'New Life', a Sonic fic in which Periods Don't Exist and Sonic Strates to Cry

Hey all! Check this out- an update! The second one in a week! We are on a roll! With ComicCon looming overhead (two more weeks! two more weeks!), I've decided to procrastinate on like five costumes and important things to bring you another Sassy Installment to our Sassy Review Archives.

This time, it's a short Sonic fanfiction focusing on Amy Rose. If you don't at least know who or what Sonic the Hedgehog is, this is either your first time on the internet or you're actually four years old. And I think even four-year-olds play Sonic games nowadays, so there's that. You have no excuse. BUT, if for some (absurd) reason, you've got no idea what I'm talking about....

These are Sonic and Amy the Hedgehogs. Technically. (original artist unknown)

If I remember correctly, Amy has historically had a semi-requited crush on Sonic throughout the series, though that doesn't really come into play at all in the following fic. She can wield a giant ass-kicking hammer as a weapon, too... and that's about all I know about her, really. Oh, and she's pink. And a hedgehog.

That being said, please enjoy this fic by Mdllt on fanfiction-dot-net; "New life". As always, my commentary is in black, and the fic is in blue pink today! I believe this is an 'Alternate Universe' fic; one that bases the characters off of pre-existing content, but places them in settings not compliant with the source material.

And we're off!

save me

Hello my name is Amelia Rosetta I am 17 this is my story this might be be sad to read.

You heard Amelia Rosetta, folks. Grab you some snotrags, apparently you'll need them. Not me, I have a cold dead heart of ice as evidenced by the fact that I write these reviews.

 It all started when I was 5 years old my parents started to fight . They made up 4 years later and had my little brother I loved him.

...I think you're missing a few periods in there. Just a few. You use them like this. When you need to end a sentence, you put a small black dot after the last word, and it means the sentence is over. Just like this. This is an example. This too.

Also, holy shit. 'My parents didn't get along when I was five but then SKIP FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE and then they magically get along. Also three-years-three-months into it, they boned and now I have a baby brother. I guess I was kinda fond of him.' This kind of 'tell-not-show' writing is really, really weak and uninteresting...

When I was11 my parents got a divorce I was stuck with my dad he would work and I would stay home I was abused every day I need help but wouldn't speak up.

What did I say about periods? What. Did I just say. About periods.

I was afraid now that he raped me when he was drunk I was only 15 and I ran away I had 5 thousand dollars I went into a different city and I had work at a nice restaurant who paid me 30 dollars per hour I go to school under a different name I was now Amy rose the clubs dancer and singer
That... all of that is punctuated as a single sentence. Help me understand, Mdllt, do you expect people to breathe at all? My lungs feel pinched when I go through this in my head, let alone trying to read it out loud. Also... five thousand dollars at the age of 15? What the fuck job did you have that you could make that much money in your single year of legal employ of 18 hours per week or less? What restaurant pays $30/hour for you to shake your tiny 15-year-old ass for their patrons?

Isn't it nice of a restaurant to pay her $30/hr for dancing? Don't forget that every single time her age is mentioned, Amy's younger than eighteen. Just wanted to remind you of that wonderful fact. You pervert.

Oh, good, Chapter Two begins here.

Before daddy stated to rape me my friend cream took me to go on birth control pills she knew he stare to abuse me and shhe said " Amy we don't even know when he will try to rape you pleas do this for me your to young to be pregnant I want you to be able to life a better life than me"
While Cream (a cream-colored rabbit also featured in the Sonic titles) seems to be a very considerate friend here, she also needs to learn to punctuate. And spell. And someone pleas please teach this bunny the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. And one does not 'life' a life, one 'lives' it. ...What kind of life is Cream 'life-ing', that being sexually abused by a father figure is BETTER?

I really did treat her like a sister

Based on your family's history, I sincerely hope you didn't treat her like a sister...

and she was left at an orphanage as a little girl i was older than her by 1 1/2 year and I was lucky enough to have her my friend she was the only one of who didn't bully me and she run away with me after he started to rape me .

If she was left at an orphanage... how did the two of you meet? School? If you were older than her by that much, how would you have met, since you wouldn't share classes between different years? Only one of who that didn't bully you? You're telling us about your life, Amelia Rosetta, but all I'm coming away with is questions.

And... You, as a fifteen-year-old girl, convinced your thirteen-point-five-year-old friend to run away with you to a completely different city and make new lives on your five thousand dollars. And you miraculously landed a $30/hr club dancer/singer position when you were fifteen.

I don't know about the rest of you, readers, but I might be having a few issues suspending my disbelief here. Something about this seems... slightly implausible. Just a tad.

We went to school called the Bulldogs high school now I'll tell you for my life for right now
...Weren't you already supposed to be telling us about your life? Isn't that what you were just doing?

(Uncle's Voice:) ONE MO'E T'ING A point I want to address here, too, just to rip this topic off like the gross, overused, old, crusty band-aid it is; RAPE SHOULD NOT BE A DRAMATIC CRUTCH. Please, please, please understand this, fic writers; if you're using rape or sexual assault as your main drama-bomb, you are doing it wrong and are a terrible writer. There are SO MANY OTHER CONFLICTS to write about than forced sexual contact, and most (if not all) are more interesting and engaging for storytelling purposes. Rape as your go-to dramatic climax (HA) or your tragic backstory is just... weak. It's uninteresting and does a serious topic- and your fanfiction- a pretty harsh disservice. If the only way you can think of spicing up your story is by putting someone in a sexually compromising position, I'm gonna need you to step back and hit yourself in the face until you magically become more creative... or learn to stop writing. Either-or.  /endrant

and holy fuck if one more character is an orphan just to try to win instant pity I fucking swear i will fight someone, preferably the orphan

I shut up, and Chapter Three begins here. 

Its 7:40am I am going to meet up with the gang Black Bloody Roses

(*'My Immortal' Flashbacks*)

I love the sense of timing in this fic; let's skip four years of life in the first chapter, describe next-to-nothing in the temporally nebulous second chapter, and explicitly state the time of day in the third. Consistency! :D

I see the gang in the court yard where we meet up there was a new guy his hair was black with red highlights .

" what up guys who is the new guy?"
Look, Mdllt, if you really want people to understand where sentences stop and start, there are two basic things that need to be done. One is putting periods at the end of a phrase (which I believe we've covered already), and the other is putting a capital letter at the beginning of the phrase. It works just like this. See how you can easily tell how this should be read? Capital letters are larger than lowercase letters. They are the same letters but bigger.

And not bigger like this, either.

All of a sudden he is next to me and said " Hello Amelia Rosetta how have you been"
Now you're mixing two different verb tenses in a single sentence.

then all boy [ sonic, knuckles ,silver, scrouge , Miguel and tails ] sonic said " How the fuck do you know Amy's real name "
Yes, all the boy. All of boy said a question. Sonic even said it twice, he is so much all the boy.

shadow " We ll, put down the guns I know her twin brother who is fucking late again James"
Wait, when did guns come into this? Who the fuck is her twin brother, now? Does she mean the brother from chapter one, who is nine years younger than her? Is his name James?

I strated to tear up

Please strop.

zack and me have been spreated

Who the hell is Zack?
at such a young age we love each other and had a strong

...A strong what?

I noticed that cream came next to me and gave me a hug "Guys put the guns down. " 

HOLY FUCK THERE WERE ACTUALLY GUNS? A bunch of fifteen-year-olds just pulled a fuckload of ACTUAL GUNS on a new kid that asked the protagonist a question? I can't... I can't do this anymore.

DID YOU JUST TRY TO GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE MOTHERFUCKER? PREPARE TO ENJOY A HEARTY BREAKFAST OF HOLES IN YOUR TORSO YOU SON OF A BITCH

I got my gun and said "how much do you know about zack and me ?"

shadow" Well when you went missing me and him sreached for you for months .

Threy strated sreaching brut erventually hrad to strop.

he would say Amelia I wonder where you are at and start to say say all the things that you liked "

cream stated to giggle we all gave her a wtf look

Yeah, what the hell, Cream. How dare you be happy. And I refuse to type out 'fuck' despite using it in entirety not ten sentences earlier.

"wow Amy you and your brother did the same thing and talk about each other to different people "

sonic started to cry

Excuse me what

" what the amy I treat you like a brother and you don't tell me any things wahhhhhhh." sally hit him with the purse and said you "idiot stop making a seen (idk if I spelled that )"
Thank you, Sally. (And... I mean, yeah, you certainly did spell 'scene', though you didn't spell it correctly.)

all of sudden a green hair person came running into the boys did with shadow " really you going to fucking shoot me" they put their guns down.

WHO THE HELL GAVE THESE HIGH-SCHOOLERS ALL FIREARMS THAT THEY CLEARLY AREN'T OPERATING SAFELY WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA

" Zacky­poo can you get off of me .'' zack "wait only my sister calls me that rosy is that you " my eye started to twitch and the boys starte to giggle like girls and stop when I gave them death glared

Maybe don't hug-attack people if you're not sure whether or not they're your estranged maybe-twin sister. Just as a suggestion. And how DARE those boys giggle after immediately pulling guns on said hug-attacker. The moods in this 'seen' make total sense! I swear!

" what have I told you about calling me that name "

"I don't remember- we've been separated for literal years, right?"

" I'm sorry ema­chan (who the fuck is emachan? Please give everyone a name and stick with it! The protag has gone through FOUR DIFFERENT NAMES now!) its that I was checking if you were the real thing . dad said that you were drinking and just left the house with all of your thing ."

cream "that bastard why the hell dosent he really say what happened really he thinks that he should be getting away with beating and amy's v­card if I ever see him again next to my sister I'll kill him"
Yeah, beating and Amy's V-card. This is a capital crime, beating and V-card. It could earn someone up to eight mentions in a bad fanfiction, which is both cruel and unusual punishment. May the courts have mercy on your soul.

tails " Now sweet pea please calm down we don't want you killing any one just yet "

cream "kk" in her cheerful voice and a fake smile
Whatever anyone does, don't give them any guns.

zack " so that's what really happened Amelia " I nodded and started crying on him while hugging him. The gang got closer and we had a group hug anyone who know us knows that this was a heart touhing moment for the B.B.R. 

That's nice... I think. Too bad I don't know anything at all despite reading almost eight hundred words of fanfiction, otherwise this might be 'touhing'.

With that, dear readers, we have gone through all of 'New life', and what a journey it's been! I think I've just about covered what I was looking to say, and only want to leave you with one more thing...

...A fuckload of periods; please distribute them liberally throughout your writing- even at the end of sentences, should you feel so daring- and I'll throw in a dash of capital letters for you to use, too. Aren't I just so kind?

.....A.C..Y....

..RW......DN......S

......E...Q........G..M.......