you, Mom," Jaina said, as she leaned in to kiss Leia again.

*COUGH*

"Jaina, we can't," Leia protested.

Her protest changed to a moan of pleasure as Jaina's hand slid down her panties and began to massage her wet slit.

*HURK*

"Fuck, Jaina. That feels amazing!"

*GAG*

Jaina kissed Leia on the lips again, her free hand resting lightly on Leia's cheek.

As her other hand fingers her own mother. Just keep that in mind, folks. *WHEEZE*

Jaina's tongue probed at the entrance to Leia's mouth. Leia allowed entrance.

Because heaven forbid Jaina rape her mother; no, this parental incest has to be CONSENSUAL, damnit!

Jaina broke the kiss, and pulled off Leia's shirt. She pulled down Leia's pants, and kissed her mom again. Leia found herself growing wet as Jaina stripped off her own clothes.

...Wasn't she already wet? I thought when Jaina jammed her hand down there the first time (*HACK*), Leia was already... you know what, never mind. I don't want to pay attention anymore.

Jaina kissed Leia, and then broke the kiss again. She kissed Leia's neck,

Hey, readers. Want to play a game? Let's count how many times the word 'kiss' was used in those last one-point-five sentences! It's excessive! :D

sending a shiver of pleasure up the older woman's spine. Jaina's kisses drifted down Leia's chest, and she began to suck on Leia's left nipple while her left hand massaged Leia's left breast and her right hand played with the other woman's large right breast.

Okay, wait. Wait right here. Let me explain something- I have seen this so many times in fanfiction, and it pisses me off. A person's right breast corresponds with their right side, not with the viewer's right side. Allow me to demonstrate:
This is how some breasts look on people- but the LEFT and RIGHT never change. That's where they are.
So now I'm showing Jaina sucking on Leia's left nipple in green... (*HACK*)
...And now Jaina is playing with the LEFT breast with her own left hand... (*HURK*) 
Now, this scene has been (gross, but) anatomically possible so far. As shown above, it could be done. But then we add in that right-hand-to-right-breast bit, and...
Uhhh....
Hrm....
NOPE

Every single time I read a 'sexy' description, the lefts and rights and body parts are so often mashed together it's like someone dumped multiple horny mannequin pieces into a random pile on the floor and started to describe the sweaty groping that ensued. I want to start an Anatomy Awareness Week or something where everyone proofreads their smut to make sure no random limbs are, say, hypothetically extending out of stomachs or something to get their fondle on.
Jaina ceased sucking and rubbing. She buckled on a strap-on dildo. She pushed the length inside Leia,
Welp, that went from 'second' to 'home' really quickly. Bam, sudden dildo. 'You cool with this, Mom? I'm just gonna go right ahead even though you haven't said anything and yyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhh. Home run.' I hope you readers know I'm actually nauseous right now, by the way, though I guess I only have myself to blame at this point. And Ahsoka1248. Them too. speeding up the pace as she rammed in and out of the older woman. Leia climaxed, cum oozing out over the dildo. If you want this to seem really sexy, imagine someone squeezing a jar of mayonnaise out around a pickle. Hear that exact sound in your mind, over and over. Picture that mayo all oozy and thick and chunky. Now grab your barf bags! Jaina pulled out and removed the dildo from her body. Leia buckled it on as well and then pushed Jaina down on the couch. She pushed the length inside of Jaina, Secondhand dildo... Sexy. You know that should really get cleaned, right? Don't want to spread any (*CHOKE*) mother-daughter STD's here. ramming in and out of her young daughter (*BLAAAAAAGH*) until the younger woman cummed as well. They kissed again.
And that, thankfully, is all this fic has. I don't even have it in me (HA) to correct 'cummed'. I just... I need to go scrub myself clean. ...Or we could look at Ahsoka1248's profile, I guess. Just to put a cherry on top of this mayonnaise sundae.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And now, I need to shower. This mayonnaise is gross.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

WIKI NO SENSE

Fear me, for I am your God.
So, another small update of a sort, and oh, what a sort it is. Good Lord are these creepy pastas sometimes absolutely ridiculous. Here's the link to the original. It's on the creepy pasta wiki, naturally. You don't know how snarkily I just said that. Just imagine a snarky man saying a snarky thing in the snarkiest way possible. I don't know the author, and I find the story so ridiculous that I don't really care who the author actually is. The story itself has a four out of five star rating. It's almost perfect. Remember that as you read it. This is a NEAR-PERFECT creepy pasta.

I was combing the bowels of the pastas and found this thing. Is it good? No, of course not. It would't be here if it were good. Is it bad? Well, it's not the worst, but I have no idea why someone would write or enjoy it. Yes, there are some that are leagues worse, but this is bad in an interesting way. This is crazy of me, I know, but I'd rather be frightened or entertained, not wondering why people need to jump to insane conclusions.

Also, I used to be a wiki contributor a good long while ago. I haven't posted a damn thing in years and years. So, maybe I'm a dead guy posting here. Or maybe life kind of got in the way of me having a good time editing articles. Huh, I wonder.

So, here it goes, Contributions:

Ever wonder why a wiki member will just disappear from a wiki, not posting activity for a year, or maybe several, before returning?

No. I assume real life came up. You know, maybe they married somebody, had a kid, started a new job, went to college, or simply had less time for writing things. It happens a great deal, believe it or not. Yes, not everybody is horribly murdered. Oh, did I spoil the story? Whoops.

Let me tell you why that is.

Regale me. I'm sure to be impressed by your "theories."




(No, I'm not.)

You see, these people are killed,

Uh... Well, I called it.

by who (whom), and why they do it, is unknown, maybe they're making money off of it, I don't know. 

What? Why would anybody be making money off of killing somebody to make them stop posting on a wiki? Or killing them when they decide to stop posting? That's literally an insane conspiracy theory idea. No actual person would actually do that. And if they did they wouldn't do it much. I think that's a fair assessment. These people could come from anywhere. So, unless the internet is killing them or some weird cult that's literally everywhere, I think we can rule this theory out completely out of sheer stupidity.

All that's known is that the people are, indeed, dead. 

So, this is a "fact," huh? Where's the evidence? Show me the dead contributors. SHOW ME THE BODIES.

The killer is usually an anonymous wiki contributor, who might leave a message on the victim's talk page, but usually doesn't. After about a year of background checks on the person, they'll take over the victim's wiki identity.

What? Why?

I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. Again, those two words. NO SENSE. Why would somebody take over another's wiki page by killing them? Wasn't the point of this article to explain why people no longer post? How can that be if their identities are stolen after they are killed? That would imply that they still post, and nobody would be the wiser. Right?

What is the point of the story?

Usually there are excuses, like how they got caught up in real life, or they got caught up in school, or they simply forgot about the wiki.

All valid excuses that non-crazy people would probably understand and accept. It's better to accept those explanations than jumping to the conclusions of identity-stealing theoretical murderers targeting wiki contributors that stop posting. Or whatever this story is trying to say.

Sometimes, those who have rage-quit a wiki will even be selected, as people who quit an internet community are prone to return. Now, these are, indeed, valid excuses. After all, they could be telling the truth. But some things cannot be found from the background checks – like, for example, chats on IRCs that only two people would know about, or phone calls, which aren't recorded.

What does that have to do with anything? Maybe it could be the people RETURNING after a HIATUS. Why does murder have to be involved? Why is the most outlandish solution the realistic and scary one? 

WIKI NO SENSE!

So next time one of your wiki-friends starts acting odd, next time it coincides with the anniversary of a death, well, who knows? They might be a wiki contributor.

WHAT!?

No, seriously, what? That doesn't even make any sense. What is that implying? Whose death anniversary are we talking about here? Abraham Lincoln? Pharaoh Ramses II, Jesus, David Carradine? The death of another wiki contributor? The death of an article? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Man, I'm so freaking confused. This article. This FOUR STAR article, mind you. It makes no actual sense. It implies crazy things, and mostly makes no sense. NO SENSE.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Sassy Creepypasta Review for the Ages: Facebook Girl and Her Smileys of Doom


So, readers, it's been a good long while. I have to say I'm sorry about that. The Geez and I have both been incredibly busy, but I'm quickly back to do a nice and easy, wonderfully fun piece of something that might be called bad fanfiction. Hell, it could just be bad fiction to be honest, but who really gives a rat's ass at this point, huh? I should be flitting in and out of here posting things occasionally. I can't make promises because I work basically all the time, but I'm going to try to post a few times a month from now on. No way am I letting this thing go dormant for months again. That's simply not my style.

Anyway, getting down to the business at hand. Creepypasta. Most of it is terrible. I'm going to be looking at one today that is not so good. I mean, it's also not the worst thing ever, but I found it silly, especially when it's trying to be scary, that means it's failed on a fundamental level. Without further ado, I introduce "Facebook Girl" by an Anonymous person who I've tried to find the name of but come up empty anyway. It's probably better that the person is Anonymous. I wouldn't want to be associated with this.

So it was the start of year 10, I'm in an English school so our education system is a bit weird, 

Weird to whom? Weird to you? How can it be weird to you when it's your system? This is intriguing. I kind of want to know why this person thinks that the education system is weird because he/she is in an English school.

And that sentence should end with a period, but I seriously do not have the energy to correct every grammar mistake here. It would takes eons.

anyway I was put in set 2, the middle set and yet again I had no friends in there,

? What does that even mean? I'm sure it makes sense to someone, but I'm at a loss.

but there was this new girl, she was fairly pretty, she had brown/blonde hair tied up at the back, she wasn't exactly fat but she wasn't slim either. So we were waiting a few minutes to go into the lesson and she approached me and said "Hey." not in a kind of greeting way, but a way that you would casually talk to someone you know, so I simply replied, "I'm sorry, but do I know you?"

That's actually kind of rude, dude. Talk to the girl. You say you had no friends there, and she's being friendly. Stop being a dick and just chill out.

The girl giggled and walked off

Period.

I had a feeling that it was maybe someone from the internet some how but I had never seen her face before.

What? Uh, what? Does that mean something I don't know yet? Do people from the internet randomly stalk you? You said she was a new girl. While she may very well be on the internet, how the heck is she from the internet to you? I'm lost.

When we got in the lesson I noticed that my phone went off, It was on silent so nobody had heard it, I took it out and noticed that I had a message off someone I didn't know, it just so happened to be that girl from earlier, her name was Ellie Plyth, she sent me a message saying "Hey" again and I replied, "How did you get my Facebook?"

I just started laughing and couldn't stop. What even is this bullshit? He didn't know who the person who texted him was. He said that very clearly. Then suddenly he knows exactly who it is even by her full fucking name? How does that even work? You don't just say you have no idea than the next second you know everything. That's actually idiotic.

She didn't answer, but kept spamming me with random bullshit it was all just a load of nonsense like "I had a brother who was the US president" and shit like that, 

Yeah, I'm sure her brother was Tricky Dick Nixon...

...

I kind of want to believe that now.

at the end of the lesson I turned off my phone and went to break as usual, I found my friends and we just went to the Cafeteria 

PROPER FUCKING NOUNED CAFETERIA

like most days, I told them about what had happened and they said "What's up with her profile picture?" which I noticed was extremely odd, she was doing some kind of weird face with her eyes huge and her mouth wide open, but she had set it to a contrast which made it black and white, but it was so contrasted it actually started too look scary.

Yes, you can probably do that in MSPaint, my friend. It was probably done for effect. Stop being a baby. It's only Facebook. You can probably block people on there.

I went to my next lesson which was English, 

Which I still haven't mastered because I don't know what a period is.

the spamming continued so I decided to turn my phone off. At the end of the day when we were walking home, I felt someone or something was following me and the rest of us, 

Good Lord, dude! Period, okay? Stop running with the sentences.

when I eventually got home I went on the computer like I would usually, but I went on Facebook.

Also like I would usually. Not sure why "but" is there.

I had 43 messages all from this Ellie girl 

Period. Sentence ends here.

the last few said, "Oh you like this girl hmm, she wont be here for long :D" 

At least she's friendly, unlike some people I can mention who blow nice girls who say "Hey," off. I mean look at that smiley. You don't get smileys like that from bad people.

she must of noticed that I was talking to a certain girl, who I admit I did like, but I replied saying, "Please stop fucking spamming me with all this crap just go away!" and then I blocked her.

Thank you! Finally.

That night, I went to bed and in the morning I went to school as usual, I was going to confront Ellie but in the morning we had an assembly, we all found out that the Girl

THE FUCKING GIRL WHO NEEDS A PROPER GODDAMN NOUN NAME

I liked had been murdered, brutally it was apparently only done with scissors, and the police were there, they needed to find a Culprit,

PROPER FUCKING NOUN CULPRIT

I didn't dare tell her about the Ellie girl, I was going to but for some reason, I couldn't manage to do it, every time I tried I just felt awfully sick until I backed off.

So, that whole paragraph is one huge run-on sentence with bad sentence structure, grammatical errors, and a phantom her whom I believe represents the entirety of the police department. Why they are collectively referred to as "her" I'll never know.

As I got home this day

Not that day. What do you think I am, in fucking English school?

I was pretty upset, I knew this girl I liked very well, so I got on the computer again

So, let me get this straight. You went on the computer again because you knew the girl you liked very well. That was your purpose for going onto the computer. I just want to make sure I understand.

I noticed this Ellie girl had added me through Skype and it for some reason accepted,

PHANTOM SKYPE ACCEPTANCE BOW TO THE SKYPE

I grew scared, it had the same picture and again 43 messages, this time it was, "Your friends seem nice, it would be awful if something happened to them >:)"

Such a friendly young lady! Man, I wish girls would give me happy smiley faces like that. I'd be hella excited.

I told her to not do it and that she could please just leave them, but of course the next day, they had all been brutally murdered,

All of them? Were they imaginary friends?

I was devastated, I grew depressed and started cutting myself, my life was absolutely awful at this point, and I still couldn't bring myself to tell on her, I got messages from her again saying:

Even though you believe she murdered everyone you cared about. Man, you have some issues. Just show the police the messages. I'm sure a young girl would have left fingerprints or some evidence behind. Or her mother would notice the bloodstains on her clothes after she came home after curfew.

"I love you so much, I'd do anything for you my love! <3"

A goddamn heart? Come on, dude. No chick writes a goddamn heart unless she's the least crazy girl out there. She simply cannot be murdering people if she writes a heart on your Facebook or Skype or whatever.

I told her that I knew she was causing these murders and that I would bring her in

Because I'm a loose cannon, and I don't play by the rules. Got it, sister?

but then she replied, "Oh so you don't like the murders :( I only did them for you! I hate you!"

You made her upset. I hope you're proud of yourself, you dirtbag.

That night I went to bed, I felt that sickness again but it was worse, I also felt a crude sense of Paranoia,

PROPER NOUN PARANOIA WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS

I couldn't sleep properly, but I eventually passed out,

So, you could wholly sleep properly then.

I woke up to the sound of dripping, I was in some kind of dark place, and there she was with the same face as her profile picture but this time her eyes were black and she had mascara that had been smudged and ruined,

So, she's an emo? Or is that an emu. I can never remember...

she simply explained, "Goodnight my love..." And she pulled out a small knife she began carving away at my face and before I knew it.... I woke up, it was all a dream, It was still the first day of year 10 I was safe, I went to check my Facebook.... 43 messages....

Holy crap, a young person has Facebook messages! That's insane!

So, that was rough. That was pretty freaking rough. not the worst thing I've read, but certainly not the best.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Podcast!?

Hey! Cgeez and I did a podcast thing! FIND IT HERE. And here is the direct download link. We had a good time putting this one together, although it is a week or two old at this point. Finding the time to edit has been a bitch-and-a-half, let me tell you. We have some more already recorded, mostly weird fanfictiony awful.

...?

That sentence made no sense in any reality. We recorded ourselves reading bad fanfiction and sometimes talking about, analyzing it and whatnot. We have at least three of those that simply need to be edited. I have no timescale for when these things will come out. I'll judge it all by interest and downloads at this point. Anyway, give it a listen if you are interested. We talk about our apprehension about Homestuck, how good Adventure Time is, cosplay and jerks, and relationship and woman issues. (No, not those kinds of issues, weirdo.)

And yeah. We had a good time. I had less of a good time editing it, but that's something I'll need to work on. Hopefully it isn't too embarrassing.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Its Dismisted: Futurama Has the Best Fanfictions

Hey, everybody! Saquarry is here to lead you through the world of TOMORROW!

Look, I love this show. It is one of my favorite shows of all time. I grew up with it. It is brilliant in every single way. That's all you need to know about my thoughts about Futurama. After the news that Futurama is yet again being cancelled, I felt a strong desire to review a few Futurama fanfics. Now, I don't want to review anything too awful today (mostly because I couldn't find anything incredibly bad, or even really painful to read). So, I'm going to do something a little different.

I will be looking at a few different fanfics: some interesting, some different, some with issues, certainly, and some absolutely worth something. I know I'm usually pretty cynical and jaded about the writers that are featured on here. Hell, there are times when I can be downright nasty. But some fanfictions are deserving of both time and praise. Some are not horrid. And some can even *gasp* be good!

I started this blog as a response to the bad fanfictions, but sometimes my heart (three sizes too small) claws out of me and starts writing on its own. It wants to show that there are some fanfictions worth everything. Some can be brilliant. Some can be amazing. And some can be really silly. The three I have featured today are all rated M, and none of them deserve to be. They are all brilliant, with no hints of graphic depictions of sex, violence, or the like. That's not why they're good, but it certainly doesn't hurt either.

My thoughts, suggestions, and fixes will be in black. The fanfics will be in blue. Anything else will be in red.

We'll be starting with the two chapter "Darker, Darker" brought to us by El Cuero.

This gorgeous realistic Leela is brought to us by frankreyes.
Darker, Darker


Part I

Dark city streets. A smog choked sky. And the lights. Oh, the lights. Glowing, screaming. The neon symbol of an era doomed. Signs that sell love, signs that sell lust. Mankind's most primal desires boomed at him in shining Technicolor.

Sex!

Flesh!

Fast cars!

Not necessarily in that order. In a time when the sin of humanity must be spelled out merely to make it's 

"its"

existence known in a dying world, who was safe? Ax anyone, they'll tell you they're scared. And why wouldn't they be? Earth is a planet where no where 

"nowhere"

That's a baffling misspelling.

is free from man's poisonous influences. Life and death are blurred when sheer nature is swiftly being replaced by technology. As it's 

"its"

mother rots beneath it, New New York is a primordial lake of the damned, screaming their maddened cries, which are quick to fall mute amongst the rest. One writhing insect amongst a million. All the while the lights, uncaring and tempting, glow in the haze of the hot blooded night.

Despite the few mistakes, I like this one a lot right now. It has some purple prose, but I can get behind that.

"Oh, the lights." sighed Leela observing her homeworld from her apartment window in a tired, sorry state.

The days had grown worse for her, in the land where she never truly felt belonging. Work was hard and unceasing. Insomnia had begun to set in, bringing with it mood swings and her newfound nihilism. Her regular cynicism had developed into an uncaring, unforgiving phase which she did not recognize herself slip into. Night seemed to last forever in the grip of her insomnia. In fact, her sleep deprivation was eroding her ability to think straight, making the former confident captain a vague shadow of her former self.

Insomnia. Insomnia. Insomnia.

She repeated the word again and again, slipping in and out of consciousness without realizing it or even giving a thought to how the time was passing. Each night became a never-ending quest to sleep, to remove herself from this disturbing state of mind and enter a world where all was black and gone. Or perhaps now, her vision had skewered. She feared she was giving way to her poisoned minds 

Use the possessive here: "mind's."

dark wish, and was viewing the world in a way so foul she wished to sleep simply to rid herself of it.

She could no longer tell whether she was thinking this in her sleep or as she lay by her window, awake. In a world she was now a stranger too, 

"to"

how could she possibly tell reality from dream?

A strand of purple hair fell across her unblinking eye. She stared at it, sensing something was not right. Her suspicions were confirmed as the hair liquefied in front of her, spreading out into a pool of rot and snaking towards her as some living liquid. As it grew it puffed out, evolving into a gruesome organism. The skin blackened, and the face was a pincushion of horns. The horrible serpent groaned in a pained way, as though contemplating the agony of it's 

"its"

own existence. She tried to move, but could not. No sound escaped her lips, but for a soft moan. With horror she felt her scalp sting the liquid trickled off and slither to face her, hissing in a manner most grotesque.

"Delectable", it whispered without lips, each word spilling froth from what could only be called gills in it's 

"its"

sides, "A fine specimen. Let us indulge the creature with thy touch."

Screaming in her mind Leela could only lay there in terror as the creature slid down her throat and explored her innards, finding it's 

"its"

Look, at least there's consistency with the wrong use of "it's."

way up her brain stem. Taking over her mind. A physical remainder of her insomnia. Her insomnia, taking her over. Draggin' her down a dark vortex, the light at it's 

"its"

"Its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is."

Stop using "it's" as a possessive. It is not one.

opening growing dimmer, and dimmer.

"No!" shrieked Leela, leaping bolt upright out of bed. She was greeted with silence, save Nibblers 

"Nibbler's"

quiet snores. A cursory glance out the window proved it was morning. Turning to the television she realized she had left it on all night. A black and white screen informed her that she was watching "THE OUTER LIMITSin which Robert Culp is physically transformed by 'The Architects of Fear!'"

She flicked the TV off and sighed. She could barely find her footing as she stood up out of bed, and twice she nearly walked into the walls. Each night's insomniac hell was taking it's 

"its"

It's going to keep happening, and I'm going to keep pointing it out.

toll on her mentally.

Outside was a world she despised, within her came fear. Fear of what could become of her if she did not cure her illness soon.

The sun shone blood red through the black smog, and the lights below were switched off for another day.

Wow, this is a rare feat. This is a very well-written fanfiction. I'm impressed. While there is no real story to speak of, the imagery is well done, the grammar well-written (for the most part), and the characterization believable. My complaints should be obvious. 

El Cuero, I'm taking you seriously as a writer, but please figure out what possessives are and fix your mistakes once you do. It's maddening to know that as good a writer as yourself has made such rookie mistakes.

Anyway, on to Part II!

Darker, Darker

Part II

Sy'relh9. A fearful planet. A planet that was ominous no matter how you observed it.

I'm not feeling this sentence. It doesn't fit with the tone of Part I.

A planet where black rock rose into huge pinnacles, like pointed dark towers. Where a dark mist shrouded the base of the rock towers completely. The only breathable air contained in a cavern underground. The Sy'lehhk cavern. Haunt of the Nygh, a devout religious folk known for their occult rituals and fascination with the texts of Bolef. Leela was not familiar with the writings of Bolef, and could not care less about the Nygh and their madness. But as she strode beneath the pinnacles of Sy'relh9 with Fry following in her midst, Leela could not help but feel fear tingle at the back of her neck and creep down her spine. She could not deny that the towering stone pinnacles gave her the sense of being tiny and insignificant in this untamed world, and by extension, the universe. She was just one of billions of ants, all crawling between the cracks, no individual seeing the bigger picture. If one even existed. End game? What end game? Insert another coin and keep on playing. The game goes on, man! The game goes on and on!

This paragraph is both overlong and of questionable quality. While the story it is telling is perfectly acceptable, the writing seems to have a marked decrease in quality from Part I so far. It seems both more casual and less intense.

"Oh God," she said aloud, like a woman possessed, "such dark thoughts."

Leela doesn't sound much like Leela here.

Fry's voice echoed from the mist behind her.

"Leela?"

Fry was carrying on his shoulders a crate of Lief herb and typically, Leela would be more than happy to hear the sound of his voice. 

She- she would? Huh-what?

But without sleep and without patience, every word he spoke became an annoyance. 

Isn't that normal? Even while they're dating?

She did not answer him, hoping that if she were to ignore him, he would desist. He did not.

He's Fry. He doesn't know the meaning of "not being annoying."

"Leela?" he called again, voice muffled from within the helmet needed to survive outside in Sy'relh9's poisonous atmosphere.

"What?" she replied with a forced tone of calm.

"You said something back there, didn't you?"

Controlling her irritation she replied in the same calm tone.

"No, haven't said a word."

Yet still he persisted.

"If you say so."

Leela did not respond. The opening to the cavern was close. A deep chasm, the descent was lit only
by primitive wax candles lining the inner walls. Elaborate carvings along the walls depicted leviathans and colossi rising from the ocean, like the titans of Greek myth. Descending unto the pit was surreal, like a nightmare of falling, with no end in sight. Behind her came the soft thud of Fry's footprints,

No. "Footprints" is not the correct term. "Footsteps" may be appropriate, but "footprints" make no sense here in context.

the only reminder that she was not isolated in this strange world. As the mist around him dissolved into nothingness, Fry tentatively removed his helmet. Leela did the same upon hearing Fry inhale.

Uh... Leela? This is Fry. You shouldn't follow his lead. He is a moron.

"The only air on the planet," Leela grinned broadly, the ability to breathe naturally lifting some of her fear and sour mood, "Suck it up, Fry!"

"Maybe once I've got this weight offa' my shoulders." he muttered, straining under the crates 

POSSESSIVES!

mass.

The deep slope led to a place that was miserable and sick. Homes were crudely built huts of stone, and livestock lay, barely breathing, on their sides. The base of the caverns carried on for a long way, and perhaps five hundred stone huts stood, barely room enough between each to walk through, with not a soul in sight. The altar at the town center was where they had been told to place the crate. They were required to leave as soon as possible thereafter.

"Well," groaned Fry, dropping the crate onto the altar's stone base, "This is kinda' creepy."

Leela nodded in silent agreement. Occasionally she thought she heard a whisper, or saw the flicker of movement out of the corner of her eye, but surely she was mistaken?

"Let's go."

Leela turned to face Fry. His voice was strange, and upon seeing his face she noticed something wrong. A fear in his eyes.

She placed a palm on his cheek.

"It's alright. We're going home."

She turned, only to come face to face with a sneering she-devil. Leela became paralyzed in shock. The old Lady was nude, with deep cuts across her skin and wounds within the flesh of her skull. One eye was milky white like marble. The other left only an empty socket. Her sneer contorted into a grotesque grin and she grabbed Leela by the shoulders, speaking in the voice of a reptile.

"No sleep! No sleep!", she sang,"The girl gets no sleep. Little one eye. Little girl, all alone and afraid. Afraid of the world, afraid to sleep. Afraid of herself."

I think I've had this happen to me during one of my own bouts of insomnia...

Leela opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out.

"Little girl, no sleep. The drugs don't work do they, little girl? They do not put little girl to sleep, do they?"

Leela slapped the woman's hand away and rose up.

"Do not call me a little girl."

The woman merely snorted.

"But you are a little girl. Little girl, no sleep. I see things. Inside you. Inside your soul."

Leela slumped back down, hypnotized by the womans

PO-SESS-IVES.

voice, absorbing her words and unable to deny them.

"You have something inside you. Inside your soul. Another little girl. But not a silly little girl like you. Nasty girl. Wicked girl. A beast, deep within you, darker, darker. Darker, darker."

Mouth agape in astonishment Leela registered only barely the feeling of being grabbed by Fry, and dragged running. As they ran together the woman's voice grew into a high pitched wail.

"Darker! Darker! Darker! Darker!"

Okay, this is slightly creepy.


"Fry, am I different?"


The ship was now light years away from that hideous world and the godforsaken cave. Neon galaxies zoomed past at impossible speeds as the ship shot towards Earth.

"Yes." Fry answered honestly, looking Leela in the eye.

She was taken aback, her earlier irritations replaced with an all-devouring fear.

"Fry, have I hurt you at all?"

A painful lump emerged in Fry's throat as he fought back tears.

"You drift off into this 

"these"?

fantasy worlds, you, you get mad for no reason at all. You scare me Leela."

An awful, overwhelming silence engulfed the room. Leela's eye became red with tears, and she placed a hand gently on Fry's chest. Tears trickled down his cheeks and hit the metal floor with echoing clinks. Leela spoke softly.

"I will get better. I will sleep tonight. And when we wake up, everything will be different."

She wrapped her arms around him, and responded by doing the same, resting his head on her shoulder.

"You don't need to be scared anymore."

Awwww

Now, despite my best efforts to be a cynical bastard, I can't be with "Darker, Darker." While it may not perfectly capture the dialogue of the show (or the tone), it does a good job at being its own separate thing. It is well done for the most part. While I have some gripes about the overall fanfiction, the story, the quickness of it, etc., I can't deny that this is fairly well written and easily the best fanfiction I HAVE EVER READ.

Full disclosure: I was looking for something good under a "Mature" or "Adult" tag on purpose, just to see if I could. The fact of the matter is, I found very few bad ones worthy of any notes, and found some amazing ones to feature instead. 

I chose this one because I actually enjoyed reading it, and I really wish the author had written more. Again, it is not perfect, and some of the worst fanfictions I have read have contained much better grammar and understanding of the use of possessives. That should not discourage you, El Cuero! You have a great mind for storytelling, especially with your wondrous uses of imagery and description. Taking a mostly silly show like Futurama and giving it a darker spin is both clever and ingenuous.

I have to both recommend you as an author (provided you improved the grammar and would be willing to write things out more fully) and recommend this story as something I can hold up in high regard. Thank you for writing something that was actually worth my time.

Now, I would like to share one more thing about El Cuero. It is their bio-thing on fanfiction.net: I am the El Cuero. Lovecraftian horror spins it's wicked webs through all my work, as well as my mind. I am insane and most hate Fan Fiction, including my own. The work on this site is some of my worst and I do not endorse reading it or getting within three feet of it. 

I hate most fanfiction too. But yours is good enough for me to not only not hate, but to actually endorse. So, don't hate your writing too much! You're not awful in the slightest (at least with this fanfiction. I mean, I guess if you wrote some hardcore, weird tentacle Bender porn, then we would have some problems.)

And now, for an uninterrupted fanfic. I will cease writing now except to introduce coldangel omega (or coldangel1) and "The Morning."

By Avatarium.

The Morning


A short Futurama fan-fiction by coldangel1

I awake through layers. Warmth, then softness, and inevitably the intrusion of light, pale and fresh, that lances across the city into my spartan room, to fall upon my bed, upon me… upon the person that lies beside me.
My eye opens wide in realization of that presence alongside; that unfamiliar pressure weighing down one side this bed I never share with anyone. My breath catches.

Who?

I look slowly across the sheet at the familiar face, eyes closed; the crooked nose and quaint overbite. He has a corner of my pillow in his mouth, chewing it absently as he slumbers, and at another time I might have found that amusing or endearing. But instead my heart hammers.

What happened? Oh Lord, what did I do?

Gently, so as not to wake him, I peel the cover up to confirm my suspicion. My nakedness glares up at me accusingly, as does his; our bare skin, soft and pink, side by side… in my bed. The warm tingle of fulfilment in my nethers and the fingernail marks upon his flesh both offer further verification.

What have I done?

Memory begins to glitter on the tiles of my mind like the fragments of a shattered vase. The pieces slowly begin to reassemble. There was the opera, the cybernetic Satan… the hands. He gave up the hands for me. I remained; when everyone else left, I stayed with him – his innocent gratitude had shone from his face, but it wasn't a favour – I wanted to stay. Images fall into place; I remember the simple and beautiful piece he played – he and I, together. And although my conflicted mind recoiled from that brazen outpouring of devotion, I could not help but clasp my hands to my breast and weep in joy… in love.

No, not love… Don't think that…

I look across at his sleeping form again; the unpretentious lines of his face speak of candid honesty. No capacity for untruth could be fathomed.

I have one eye. The world to me is flat planes without depth; when I see a person I know intuitively that there is something missing from the image, hidden dimensions beyond my perception, always something more… just out of reach. But not with him… I sense that I see him as he really is. Of course he can't be a two-dimensional cartoon, but I know that what I see is all there is – there are no hidden agendas or nasty surprises lurking behind corners of his soul. Everything is there, laid flat, laid bare. He is what he is… and after living through deceit after betrayal after deception, that blameless simplicity is like a pitcher of crystalline water in the desert.

So why am I afraid?

More memory. After the opera… we walked together, hand in hand, in companionable silence. I was comfortable, content… and, despite his audience's response, he seemed to be as well. He seemed happy, happier than I'd seen him in a long time. An image flashes in my mind's eye – myself reaching up to loosen his bowtie for him… before leading him toward a quiet bar for a celebratory drink. Just him and I…
We got drunk, I realize, chewing my bottom lip. We got drunk and came back here and then… and then…

I slept with Fry.

"Oh no," I whisper to myself, and at the sound he stirs beside me, mumbling something about grasshoppers and acorns in his sleep. I watch him closely, and more images from last night fall into place – his lips pressed against mine, his body pressing against mine… and me pressing back, just as hungrily; breathless and encouraging… wanting. I remember myself yielding to him willingly and the look of dazed joy upon his face as I called out his name; I remember the feeling of him inside me…

I close my eye. Not in shame – for I am not ashamed. Not in repulsion – for he does not repulse me (far from it). But in anguish… anguish for the pain I will cause him. For the best part of four years I have evaded his advances, pushing him away gently… and not so gently… encouraging him to move on. But now, to lose my resolve and open my apartment, legs, and heart to him… how can I now expect him to accept my inevitable rejection; the brush-off, the 'let's be friends' speech? I can't – it isn't fair, he doesn't deserve it. Last night was selfish; I wanted something and I took it, in a moment, detached from all consideration of the future 

I allowed our desire to rule us and now he will think that we…

…No, that can't happen.

I cannot be with him, I know that. I've always known it. For all his openness and loyalty, he is unambitious, unintelligent, unhygienic, unscrupulous, unmotivated, un... everything. He can't provide for me, be a husband… or a father…

But still…

I might consider slipping away if I wasn't in my own house. Perhaps I could leave for work… but today is Sunday. Beside me Fry mumbles and turns over onto his back, his foppish orange hair falling in tangles. He will be awake soon, I realize as I stare sidelong at him, and there will be no time to stall, to ponder delicate evasions.

I should get dressed, but as I begin to gently slide from the bed I hear him murmur my name, and I stop as my heart threatens to break. How can I do this to him? How can I keep hurting someone I love?

Love… again, that word.

I look back and he is still asleep, peaceful and happy. My best friend in all the Universe, the man who opened my eye to the world and made me a whole person, the man who would die for me a thousand times over. He is an extratemporal anachronism, unlike anybody I've ever known, and his friendship means more to me than life itself. Perhaps that's the real reason I refuse to commit to him… romance to me is associated with a long chain of disappointment and heartache, nothing like the connection I share with him. It's so different… something pure and wonderful, and I shrink in terror at the idea of changing it, of making him another lover who will hurt me, haunt me, who I will never want to see again.

But he wouldn't do that…

How do I know for sure?

Because he's Fry.

A confusing swarm of contradictions, fears and desires, swim through my mind. I sit up and run my hands through my hair, no longer consciously perturbed by my nakedness or the telling sensation of completion between my thighs. What the hell is it that I really want?

Stability, of course.

A desire for things to stay the same. That's just fear of change, the fear of loss. But I fear nothing… at least I don't think I do… and I know that there can be no gain without risk. But is this risk too great? What if I lose him, my friend whom I love, this man around whom I have built walls of excuses and judgements to keep insulated from the inner sanctum of my heart?

I can't…

I can't lose him. I'd die if I lost him…

But I won't. Except by my own actions.

My eye widens at that thought. Of course… he would never leave me. No matter what happened. It's Fry after all.

So what's the problem?

Good question. Through all the years and all the hurt, my defences have become autonomous subroutines, operating independently without input or consent. And it's been so easy for me to pretend a justification exists, to make such shallow superficial excuses and maintain the quiet comfortable status-quo.
At the end of it all, I see the truth of the matter finally and completely – I am a coward.

"Leela?"

I gasp in surprise and turn to face him, forgetting to cover my bosom (there would be little point now). He is awake, propped up on his elbows, watching me with worried eyes. He sees my conflict and fear, and he knows what's going on in my mind… but he isn't offended or annoyed, only concerned for me. I love him all the more for that.

"Are you okay?" he asks softly, and at last I realize that I am. I really am.

I nod and smile, feeling a tremendous weight detach from my soul. "Yeah," I murmur. "I'm very okay." There will be no more hiding, no more fear.

"You don't… regret this?" Fry asks with nervous restraint that I find adorable.

"For a moment I thought I did," I admit truthfully. "But then I realized something…"

"What's that?"

"That I'm an idiot." My smile widens and I lean close to him. He grins sheepishly and encircles me with his arms.

"So," he whispers, "happily ever after?"

I answer him with a kiss.

END.

Well, that was all kinds of gorgeous. Hell, it's practically canon. Look, I don't often say things like this, but that was superb. Coldangel1/omega, you have a talent for taking two breathtaking characters and fleshing them out even further. I don't even care about the ship or anything like that. I simply enjoyed the writing, your take on the characters, on Leela, and on how poignant a silly cartoon about the future truly can be when put in the right writer's hands. Please, continue to be as awesome as this fanfiction shows that you can be.

And... 

Okay. We've come to it. The final fanfiction. Of course, I can't go out on anything other than something... uh... not so great, I guess? It's not the worst thing ever though, so our positive feelings about Futurama fanfic writers shall continue on ad infinitum.

This is "The wierdest of the wierd" by Kyle curse.

This is how I picture Kyle curse.
This is my first story for Fanfiction. Im might not be that good at Comedy and Romance but i hope you like it.

Kyle curse, as long as this doesn't involve necrophilia, rape, graphic and unrealistic depiction of sex and violence, sex of minors, incest, or a twelve year old trying to write actual porn and being proud of that accomplishment, I think I'll like it. Actually, me picturing you as that adorable dog up there makes me like this fanfiction so much more in hindsight. 


Chapter 1: The dilivery.

Hmmm. I think you might have spelled "delivery" incorrectly.

(Also, there is no Chapter 2. I don't know if I can live my life with this kind of cliff-hanger.)

This story starts at the P.E quarters.

Profeser:

I- I seem to be seeing some kind of... spelling error...?

"Good news who the hell you all are. You will all dilivering to Mato 4."

Fry: "Why do we need to diliver a bag of crap?"

Profeser: "Your not not bender but leela is."

Wait.

"Your not not bender but leela is."

One more time?

"Your not not bender but leela is."

Okay, just needed to get that off of my chest. I think the "Profeser" just called Fry "not bender," but... well, but nothing. That's what just happened to the best of my understanding.

Leela: "What! Profeser. I cant diliver all by myself."

"Leela, stop your complaining! Your going to diliver these packages!"

Profeser: "Well now you can. Fry you are teaching 30 dilivery boys."

Fry: "What! Why?"

My thoughts exactly. Fry is a known moron. Why would he teach anybody?

Profeser: "And bender. you are baby sitting a talking cute teddy bear called Jo."

Bender: "Why!"

Profeser: "... Off you go and do the work."

I like how the "Profeser" ignored them all.

Fry is now at the lounge teaching the students." <--Errant quotation mark.

Fry:" Well im your new teacher for the rest of your schooling. I name is Mr F but you can call me Fry."

"I name is Mr F..."

I think... I think I love this fanfic.

The students were very angry and sad exept one boy who was exited.

He was exited so fast.

Fry:"Well our first rule of dilivery boys is to never get tips."

One hour later...

Bender While banging the door :"Fry open this door now im dying to wacth T.V."

Fry:" Ok Class dismisted.You may go home now."

I now have a new favorite word.

All of the students ran out exept the exited boy.

He was entranced.





Ba-dum-tish.

Boy:" HelloMr Fryi need help with my rules."

Fry:"Ok the first rul..." Got interupted

Is that like Girl, Interrupted?

Boy: "Ok but... I...like you."

Fry:" Well thanks but what way do you meancause i dont know what what your sayin."

Boy: "I like you"

"I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something." Fry thought.

Fry:" Ok. Just go home."

"Get out of here, kid. I want nothing to do with you even though I have no problem with you liking me." 

This is an amazing dialogue.

Bender breaks the door douwn and jumps on the couch and wacthes T.V.

Bender: "How was your first day of school Fry."

Fry: "Well... A kid likes me. But what does that mean?"

Bender:" What! Thats the worst thing. The kidd loves you!."

No, he clearly stated "like," Bender. You are jumping to conclusions.

Fry paused for a minut and bender jumps out of the couch.

Bender:"Fry is Gay Fry is Gay hahahahahahaha!"

"Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Bender screamed a second later.

Leela comes in.

Leela:"Whats going on?"

Bender:" Fry has a new boyfriend "

Fry:"What no i dont. Theres a kid in my class that likes me, but i dont like him."

"Which is easily seen by me telling him to get lost."

Leela:"Ohh sparks, I cant wait tilli write this in my secret diary."

Cliff-hanger! What will happen nex- oh. Right. There is no Chapter 2.

And I wanted to know where that errant quotation mark's Sancho Panza was! Darn it!

Anyway, that one was fun too. Rated M. I expect it's because- no, you know what? I have no idea. Maybe the idea of one possibly having a gay person hit on them is considered mature these days. Or maybe- just maybe- Kyle curse is slightly confused.

But you know what? That's okay. I was neither offended by the content nor by the horrid spelling and grammar. While it was no picnic to read, I will say it's still a billion times better than a well-written necrophilia fanfic. I enjoyed it, and if that's the worst Futurama has to offer, than we're going to come back to these whenever I'm feeling down from now on.