Wow, internet. Just wow. We leave for two years and THIS is what you get up to while we're gone? For shame. For SHAME. We haul ourselves back here for some terrible, terrible fanfiction and what do we find?

Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE fanfiction. I don't know whether to be pleased or disappointed.

In the two-year gap we've had between our last review and this one, there's definitely been a lot of changes; we've each changed jobs, Fanfiction-dot-net no longer allows for straight highlight-and-copying, Saquarry and I got engaged... oh, and Star Wars. Star Wars is a thing.

Now, if you knew Saquarry and I (be thankful you don't), you'd know that we're, ah, excited for the Star Wars sequels coming out. Very excited. Stupidly, crazily, extremely excited. 'Went to two different stores at the midnight toy release' excited. 'Going to cosplay two different Star Wars couples at NYCC' excited.

So, we figured, what better way to break back into this blog than with a topically-relevant Star Wars story? Might as well get ourselves all geared up for the loads of verbal porn diarrhea that will inevitably hit the internet as soon as the movie releases. Or sooner. Or now. (Don't believe me? You don't know the internet.) To honor the new Star Wars movies, and to get our own selves back into the swing of this reviewing thing, please enjoy this critique of "Comfort" from Ahsoka1248 on Fanfiction-dot-net.

As is traditional, the fic itself will be in blue text, and my commentary will be in black text. There will also be swearing and (terrible) descriptions of sex in here. Honestly, that's basically all that'll be in here. Swearing and terrible descriptions of sex. Oh, and one other thing...

This. This is in there too. Just so you know.

Prepare your barf bags- I know I've got mine at the ready. And for those who don't know anything about Star Wars (what rock do you live under?), Leia is the badass mother of Jaina, Jason, and Anakin Solo. This all happens in the Expanded Universe Canon, so not the same universe as the movies. And this fic, thankfully, isn't official in either the movies or the Expanded Universe. We're safe there.

But! That's about all you need to know for this fic to instantly become gut-wrenching. Here we go...

Jaina's small frame was wracked with sobs. Leia gently massaged her teen daughter's back, tears in her own eyes. Jaina wrapped her small arms around Leia.

"Why did he have to die," she moaned.

Anakin had died two days before.

Okay. So, your brother has bitten the proverbial blaster shot... That's rough, buddy.Also, as a point of fact, it's a very hard mood to swing from 'death of family member' to 'depth of family's member' (HA). Maybe try to avoid this kind of intro in future fics- or, really, avoid future fics.

Please.

Jaina kissed Leia on the mouth. Jaina's tongue probed at the entrance to Leia's mouth. Leia shoved Jaina away.

"What the hell are you doing?"

And that, folks, is the absolutely last average sentence in the fanfiction. It only goes downhill from here. Now, pardon me, I need to reach my barf bag...

"Let me comfort you, Mom," Jaina said, as she leaned in to kiss Leia again.

*COUGH*

"Jaina, we can't," Leia protested.

Her protest changed to a moan of pleasure as Jaina's hand slid down her panties and began to massage her wet slit.

*HURK*

"Fuck, Jaina. That feels amazing!"

*GAG*

Jaina kissed Leia on the lips again, her free hand resting lightly on Leia's cheek.

As her other hand fingers her own mother. Just keep that in mind, folks. *WHEEZE*

Jaina's tongue probed at the entrance to Leia's mouth. Leia allowed entrance.

Because heaven forbid Jaina rape her mother; no, this parental incest has to be CONSENSUAL, damnit!

Jaina broke the kiss, and pulled off Leia's shirt. She pulled down Leia's pants, and kissed her mom again. Leia found herself growing wet as Jaina stripped off her own clothes.

...Wasn't she already wet? I thought when Jaina jammed her hand down there the first time (*HACK*), Leia was already... you know what, never mind. I don't want to pay attention anymore.

Jaina kissed Leia, and then broke the kiss again. She kissed Leia's neck,

Hey, readers. Want to play a game? Let's count how many times the word 'kiss' was used in those last one-point-five sentences! It's excessive! :D

sending a shiver of pleasure up the older woman's spine. Jaina's kisses drifted down Leia's chest, and she began to suck on Leia's left nipple while her left hand massaged Leia's left breast and her right hand played with the other woman's large right breast.

Okay, wait. Wait right here. Let me explain something- I have seen this so many times in fanfiction, and it pisses me off. A person's right breast corresponds with their right side, not with the viewer's right side. Allow me to demonstrate:

This is how some breasts look on people- but the LEFT and RIGHT never change. That's where they are.

So now I'm showing Jaina sucking on Leia's left nipple in green... (*HACK*)

...And now Jaina is playing with the LEFT breast with her own left hand... (*HURK*) 

Now, this scene has been (gross, but) anatomically possible so far. As shown above, it could be done. But then we add in that right-hand-to-right-breast bit, and...

Uhhh....

Hrm....

NOPE

Every single time I read a 'sexy' description, the lefts and rights and body parts are so often mashed together it's like someone dumped multiple horny mannequin pieces into a random pile on the floor and started to describe the sweaty groping that ensued. I want to start an Anatomy Awareness Week or something where everyone proofreads their smut to make sure no random limbs are, say, hypothetically extending out of stomachs or something to get their fondle on.

Jaina ceased sucking and rubbing. She buckled on a strap-on dildo. She pushed the length inside Leia,

Welp, that went from 'second' to 'home' really quickly. Bam, sudden dildo. 'You cool with this, Mom? I'm just gonna go right ahead even though you haven't said anything and yyyeeeeeeaaaaahhhh. Home run.' I hope you readers know I'm actually nauseous right now, by the way, though I guess I only have myself to blame at this point. And Ahsoka1248. Them too. speeding up the pace as she rammed in and out of the older woman. Leia climaxed, cum oozing out over the dildo. If you want this to seem really sexy, imagine someone squeezing a jar of mayonnaise out around a pickle. Hear that exact sound in your mind, over and over. Picture that mayo all oozy and thick and chunky. Now grab your barf bags! Jaina pulled out and removed the dildo from her body. Leia buckled it on as well and then pushed Jaina down on the couch. She pushed the length inside of Jaina, Secondhand dildo... Sexy. You know that should really get cleaned, right? Don't want to spread any (*CHOKE*) mother-daughter STD's here. ramming in and out of her young daughter (*BLAAAAAAGH*) until the younger woman cummed as well. They kissed again.

And that, thankfully, is all this fic has. I don't even have it in me (HA) to correct 'cummed'. I just... I need to go scrub myself clean. ...Or we could look at Ahsoka1248's profile, I guess. Just to put a cherry on top of this mayonnaise sundae.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And now, I need to shower. This mayonnaise is gross.