It Would Have Sounded Arousing Had it Not Been Used in Rape: A Kung-Fu Panda Fanfic

Original artist kept anonymous, signature removed. You're welcome.

That’s right, folks, you read that correctly. It’s CGeez again with another hilariously terrible installment into the Sassy Archives. This fic, brought to us by Mitchicus, describes the violent (cliché?) rape of Tigress, one of Po’s companions in Kung-Fu Panda and Kung-Fu Panda II.

This is Tigress. She’s a viciously cold badass, for being in an animated Jack Black movie. This piece was done by stasysolitude on deviantart, and boy is it pretty.

I saw the first movie in this series and I have to admit, I liked it. There were a few very stereotypical plot moves, but hey- it’s a Dreamworks film about a martial-art-savvy panda, of all things, so I wasn’t expecting Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon levels of amazing. It was cute and funny and cliché, but I enjoyed it- Tigress especially, since she was that ass-kicking character whose approval has to be won over with a huge amount of effort. This fic is set, I think, in the second movie’s timeline. Now, I didn’t see the second movie, but what I gathered from the first few paragraphs tells me that everything leading up to this scene is pretty much spelled out in the film. My comments will be in black, the fanfic itself will be in blue.

Now- welcome, dear readers, to Kung Fu Panda: Purity Lost by Mitchicus.

"No!" Tigress shouted as Po was shot out of the factory and was sent into the water outside.

She fell to her knees and bowed her head, thinking that she had gotten her friend killed. The wolves overpowered the rest of the Five and they all were chained in eight-point acupuncture cuffs. They were brought upstairs to Shen's quarters, where the peacock and the wolf boss stood. The wolf, though Shen was in charge, had some authority. He ordered the wolves to do what he wished when he got the chance, and he would do anything that he could for himself unless Lord Shen told him otherwise.

The peacock laughed evilly. "The legendary warrior that is destined to defeat me is now dead!" The Five said nothing, and made no eye contact with the peacock. "I see. You all are heartbroken that your fat panda has perished. Cute, it shows that you must all be true fools to befriend that bumbling panda."

"He was a greater man than you will ever be." Tigress said looking up at him and growling.

Shen laughed again. "But he is dead now. I survived, foolish tiger." The peacock turned to the wolf boss. "Do what you wish with them, I don't have the time or the patience to deal with them." Shen said turning from them, and the wolves took the Five back out of Shen's quarters.

And you know what, up to here, it’s okay. Not good, but mediocre and acceptable. Assuming you’re familiar with the movie, you know the setup to this scene. It’s even potentially canon, who knows, I don’t. The writing is amateur, but again, it doesn’t entirely suck. The syntax just doesn’t vary much and it’s really not too descriptive, but there’s no real crime committed worthy of landing it on this blog yet. …Yet.

The wolf boss, whose name was Adolfo, took a sword from a nearby soldier and walked towards the Five. He raised his sword, and Tigress acted.

You know what bugs me? We’re told the wolf boss’s name here, and it is literally never mentioned again in the entire fic. Ever. I mean, at least the peacock’s name was used… five, six… seven times. This guy- Adolfo- is only called by name once even though he has way more screen time than does his boss. If I were him, I’d lodge a complaint… or maybe he could petition to get his name removed from this fic entirely, that might be ideal.

"Please, do whatever you wish with me but don't hurt them!" Tigress pleaded.

Viper tried to stop her sister. "Tigress, please don't-"

"I have to!" Tigress said to her, and then she turned back to the wolf. "Do what you wish with me, just spare them."

The wolf considered this and then got an idea. He grinned and gave the sword back to the soldier he had taken it from.

Seriously? You’re writing a sexy fanfic about furry characters written for the twelve-year-old demographic and you’re doing this to introduce the rape? If I hadn’t already lost all respect for you, Mitchicus, I might have been a little ashamed right there.

"Alright tiger, I accept your request." The wolf said pulling her to her feet and grabbing her by the arm.

Yes, because as a villan it’s really intelligent to just release four of your most dangerous opponents just because you bargained to get some unwilling poon. Good priorities. This is also the mark of a Mary-Sue; unless there is a logical explanation for a character to be useful/desirable to this antagonist, there’s really shit motivation for them to just drop everything else and honor a flimsy bargain just for the sake of fucking a prisoner that’s already at their mercy. Just saying.

Tigress was frightened and looked back at the others. They believed that they were watching her go to her death.

The wolf pulled her into another room and threw her onto a bed. The wolf with the boss pulled off her cuffs only to put new chains on her arms, strapping her to the bed. They forced Tigress onto her back and the wolf boss grinned.

"Leave us." The wolf boss said, and the wolf left the room and closed the door behind him.

That is a lot of wolves to deal with. Maybe if you, I don’t know, called one of them by name, some confusion might be cleared up. Or maybe, if we’re really shooting for the moon here, maybe you might consider not writing sexyfics anymore. About anyone. Ever.

...Well, shit.

Tigress looked up at him in fear and the wolf's grin widened. He got on top of her and forcefully kissed her, which lasted for several moments. He broke the kiss and pulled off the armor on his chest, revealing his fur there.

One, he’s a wolf. There’s fur everywhere. Two… He’s a WOLF. How does he kiss a tiger? They both have muzzles. Does that mean he awkwardly mashed the tip of his nose against hers? Or maybe he just forcibly licked all around her face for several moments. Vicious.

The feline knew what was happening to her. 

No fucking duh.

The wolf unstitched her vest and opened it, revealing her A cup breasts.

Question: why is the size of her breasts important? Answer: it isn’t. Not only does it make the sentence awkward, it makes you a bit messed-up in the head for trying to make this sexy. Stop.

Tigress tried to pull away from him but the chains held her in place. The wolf began licking her right breast and squeezing her left. All Tigress could do was growl in fear and hate. He sucked on her nipple and bit it, causing her to jolt.

This has to be the shortest, most boring description of non-penetrative rape that I’ve ever seen in a badfic. Also, you’re missing a comma before ‘but’ in that first sentence.

He laughed to himself and stepped off of her. He then pulled off her pants and threw them to the side, revealing her virgin mound.

‘Virgin mound’ must be the least sexy way you could possibly have put that. Also, how did he take her pants off if she’s chained to the bed? If he didn’t chain her feet up, why didn’t she kick Adolfo in his furry balls? …She /does/ know martial-arts, right?

The wolf looked at it as he pulled off his pants, now standing completely naked.

"Please, don't take my virginity!" Tigress begged. "Take me in the ass or the mouth but not my pussy!"

“Oh, well, if I /have/ to… I guess I could take you up the ass, I mean, I was really hoping for the pussy. But not the mouth, because you’re a tiger and have a lot of dangerously pointy teeth that I really don’t want anywhere near my doggy dick. Also haha I’m so clever, I said ‘pussy’ and you’re a cat. It’s a pun, see?”

"We had an agreement, and you can't turn back on it." The wolf boss said as he positioned his now rock hard member at her entrance.

"No!" Tigress yelled as she felt sharp pain in her insides as the wolf's member entered her.

I hate when people use the word ‘member’ and expect to be taken seriously. I mean, you even said ‘pussy’, but you refuse to say ‘dick’ or ‘cock,’ or even ‘crotch’! It just pisses me off, because it’s a really stupid censor and people need to grow up. If you’re gonna write porn, you should be comfortable naming all the body parts involved.

Suddenly, he pulled out of her, before he could take her virginity. Tigress had hope…but that was crushed when he slammed his entire length into her with one thrust, popping her cherry and taking her virginity forever. Tigress' eyes widened and she screamed, for she was now in great pain and she knew that her virginity was gone forever.

Yep, let’s just pass right over the fact that you’re being forced to have sex against your will and skip right to ‘MY VIRGINITY IS GONE OH SHIT’. This is clearly the bigger problem in this situation, and requires your immediate attention and emphasis that, yes, it’s gone FOREVER. …Twice.

The wolf did not stop for her to recover or anything.

Oh, but I thought he was such a nice guy…

Once he had entered her, he picked up the pace of his thrusts. His member slid in and out of her depths, shaping them to his member. Waves of pleasure shot through his body as her once virgin insides rubbed against his monstrous member.

I want to count how many times the word ‘member’ is used; we’re at… five, so far. I’ll keep track.

His testicles slapped against her mound, making a sound that would have sounded arousing had it not been used in rape.

…I’m going to let that sentence stand on its own so we can marvel at it like it’s some museum exhibit. Let’s lock it behind a glass wall so no one ever has to go near it, but we can all stare at just how special this sentence truly is. I don’t even have words.

He pulled all but the head of his member out-

Six.

-and then shoved it back in with great force, and he picked up the pace of his thrusts even more. Tigress' eyes were filled with horror, and the wolf's were filled with lust. Blood dripped out of her crevice and onto the covers of the bed because of her cherry being popped.

Thank you for that explanation, Mitchicus. I was expecting chocolate sauce to be ‘dripping out of her crevice’ from the cherry-poppage, but you cleared that right up.

He shot precum into her depths, lubricating his member even more. His thrusts became faster and deeper.

"How does it feel Master Tigress, to have your virginity taken during your rape?" The boss asked the feline, and she made no reply.

Seven. And when you’re addressing someone in a sentence, you surround their name with commas. Example: “Your story, Mitchicus, really should be re-written or deleted entirely.”

As punishment and to add greater pleasure to himself, he grabbed a hold of both of her breasts with his hands, digging his claws into her round breasts.

“I am adding greater pleasure to myself!” Adolfo exclaimed as he kept on humping. “Your A-cup breasts are very round!”

Tigress yelped and watched as blood began to flow down her chest from the wolf grabbing her with his claws. He grinned at the sight of her blood and began to grunt as he drove deeper and deeper into the feline.

He felt the need to release begin to overcome him, and he picked up his pace. Suddenly, he slipped the knot of his member into her as well. Tigress screamed as even more pain found her, and the two were linked together.

Eigh-

His member began to throb, and precum continued to spill into her depths. Tigress felt him throbbing and laid her head back, defeated by the wolf.

-…Nine.

The wolf drove as deep as he could go into her and howled as loads and loads of his seed shot deep into her, sticking to her insides. Tigress groaned and closed her eyes, wishing that Po was alive and that he would have stopped this from happening. He fired three more long spurts and then began to fire less and less into her. Soon his orgasm was over and they now were stuck together.

Two of the four sentences in that paragraph detailed how much semen was being pumped into a tiger’s vagina. I hope you people enjoyed yourselves, reading that. Loads and loads of it, then three more long spurts, then less and less. Exactly that much semen. Right up there. Tiger’s vagina.

"Please, pull out of me now!" Tigress begged in a weak voice.

The wolf chuckled. "My knot is inside of you, so we are stuck together until I get limp and it falls out."

Thank you for that anatomy lesson. I’m so glad I have an accurate mental image of how doggy-dong works. I will treasure this knowledge forever.

Tigress growled and threw her head back.

Or maybe throw your head forward and bite this asshole, whatever. Not that you’re a tiger or a martial-arts master or anything.

Blood dripped down her breasts from his claws, and more blood slowly flowed out of her from her popped cherry. She felt the wolf's cum sticking inside of her, and turned uneasily, trying to get it out of her. It swished around in her pussy and the wolf laughed at her efforts.

Does the amount of detail in this description make anyone else mildly disconcerted?

Thirty minutes later, the wolf's member became limp and he slipped out of her. His seed dripped out of her depths along with more blood onto the covers, and Tigress was breathing heavily still.

WE HAVE REACHED TEN. TEN TIMES. Mitchicus, you should be awarded a sticker for your efforts- I think I have just the one…

He cleaned himself off and put back on his clothes. He exited the room and began talking with Shen. The peacock asked what he had done to the Five, and the wolf said that he got "needed release" as a bargain for their lives. The peacock and wolf chuckled outside, leaving the tiger with no purity still chained to the bed and bleeding.

Again, we’re apparently meant to care more about the fact that she lost her ‘purity’ than the fact that she was raped. I’m not exactly feeling it, Mitchicus. I mean, okay, her hymen was broken (do tigers have hymens?), oh dear. I’m still more concerned with the fact that it was done forcefully, against her will. I think you’re putting emphasis on the wrong problem here, but that might just be me.

Tigress wished with all her heart that Po was alive, and that he would come and save them from their fates.

--(Chapter Two starts here)--

He was not dead however.

Well, that was convenient!

Shen was killed, the Five were freed.

Weren’t they already freed at the beginning of Chapter 1? You know, how they were let go after Tigress traded her body to have them released? Or maybe it was a moot point, and Po would have rescued them no matter what. Thanks anyway, Tigress!

…And what about the wolf-rapist?

However, Tigress was never truly the same after her rape.

"I never was the same afterwards." Tigress said to Po, who was sitting beside her.

"Tigress, I'm really sorry." Po said and hugged her.

Tigress did not take the hug as something awkward or strange. She hugged him before the factory, and he hugged her after the final battle. He was comforting her.

Tigress nodded and held him closely, and then looked into his eyes. She leaned forward and kissed him. The kiss lasted for several moments before they slowly pulled away and looked into each other's eyes. They were not embarrassed. They were overjoyed that they were together.

I still don’t understand how animals with muzzles are kissing.

"I'll never lose you again, Po." Tigress said hugging him.

Now, normally, the review would end there, we would ‘x’ out of the tab, and promptly try to find some brain-bleach in the vain attempt to scrub this story from our memory. But this time, dear readers, I’m gonna peek at some of the reviews people left on this story as well. They really do deserve a look.

One reviewer asks, 

“I was wandering if you could do one when Tigress is in heat and rapes Mitch your oc”

Another commenter writes, 

“That story was sad and painful cause I felt Tigress pain when she was raped. If I were tigress I would not surrender to the wolf boss cause my life would be worse. But tigress was lucky that she didn't get killed. Oh what happened to the five and why didn't they helped her?” 

Despite the fact that most of this comment is a little strange, you know what? They raise a very good question at the end there. As a team, the rest of the Five would have fought to free Tigress from her dangerous deal, but we don’t get to see any of that- we don’t get to see the rescue at all, actually. It just happens between Chapter One and Chapter Two, like *~maaaagic~*. And Po comes back to life! And I got a thousand dollars! And pigs flew!

A third comment reads, 

“At least the wolf got what he diserved in the end so did shen” 

…BUT WHAT DID THE WOLF GET IN THE END? Is it specified in the movie, and I’m just missing out because I haven’t seen it? I have no idea! I don’t care to find out!

Lastly, my favorite review of the twenty or so left for this fic is as follows: 

“This is a kung fu panda story: Tigress and Po walk through the forest but then... a wolf member appeared! It had a Bull pup Gun. He shot Po until Po died. Then the wolf aimed at Tigress. When she put her hand up to defend blood dropped down her breast from his claws...

Tigress was dreaming. Po was still alive. But she still woke up at Hospital. She remembered why,

she killed 10 wolves yesterday. Her heart was beating slow. She was weak. Then Viper comforted her. Tigress yawned then said 'Why am I so weak?' Po said 'I have no idea!' Weeks later when Tigress slept, at home.” 

This just about sums up my feelings about the fic in general, and clarifies a lot of the questions I had about it. It’s a great critique, and I can only hope Mitchicus took it to heart!

To top off this review, I’ve actually counted how many times Mitchicus has referenced a vagina or penis by another name:

‘Vagina’ descriptors:
‘mound’- II
‘pussy’- II
‘entrance’- I
‘cherry’- III
‘depths’- III
‘crevice’- I
total: twelve references

‘Penis’ descriptors:
‘member’- IIIIIIIIII
‘length’- I
total: eleven references

Now, please excuse me. I have a double-dose of brain-bleach to find, and a frontal lobe to deep-clean.