HK-47 Uses Bastila as a Computer Port in "Mauling the Meatbag"

Oh boy, I guess I should introduce myself and state for the record what I'm doing here. I'm Saquarry. You can also call me Justin if you're feeling nice and I'm feeling generous. I'm a guy in my mid-20s. I'm a writer, a blogger, and have something seriously wrong with me. Somehow, somewhere, I decided it would be a good idea to analyze and critique fanfictions. Oh, I'll make fun of these suckers too. All of the ones I'll post on here deserve it, but heaven help me, this isn't going to be easy.

So, just as a disclaimer, this is all about fair use. I'm posting these stories to critique, analyze, and use them for my own comedic purposes. Most of these are downright wrong, either full of some of the worst writing you will ever see, or some of the most messed up content you could possibly find. These are usually going to be VERY MATURE fanfictions, thus the age restriction. I am scouring the internet for these things, and if you have any you'd like to recommend, just let me know. I'll give anything a chance, but will probably stay focused on the fiction and stories I kind of have some basic knowledge of. Then again, nothing is sacred, and I'm willing to lose my mind for other people's enjoyment.

I also just want to call out the ridiculousness of hardcore fanfictions that let the story be used fast and loose, characters and everything else be damned. Sex does not work the way most fanfiction writers think it does. Women are not sex objects and should not be treated as such. And knowing porn is not a good substitute for knowing what sex is or how it works.

I'll always put the story in blue (or any other color I feel like). My comments will always be in black.

Anyway, to start this crazy, crazy ride off, let's begin with Kooriv, a writer of smutty Star Wars fuckfics. This particular one is called "Mauling the Meatbag," is based on the censored picture above of the same name by erotic fanartist Shabby Blue, and involves Bastila Shan and HK-47 of the video game Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic also known as KotOR. These two characters, although both party members of the player character, never have any actual interactions within the plot, and are about as far away from one another idealogy-wise as two characters can possibly get.

Bastila is a young, stubborn Jedi who follows the code of the Jedi incredibly strictly. The Jedi precepts say things to the effect of they cannot feel any passion. She explains, in platitudes throughout the game, to the player character that emotions or passions can lead to the dark side of the Force. Now, this is all fine and good. She is a character who is essentially "innocent" and untouched. She would have never had the chance to have sex, kiss, or do any of the other physical things required for passion. Again, she's naive. She's a Jedi in every sense of that word. One of her defining moments in game, to a male player character also romancing her is to kiss him then run away, scared of the consequences of losing herself to passion. And this is only a single kiss.

HK-47 is an assassination droid who holds no intrinsic value to life. He is essentially the most evil character in the game, used as a soulless killing machine who has no good emotions to fall back upon.

Remember these things, and these characterizations as they are thrown out of the window to make these two characters have sex. It's not even violent sex, just weird pornography sex. It's a soulless fanfiction (Or fuckfic, as I'll refer to it as.). There is nothing in here of value. The writing, although never the worst thing, also never rises to anything better than poorly written porn video. It's never stimulating or arousing, with halted language and explanations about things anybody reading this should already know.

Now, I have no idea why this was written. I guess somebody might have a droidildo fetish, a cold metal fetish, or just wanted to put themselves in the head of HK fucking Bastila. It could have been for the express purpose of a person who wanted to see HK and Bastila fuck, but then why the passionless descriptions? Nobody's getting off to this sterile porn. And the real problem is that they seemed to take pages out of different porn stars' books. If it were the case that Kooriv essentially wanted HK and Bastila to fuck like rabbits, then why change their characters so completely to make it happen?

Look, this is essentially action figures clacking together with porn noises in the background as a computer defines sex terribly. That's the best description of this fuckfic I can think of.

Anyway, let's get this partay started.

The expertly-crafted assassination droid HK-47 stalked through the hallways of the Ebon Hawk, his algorithm processors circulating restlessly, and he felt the need to cradle his blaster rifle to his chest plate. It was an unusual sensation that had been running through his computer core since finding himself in the clumsy grip of the fool Ithorian on Tatooine. Having left that dustbowl world behind only scant hours ago, HK-47 had been unable to compute the feeling that something about his existence was missing.

Well, this is already starting off promising. The first sentence just keeps going after it should have finished. A comma that should have been a period sits there helplessly with an "and" trailing behind it. So sad.

I should also mention that I have no idea if some of the writing is sort of from HK's view or not, but I doubt the droid would call Tatooine a "dustbowl world." Also, just to reiterate: HK-47 is a droid. I'm not quite certain how he can feel, but I guess I just have to accept it for the time being.

He entered the starboard bunk room, hoping to find the irritating astromech, which insisted on wandering around the ship at will, to give it a good kick up the dorsal flange retainer.

HK, why are you suddenly acting like a weird thug rather than an assassin droid? Kicking a small droid for his own pleasure and happiness is not exactly within his character. It's a small annoyance, but seriously, why even mention this? It adds nothing to the plot (ha ha the plot) and actually makes me feel slightly baffled. Yes, HK is a dark-sided character (technically), but why even use a sophisticated assassination droid in your fuckfic if you're just going to make him feel out of character?

Instead, he found the Jedi female sitting on the outermost cot, with her head in her pale hands. HK-47 recognised this position as a sign of Human emotional fragility, and performed a quick one-eighty, intending to depart for the steerage hold immediately.

“Oh, it’s you.” The tone was trembling at three octaves higher than nominal, though HK-47 recognised the voice as belonging to the sitting woman.

No, HK. Why would the woman in front of you be talking to you? That's just insane. You were obviously hearing somebody else.

Also, an octave doesn't mean what you think it means, Kooriv. Octaves are used to indicate a jump differential of pitch, at double or half the frequency of the pitch being discussed. A jump in an octave would actually mean that the tone was higher by an entire octave, (8 notes) something that would have Bastila, in this case, speaking THREE octaves higher, or 24 notes, essentially saying something in a high soprano if she could even enter that range at all.

I think I'm going to imagine her voice like that the rest of this story actually.

Turning to face her, he discovered she was looking up at him, her fleshy facial sacs flushed with a red pigmentation. “I thought you were in the hold.”

"Fleshy facial sacs?" Dear lord, Bastila, what the fuck is wrong with your face!?

Look, I know HK has a strange way of speaking and such, but I have no idea what the fuck Kooriv is talking about here. Is s/he saying that Bastila's eyes are red? If so then why call her eyes "sacs?" That makes no sense. A "sac," by definition, is a mostly round object that is hanging down, usually attached to something else and usually housing something inside of it. Being vulgar for a minute, a male's testicles (or "balls") would be sacs. They are even sometimes called "ball sacs." There are also some animals that have "egg sacs" like spiders. I have never heard of eyes called "eye sacs" before though. The reason is because eyes really are not sacs.

And if Kooriv isn't referring to Bastila's eyes, then what the flying heavenly fuck is he referring to?

“Assessment: I was in the hold, mistress, until my servomotors conveyed me to this area of the ship. I hope in no small amount of time I will be allowed to undertake the return journey, so that I can shut myself down and avoid any unfortunate instances of vocal communication.”

The Jedi woman did not seem to understand his summary of the situation,

You and me both, Bastila.

instead getting to her feet and pacing the floor in a state of some agitation. “Do you like the ship, HK?”

“Confession: Mistress, anything other than the dreary hovel in which I was kept by that fool Yuka Laka is a relief to my cooling systems. I had no desire to spend my remaining days picking sand particles out of my joints, as I’m sure you can appreciate.”

The use of "mistress" here and elsewhere bothers me. It's been established that HK really only listens to the main character of the game. The player character is called master, but no other character is thought of very highly by the droid. In fact he openly mocks some of them in the second game. Calling her "mistress" instead of his usual "meatbag" or the like seems odd to me.

“Yes,” she replied distantly. “I’m glad we left Tatooine.”

No shit, Bastila. I don't think anybody wants to be on that planet. It's a fucking desert. There is no water there. Do you think the people there want to stay?

Despite his innate desire to depart from the female’s company, HK-47 experienced a spike of interest.

Are you serious, Kooriv? Are you actually serious? A droid that openly mocks "meatbags" and hates almost every last one of them suddenly has a spike of interest in a conversation with a character he seriously cannot stand to be around? My suspension of disbelief is shattered.

“Query: Did you also wish to avoid the fate of having your bodily crevices sand-blasted for the foreseeable future?”

She turned a frown to him, as if not sure how to take his comment. HK-47 decided this was a reasonable response; few meatbags tended to appreciate his superior sense of things. “I met my mother there, HK. She’s ill.”

The comment did not suggest the need for a response, so HK-47 did not give one. After a moment, the Jedi woman continued. “I gave her father’s holocron. I wouldn’t have done that if it had been in my possession even a few days ago. I wished her well. I’m changing. He’s changing me.”

Yes, Bastila. Open up to the homicidal droid that you have nothing in common with. Talk to him as if you two are best friends. Confess your feelings about the player character and your mother to him because I'm absolutely positive you would do this in game. I hope you can read my sarcasm, by the way, internet. This conversation is so realistic to these characters I am literally tired of reading this already.

HK-47 paused, allowing the comment to filter through his processors. She was clearly referring to a member of the Ebon Hawk’s ad-hoc crew, and the only viable candidate seemed to be the Republic soldier—his own Master. “Query: How so, mistress?”

I fucking hate the use of "mistress."

“I feel different around him. Like before....” Here, she stopped, as if unable, or perhaps unwilling to continue. She let out a long breath of air. “Now he’s off running around the treetops. I just feel frustrated, HK.”

Confide in the muderdroid, Bastila. Go ahead and tell him all of your feelings. Obviously you have such an easy time talking about your feelings. You're in no way uptight and self-righteous. You're emotional to the extreme, obviously not a Jedi, whose major purpose in game is to guard against emotional entanglements for as long as you can until you give in to, as you put it, "a moment of weakness."

My point here is that, of course, Bastila would be confessing her deep emotional core to a fucking assassin droid.

“Confiding Statement:

Bullshit. Bullshit. BOOOLLLSHEEEIIT!

One, HK-47 never uses adjectives before his speech patterns. HK-50(s) from the next game do that.

Two, WHY THE FUCK IS HK-47 CONFIDING IN BASTILA?

My logic processors are in a similar, though far more complex, state of indecision, mistress. I am quite unable to place the cause, which itself is adding to my quandary. It is most infuriating.”

The Jedi woman tilted her head to regard him. “I didn’t know droids could feel.”

They can't.

“Clarification: Forgive the miscommunication, mistress.

Apologize, HK. I know you always like saying that you're sorry. You're an assassin droid with a heart of gold, you are.

When I speak of feelings of rage or anger, I do not refer to emotions expressed by meatbags such as yourself. These are merely quantifiable conditions of my internal processes.”

Uh... what? So, let me get this straight, when HK "speaks" of his "feelings" of "rage and anger" he is not speaking of "rage and anger" by definition because he cannot feel those emotions? So, why the fuck use the words, HK? Why would you even use those words if what you are "feeling" (in this case more like "experiencing") is an internal struggle of programs or data or whatever, and not some kind of emotion? Don't use words that are used exclusively to describe emotions if you don't want to be misunderstood and thus have to come out of character to apologize to a character you would never have anything to do with.

Also, being a protocol droid, you should have already known these things.

The female’s emotional peak was lessening, and her body language had become looser and more open. “You’re a very unique kind of droid,” she said.

“Statement: Oh, mistress, my flattery modules are literally suffering a cataclysmic meltdown at your compliment. I am glad somebody has noticed my unrivalled artistry and sophistication.”

Wow, I don't remember HK ever quite having that much dry sarcasm in him. I kind of thought he was a droid. Guess I'm the one who's wrong.

“But you can’t remember who your Master was, or even what you were built for?”

“Recitation: Alas, mistress, my memory core has suffered seemingly irreparable damage, and I am unable to call up any records pertaining to the point of origin and function of my initial programming.

Pained Addendum: This is most vexing, mistress.”

The nerd in me is raging. Look, I'm a big fan of the KotOR games. The second one is my absolute favorite game of all time. Honestly, that was a big reason for starting this whole thing off with a fanfiction from this Star Wars series, but if Kooriv continues to not realize that it is actually a major plot point that HK never uses adjectives before the quirk in his speech, then I am going to continue pointing it out and getting annoyed every single time.

Her eyes were roving in their sockets,

That has to be the single most awkward way to say, "She looked around." Well, no, I'm wrong. I guess Kooriv could have written, "Her fleshy facial sacs of ocular liquids and yellow crumbly discharge were roving in their sockets."

taking in HK-47’s outward appearance, as if his rust-colored shell could provide some clues to his identity. Although futile, HK-47 allowed the Human to conduct her rudimentary inspection. “You have protocol functions, don’t you?” she asked, which HK-47 affirmed. “You’re good at communication; perhaps you were built as a companion for your Master.”

“Mendacious

Seriously? Are you serious, you piece of absolute shit? "Mendacious?" And for a droid who doesn't use adjectives before his speech too! Come the fuck on, Kooriv! Get your head in the fuckfic game!

Conjecture: Yes, mistress, that is most certainly one of many thousands of possibilities.”

“I suppose not,” she shrugged. “I could just do with some company.”

Uh... what? Is she asking what I think she's asking? That came out of nowhere.

Also, Bastila, you do know that you actually have at least two other companions on the ship right now to go and talk with right? And most, if not all, of the others actually talk with you in game. HK and you never actually speak and would probably not get along at all, especially in a sexy way.

“Admission: I am afraid I would be unable to assist in that regard, mistress. After all, I am only a simple, exquisitely-designed protocol droid.”

The woman continued to study HK-47’s shell. “But you don’t know what you’re capable of, if parts of your memory are missing,” she pointed out.

Get rid of that first comma, Kooriv. Also, this dialogue is rough. Try saying her line out loud. Hell, try saying any of the lines out loud. Especially later on.

“Weary

MOTHERFUCK.

Resignation: Mistress, over the past nine hours my innards have endured such a number of probes, surveys and general pokings that I could be mistaken for a Corellian call-girl.

This sounds just like HK. How could I have ever doubted you, Kooriv.

But I suppose if you think you might profit from such an endeavor, I shall not hesitate to facilitate you.”

“I think I just need a distraction,” the woman said, moving forwards as HK-47 reluctantly deactivated the magna-locks anchoring his chassis in place. Exposing his computer core, HK-47 watched as she pored over the intricate collection of wires and servos with a thoughtful expression. Rubbing her chin, she set to work, her dextrous fingers sliding inside his torso cavity with surprising skill—for a meatbag.

I'm not entirely certain how HK could watch as Bastila tinkered with his innards. His head doesn't exactly have the greatest amount of upward and downward mobility.

HK-47 allowed his systems to idle over the next twenty minutes—though he covertly monitored every one of the woman’s moves, in case she happened to dislodge something important—until his aural sensors picked up a soft gasp released from her mouth. “Statement: Have you completed your inspection?”

With HK's quirk, he'd be saying "Query" not "Statement" as he is making a query not a statement. You can tell because of that squiggle that is a question mark at the end of his quotation.

The woman straightened up, and HK-47 noted the pinkish flush had not lifted from her countenance. In fact, it had become more pronounced. “I... think so,” she said in a halting voice. “HK, you seem to have some... unusual subroutines in your control cluster.”

"Statement: I bet you say that to all the droids."

The droid was not alarmed; there was no chance her perfunctory explorations had uncovered anything below his surface personality, and his assassination protocols were so deep-seated even that blasted astromech wouldn’t have been able to prise them out in a standard month. “Conversational

COME THE FUCK ON

(Also, "prise?" Seriously? You have to use the most obscure verbiage imaginable time and time again? IN A STAR FUCKING WARS FUCKFIC?)

Query: Unusual, mistress?”

She seemed unsure of what to do with her upper appendages, continually rubbing and fiddling with her hands in a most awkward display of behaviour. “Do you remember anything of your previous service? Any jobs that might have been outside a protocol droid’s range of skills?”

No.

No.

Bastila, what did you find!?

“Defensive

YOU MOTHEFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT

Statement: Mistress, I must assure you that very few tasks are outside of my considerable skill set.

Oh, baby...

To what are you referring?”

“Well... oh, blast it!” the woman huffed, and peered closer at the data reader she had been using to navigate his programming clusters. “HK, activate subroutine Five-Nine-Dash-Ninety-Nine.”

What "data reader?" Where did she pull that out of? Why didn't Kooriv mention it when she was screwing around with HK's innards for no reason? Also, that first comma has to go. It shouldn't exist in any reality. Either that or Kiroov should substitute in "peering" instead of "and peered."

HK-47 suppressed a burst of surprise at the nature of the request, but complied all the same. He saw no shame in it, but registered a look of wide-eyed shock on the Jedi woman as he launched the subroutine, and extended the segmented probic arm from his pelvic junction. A smooth, tubular shaft that could extend to over a foot in length, the lower-body interface was a modified computer jack HK-47 had kept secreted for as long as he could remember. Its true point and purpose eluded him, though he was well aware of certain prurient uses the telescoping arm could be put to.

You can't keep this droidildo "secrete." HK had kept it "secret" or simply "hidden away." Saying that he had "secreted" it actually means that he had discharged it from himself (for as long as he could remember). Also, I have to love a fuckfic writer who knows how to use a thesaurus. The use of "prurient" in sentences always gets me happy in the pants, let me tell you.

So, it appeared, was the Jedi woman. Her ocular lenses

Why is Bastila suddenly using a microscope/telescope? The only "ocular lenses" I know of are used exclusively in microscopes and telescopes. So, don't fucking use the terminology to refer to "eyes." Just use the fucking word "eyes."

were fixed on the arm, which stood ramrod stiff at a sixty degree angle, almost pointing directly at her glowing face. The tip was capped with a burnished, mushroom-shaped dome capable of interfacing with most computer outlets.

So, uh... if I'm understanding this right, in the KotOR universe, the head of a penis is universally accepted to interface with most computer outlets? Dudes must have been really lonely to do that.

“Query,” HK-47 said in a neutral tone, “are you satisfied, mistress?”

The brown-haired woman blinked, still fixated on the probic arm. “What do you use it for, HK?” she said carefully.

Bastila, seriously? Are you dense?

He uses the universal droid penis interface to stick into sassy computer ports. I thought that was obvious. How long have you been in the universe, Bastila, if you don't know that the male mushroom-shaped penis head is almost universally accepted in most computer outlets? God.

“Explanation: Computer interface, mistress. It is a universal probic attachment capable of integrating with a large number of ports and sockets of standard design.”

See?

“What else?”

“Curious

ARGH

Extrapolation: I believe, mistress, though I have not had the opportunity to verify this first-hand, that such attachments are fitted to personal pleasure droids, for the purpose of delivering sexual gratification to their owners upon request. Addendum: Why a droid would be considered for such a task is beyond my programming.”

The woman glanced into his photoreceptors. “Sometimes a droid can be the closest thing to a companion,” she said in a strained voice.

Oh no, Bastila. Don't let yourself be a sassy computer port for HK's mushroom cock.

HK-47 was not an unintelligent droid. His data core was massive, and he could process connections at lightspeed, rivalling the abilities of the famed G0-T0 infrastructure droids. Thus, he knew exactly what the Jedi woman was asking, and why she had taken so precise an interest in his special modification.

He also knew exactly how to use his Human-droid interface protocols.

Stepping forward, HK-47 gripped his probic arm by its long shaft, keeping it pointed directly at Bastila. “Statement: I am equipped to serve, mistress,” he said, altering the pitch and cadence of his vocabulator to introduce a lustrous quality to his voice. “You may consider this droid fully armed and operational.”

That quotation just made Silent Hill groan in pain and facepalm. I hope you're happy, Kooriv.

Also, "lustrous" does not mean what you think it means. It means "shiny" in this case. His voice cannot be shiny. "Lusty" or "prurient" would have been better words to use. Or anything else really.

Bastila was momentarily stunned by the droid’s change in behaviour, but rallied spectacularly. She closed the gap between them, and placed a thin hand on the rounded nib of the droid’s probic shaft, as if taking hold of a swoop bike’s shift stick. “I could do with a little distraction,”

We've established this Bastila. You've said this already. Yes, you want to fuck the droid. Then fuck the droid already. I also have no idea how she "rallied spectacularly." Does that mean that she... oh, jeez... does that mean she became really "active" really quickly? That is such an awkward way of saying that "Bastila quickly regained her mental footing, having momentarily been surprised by HK's change in behaviour."

she said, and HK-47 recognised the tone as that of a woman in the first stages of a Human mating ritual. He was pleased by the result.

“Correction: There is nothing ‘little’ about this droid, meatbag,” he stated.

Finally, HK actually sounds like himself! He should have been calling her "meatbag" from the first... and, oh fuck they're going to fuck, aren't they?

Bastila eyed him for a moment, then dropped from view. HK-47 readjusted his photoreceptors to find her kneeling on the deck, her hand wrapped around his rigid probe. “I’m glad,” she said, “but ‘meatbag’ has to go.” She opened her mouth and leaned forwards, letting the tip of HK’s shaft pass between her lips. She bunched her jaw and pressed her mouth to the metallic rod, sucking in her high cheeks.

Bastila... uh... Bastila? Yeah, droids don't feel... anything. Not sure what you're trying to accomplish there. This whole thing is more about your pleasure than the droid's.

Also, I just want to mention that this is such a stupid thing to happen that it is literally stunning that it's in here at all. She knows that HK won't feel anything, and yet she's sucking him off. Not going to lie, women usually need some persuasion to suck on a penis. It doesn't just happen. Women don't usually just drop to the floor to suck a dick. And usually if the woman can avoid it, she will.

So, let's summarize: 1. Women do not usually easily suck on a penis. 2. A droid cannot feel said sucking. 3. This is kind of all about Bastila's pleasure as she can actually feel something. So, why is she sucking on HK's droidildo?

HK-47 did not understand why the female was simulating the act of fellatio—the purpose of which, to prepare the Human male for sexual intercourse, was lost on a droid—but he allowed her to continue. His response package told him to follow the female’s lead in such matters, no matter how whimsical. “Query: What is wrong with ‘meatbag’, mistress? I believe it is an apt term for your kind.”

“Perhaps,” Bastila said, popping her lips free of the shaft for a moment, “but not very sexy.” She resumed fellating his probic arm, lathering the surface in her internal oral fluid and bobbing her head rapidly.

I am so aroused by your language, Kooriv. Literally rock hard right here. Fellate my probic arm. Please.

“Request for

Fucking seriously? Come on! Not even the HK-50s say that! You shouldn't be allowed to just make shit up...

Oh...

Clarification: By what term should I refer to you, mistress?”

Bastila took a long and low suck on HK’s pipe before replying. “Mistress is good enough,” she decided, then added, “or how about schutta?”

“Definition: An example of Twi’lek terminology. The word denotes a sexually promiscuous member of Rylothian society, and has largely negative connotations.”

While the word does have negative connotations, it is not what HK or Kooriv thinks it is. A "schutta" is a weasel-like animal indigenous to Ryloth, the homeworld of the Twi'leks. It's roughly the equivalent of calling someone a "bitch" or an "ass," both animal in their own right.

The brown-haired woman smiled broadly around the rod in her mouth. “Exactly.”

HK-47 gave the equivalent of an internal shrug. There was no reason not to indulge the female at this point. “Statement: Very well, schutta. I shall refer to you by your chosen nomenclature.”

She smiled again, though added in a warning tone, “Only for now, HK. Not in front of the others.”

“Statement: As you desire, schutta.”

His words seemed to galvanize her, as Bastila sucked more passionately upon his bronzium rod, his sensors picking up soft mewls and gasps of pleasure as she worked her mouth over the shaft. HK-47 studied her technique carefully, matching it to those retained in his databanks, and concluded that, while inexperienced, the Jedi woman was gifted at the practice, and would surely make her Human lovers exceedingly happy.

“Complimentary

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Statement: You are performing at a high standard, schutta,” he said. “Your technique is commendable, and were I a male of a mammalian species, I would surely be ready to achieve orgasm due to your efforts.”

My panties are soaked right now.

Bastila giggled,

Bastila, who is known as stern and a JEDI, is currently giggling while being praised for her blowjob technique by a droid who cannot feel. Wonderful. I certainly feel that that was all necessary.

and pressed her lips to the tip of his rod, simulating a loving kiss. “That’s nice, HK,” she smiled, and got to her feet—somewhat shakily, the droid noticed. “But I want to learn more about your technique.”

“Statement: As you desire, schutta. I am programmed with a full package of sexual techniques, and my memory banks contain the full texts of such works as the Zeltron’sutra and Sixty-Nine Ways to Please Your Lamproid Lover, and can readily—”

He cut himself off as Bastila placed a finger to his vocabulator. “No,” she said in a hushed tone. “I want you to show me.”

“Clarification: You desire a practical demonstration, schutta?”

She laughed again, and nodded. “Mm-hm.”

“Additional Clarification: And I am free to use any methods necessary?”

“Oh, you bet.”

“Statement: HK-47 is ready to service you,” the droid said, and triggered the next phase of his subroutine. Information flowed through his verbobrain at the speed of light, and his plan of action coalesced behind his photoreceptors.

Without any further warning, HK-47 grasped Bastila’s upper arms in his manipulators, and spun her around so that she was facing the far wall of the dorm.

I just realized that those "dorms" don't have doors. Sure, they have blast doors, but neither HK nor Bastila ever closed them. So, that means that anybody could just walk in, or even see from the hall what's going on. If there's noise being made then everybody on the ship would probably hear them as well.

Obviously, it stands to reason that a young woman who gets scared kissing a man she cares about, would have no problem fucking a droid in front of anybody who happens to walk past. And one of the people who could walk past is an actual child. Wonderful.

She gave a yelp of surprise, but not of fear, so the droid continued, pressing his metallic body to hers. His probic arm nestled against her backside, and he registered a spike in her pleasure at the touch, even through the fabric of her fatigues.

Her clothing posed a problem if intercourse was to commence, though HK-47, as ever, had a solution. Applying precise pressure with his pincer-like fingers, the droid grasped the collar of Bastila’s uniform and tugged sharply. The fabric tore under his grip, peeling away from her body in a ragged line that exposed the right-hand portion of her torso. She yelped again. “Statement: This is the most efficient method of divesting you of your garments, schutta.”

The woman arched her body into his, lolling her head on his spindly shoulder joint.

That has to be comfortable. Cold metal on warm body. I would have thought she might pull back or something. But no. Cold metal doesn't faze a horny Jedi.

“I figured,” she said, gazing up at him. He inclined his head, and tore at her clothing again, shredding the covering of her right knee in three places. She shifted her crimson tabard to one side, and HK-47 tore at the fabric of her crotch, ripping it from between her legs.

Hope she has some more clothes to wear. If the player character isn't around and the inventory isn't available to her, well then, I hope she likes streaking in front of everybody. (Goddammit, I just made myself think that there are probably nude mods for KotOR out there. It gets better and better.)

Bastila shivered, which the droid registered as a response to the filtrated air of the bunk room on her exposed private area.

“Query: Do you require me to increase the temperature?” HK-47 said.

Bastila raised her arms above her head, stroking her hands along the sides of the droid’s head casing. “Not literally,” she purred, and dropped one hand to the tear in her dusky pants. HK-47 watched with interest as the Jedi woman inserted her middle finger into her exposed vagina, and noted her body temperature increased several degrees as a result.

Her entire body temperature increased several degrees with a single finger inserted into her for a split-second? Wow. That's seriously not how that stuff works. And if it were how things worked than women would literally have their brains fry inside of their skulls while having actual sex as their temperatures increased beyond sustainable levels.

“Get the idea?” she whispered.

“Confirmation: I do.”

Bastila continued to manually pleasure herself, working her finger deeper inside her own body until her knuckle was pressed against her pubic bone. HK-47 monitored the frequency and angle of each thrust of her digit, and extrapolated the woman’s optimal speed and depth. The result was something he would endeavour to replicate.

The Jedi was grinding herself shamelessly against his metallic frame, her finger still plunged between her labia, her bared chest heaving with sexual stimulation. HK decided that it would soon be time to introduce himself into the proceedings.

“I need it,” Bastila murmured. “I need it now.” She withdrew her finger and grasped his probic arm firmly.

“Statement: I will give it to you, schutta,” he vowed. The spindly droid angled his robotic hips as Bastila tugged his rod towards her opening, and together they assumed a suitable position. HK pressed the tip of his shaft to Bastila’s labia, and the woman let out a moan of pleasure, which increased in volume and lustre when he penetrated her several inches deep.

"Lustre" also doesn't mean what you think it means. It is a way of describing something sight-wise. "Gleam" would be a good adjective. Let's fit "gleam" in the sentence instead: "...which increased in volume and gleam..." No, that doesn't work. Use a better word. "Cadence" would be a good word to use. "Pitch" would be another. "Frequency" would be a fine one to use as well.

It was the kind of sound he had observed in the examples of holopornography saved to his memory banks, and seemed to be a favourite among male audiences.

Again, Bastila's doing this in the relative open space of a dorm without a door, and I have to believe that OTHER PEOPLE ARE STILL ABOARD THE SHIP BESIDES THEM.

Holding Bastila’s body tightly around the waist, HK exerted his servomotors and lifted her off the deck and into his embrace, impaling her more thoroughly on his shaft in the process.

Bastila, you have no idea what kinds of sassy computer ports that thing has been in! You could catch some weird droid disease! At least tell HK to put some lube on his cold and comedic "probic" penis.

You're seriously going to chaff otherwise.

She let out another moan, and clutched at his arms for support. His frame had not been designed to be held so intimately, though the Jedi woman managed to make herself comfortable, judging by the ever-increasing stimulation of her body.

"I love the feel of cold metal!" Bastila cried in passion, shoving the hilt of the lightsaber as deep inside of herself as it would go.

That's essentially what's happening here, and it would make more sense to be a lightsaber than HK. Just sayin'.

“That feels good, HK,” she cried, “it’s so thick!”

Women sound like this in the throes of passion. Trust me on this.

(Actually, they don't. The only women who sound like this are porn stars. And they get paid to say it. The more you know!)

HK-47 identified this as an example of talking dirty—largely a method by which a sexual partner kept themselves focused on the moment of pleasure by vocalizing their physical sensations. “It’s so flarking thick!”

Thank you, HK, for finally telling me what "talking dirty" is. I would have never known otherwise. Kooriv, you are a god for finally explaining the lost art of "dirty talking" to all of us plebs who would have no idea otherwise.

“Statement: This pleases me, schutta. Your body is physically attractive, and your vagina is activating my pleasure sensors and stimulus packages.”

“Force, you fucking droid! Use your databanks, will you?” she cried, using HK’s arms as leverage to thrust herself upon his rod, her womanhood widening with every penetration.

Uh... what? What does she say there, and what does it even mean?

Also, why would her "womanhood" be widening with every penetration when the shaft of the droidildo is always the same width? She's not going to widen out with every penetration. That literally makes no sense unless the droidildo is widening as well, which it isn't. I mean, yes, I could take this as the droidildo is moving in and out of her, but why would it be doing that? It would probably be staying inside of her sassy meatbag port.

Also, I'm going to continue to use the word "sassy" to describe the proceedings in every single fanfic. It makes me smile. This fuckfic does not.

The droid accessed his encyclopaedic modules, and calculated what the woman was asking for. “Statement: I’m fucking your cunt,” HK said. “My cock is inside your twat, and it feels fucking stellar.”

Oh. She wanted... seriously? Come on.

Bastila let out a laugh tinged by pleasure, and she rocked herself more fervently on his metallic attachment. “That’s it! That’s good,” she cried.

“Statement: Thank you, schutta.”

“Keep going!”

The droid continued to mine his dictionaries for choice words and phrases from across the Republic,

And yet he only ever really uses "schutta" and barely different forms of "My penis is inside of your vagina. Grind. Grind."

all the while letting his Jedi lover bounce madly on his phallic shaft. All too soon, however, he noticed she was tiring, and realized she could not keep up the furious pace in her position. The droid soon remedied the situation, taking hold of the woman’s right thigh and hoisting her leg upwards to take her full weight. She leaned against him, resting her head on the side of his carapace, undulating her hips to rock his rod inside her.

Rock that rod, Bastila. I wish I knew what any of that meant. How is she rocking it inside of her while he's holding her up? And why wouldn't he just do the work since he's kind of got the upper hand here?

Accessing his documented holopornography again, HK added a new assignment to his roster, and activated the servomotors in his hip joints. Shifting his hips upwards, HK was able to penetrate Bastila more deeply, and assumed a steady rhythm of intercourse. “Query: Is this fucking satisfactory, schutta?” he asked.

“Yes, oh yes, keep doing that!” Bastila yelled, her body jiggling with every thrust of his mechno-phallus. “And call me a schutta again!”

"Her body jiggling?" That sounds incredibly uncomfortable.

“Statement: You are a fucking schutta and you are currently being fucked like one. I hope this pleases you,” he said.

So, we're just going to keep saying the same things over and over again and think that it's going to sound sexy eventually. Is that it, Kooriv? Let's just have HK just repeat the same insults and hope that eventually the reader will realize, "Oh my, I have finally reached full orgasmic potential. And all it took was for HK-47 to explain 'talking dirty,' and to say the same fucking thing to Bastila a couple more times. Because I obviously get off to droid porn said in the most matter-of-fact way possible."

Bastila’s hands came up to her jiggling tits,

"Jiggling" again? Seriously, there are better and more attractive words than that one to use. "Heaving" would be a better one. Then again, using any word with the noun "tits" is just going to sound ridiculous. "Heaving breasts" would work nicely. And I can't believe I'm still giving advice for this abominable story.

and she began to play with the fleshy sacs

Kooriv, I thought we spoke about "sacs" before. Didn't we talk about this? Why didn't you listen to anything I was saying?

While breasts are much more sac-like than eyes, they still could be defined as basically anything else because their sac-like qualities are not being spoken of here. What's even more preposterous is that Kooriv, or the third-person HK perspective this story seems to be written from, referred to them as "tits" just moments before. But now they're defined as "fleshy sacs." Why even do that? Why?

as HK rocked her. She pinched her pink nipples

...those erogenous flesh bumps that sat upon the supple sacs of fat and flesh comprising the sac of meat that was her body entire...

between forefinger and thumb, seeming to enjoy the small spike of pain this caused her.

The assassin droid had never been able to calculate a sapient’s propensity for pain—his victims had always protested quite loudly against injury to their bodies, so the self-infliction of pain seemed to run counter to his experiences. However, his databanks offered up some interesting ideas.

By now Bastila was furiously kneading and squeezing her breasts, her pleasure doubling,

Mathematically doubling, because pleasure is something that can be numerically computed. Also playing with her breasts seems to get her off just as much as being fucked silly by a droid. I guess she has really sensitive breasts.

and HK decided to assist her. Ensuring she was safely balanced on his pumping rod, he removed his hand from her waist and drew it up to her slim, pale-skinned neck. Momentarily the woman panicked, perhaps thinking the droid meant her inordinate harm, but when he applied gentle pressure without cutting off her air supply, she seemed to understand his intention. “Mmm, you’re inventive, droid,” she smiled.

HK squeezed a little harder, causing Bastila to gurgle out her next moan of pleasure, feeling her breaths forcing their way past the blockage caused by his metallic fingers. The woman was panting raggedly, and her internal temperature was starting to peak. “Rhetorical

FUCK YOU, KOORIV

Seriously, pointing out these stupid erroneous characterization quirks are about the only thing I have left. Let me have this at least.

Query: Do you like me choking you, schutta?” he intoned. “You deserve to be choked, schutta.”

This seemed to spur Bastila on, thrusting herself down onto his piston-like phallus with wild bucks of her wide hips. HK maintained his optimal speed, feeling the woman drawing close to the plateau of her pleasure. Clutching at the arm around her neck, she used her other hand to resume her manual stimulation, fingering the tiny nub just above her stretched vagina.

Yup, Kooriv watches a little too much porn. Again, this doesn't actually ever happen outside of porn stars, especially not with a Jedi who has no real knowledge of sex.

HK had little information on this spot, though he recognised it as a point of great pleasure for the woman. He watched as she rubbed and squeezed at the nub, her moans coming out now as shrieks which were undoubtedly ringing through the adjoining corridor.

The corridor they could both plainly see because there was no door. They both wondered if her shrieking like a maniac would attract any of the attention of the others on the ship.

Oh, fuck no they didn't. Because why would decency cross Bastila's mind when SHE HAS FUCKING PROBLEMS WITH KISSING A DUDE ON THE MOUTH ONCE.

With her orgasm building, HK decided he did not want to injure Bastila in her throes of passion,

This is so much like an assassination droid's thought process, specifically an assassination droid built for actually enjoying watching others suffer. It's wonderful to know that Kooriv really understands these characters.

and set her gently onto her feet. Momentarily confused, the woman let out another shriek

Goddammit, Bastila. THERE. ARE. OTHERS. ON. THE. SHIP. Muffle your throes a little. Have some common courtesy for fuck's sake.

as the droid bent her over, his lubricated shaft still lodged deep inside her vagina. Spreading his legs to gain purchase in his new position, HK-47 resumed fucking the wild-haired brunette, snapping his hips against her jiggling

"Jiggling" again? Great to know you have a vast vocabulary, Kooriv.

buttocks. According to his records, this sexual position had no official name, though was generally referred to on many worlds by whatever domesticable species resided there. Currently, the most common colloquialism for the position was “gizka style”, which HK thought unnecessarily quaint.

Are you...? *sigh*

Why do I even bother?

Regardless of its name, Bastila seemed to enjoy the position, howling and squealing

Bastila, seriously, please stop with all of the noise. The door is open. And there are others aboard. Are you seriously that dim to not understand that?

into the deck as HK plundered

"Plundered?" Dear lord...

her contracting vagina. Her orgasm came hard, rocking her body and almost dumping her to the floor if HK had loosened his grip. She screamed incoherently, and HK felt

"Can Droids Feel Mortal Stimulus?"

Look, droids have no nerve endings. They cannot feel in any sense of that word.

her vagina pulling fiercely at his rod, likely to stimulate a simultaneous orgasm in the male. HK, however, continued to fuck her as she rode out her climax, keeping a tight hold of her wobbling hips until her shaking subsided.

“Oh, Force!” she cried when she had her breathing under control. “That was amazing!” HK considered the possibility that it was a signal to end their intercourse, though Bastila’s body continued to respond to his thrusts, bucking back against his shaft. “You’re full of surprises, HK.”

“Statement: I am flattered, schutta. Query: Would you like to continue?”

No, this fuckfic is almost over.

Bastila reached back and brought the flat of her palm down on her left buttock, producing a loud slapping sound. “Force, yes! Don’t you dare stop!” She took hold of her calves, bent almost double, and wiggled her backside into HK’s thrusts.

“Supplication: I have no intention of stopping, schutta, although I must remind you that the Ebon Hawk will not remain devoid of meatbags for long.”

Are you fucking serious? Bastila is the only person on the Ebon Hawk for some reason? Look, the player character can only have two people in his or her party at any time. Why the fuck wouldn't there be more people aboard? Why do I even care anymore? At least that explains why Bastila was making so much noise. I guess she didn't have to worry. That's particularly disappointing. Having Mission walk in on her shrieking, fucked up orgasm would have been emotionally scarring, and the player character could certainly use this as a fucking thing to comment on when she takes the moral high ground constantly, and GETS FREAKED OUT BY A SINGLE KISS.

“Oh, they’ll be playing with the walking carpets for ages yet,”

Ah, Bastila also has no regards for other species either. Wonderful to know.

the brunette replied, and squealed loudly as HK delivered a particularly hard thrust into her juicy cunt. “Come on, don’t you want to find out what other protocols you’ve got hidden in there?”

HK considered this; though he had no intention of revealing his deeper functions, he supposed that he might have additional sexual skills he had not yet run checks on. And, with the screaming brunette impaled on his probic arm, he decided that there was no time like the present.

* * * *

Elsewhere aboard the docked freighter, the utility droid T3-M4 went about his work. His aural sensors had been picking up unusual sounds emanating from the starboard cabin for the past twenty-five standard minutes, though he had chosen not to investigate; he was aware of the assassin droid’s distaste for him, and knew better than to disturb the unbalanced rust-bucket.

Well, I guess I, at least, feel better that I wasn't entirely wrong about others being aboard.

However, the little droid remained curious, and considered that, should the HK droid depart from the cabin, he would inspect the scene, and perhaps attempt to involve himself in whatever activity the violent automaton had discovered.

Are you serious? Are you setting up T3 droidildoing his way into Bastila as well? Come on... just let this idea die.

Whistling happily to himself, T3-M4 trundled off down the corridor, cataloguing the interesting and high-pitched squeals that echoed throughout the ship.

Fuck you, Kooriv.

What else can I even say? The writing is pretty competent overall. I mean, there are sentences, words, and few misspellings. It's not a fanfiction that'll ever get my rocks off, but maybe somebody out there can see something I don't. It's not the worst thing ever, more stranded somewhere between absolute smut and just plain "Why?" territory. It's not particularly inspired, not particularly memorable, and really just the surface of the madness of fanfiction.

I didn't want to start off too crazy, and I think this one was a good starting point. I think the thing I'll remember most and take from this forever is that MOST COMPUTER PORTS in the Star Wars universe are a perfect fit for a human penis.