"That was stramgely erotic" Vivisection: The Avengers' Way

Hey, everybody! We're on a roll here, trying to write up a review a week, and I feel like doing something a little different. Yes. Different.

So, here's the thing dear, sweet readers: I do not like The Avengers. I do not like Marvel in general. I didn't enjoy the movie(s), the comics, or anything in between. Just kind of a personal thing, I guess. My biased opinion won't come in to play here anyway. I mostly wanted to add that to do nothing else than annoy any fans out there as well as to mention that I actually know a good deal about the content despite hating the characters, plots, etc. I assume this is because I am insane. Yes. Because a sane person would be reading and reviewing these terrible pieces of "work" that people call "writing."

How can I not be insane at this point anyway? There must be something wrong with me to read these terrible, horrid fanfictions and then get some perverse pleasure from ripping them apart until nothing is left but the sinewy underlayer. 

Wait. 

Oh, dear. I'm getting ahead of myself.

So, the picture I chose for the header tells you all of the beauty we are in store for. Science is right, Iron Man and the Hulk. Science is right. So, vivisection. Have you heard of it? I have actually performed it. I was a biology major in school. Fun fun, right? Sure, doing it on earthworms or frogs or whatever weird little creature you can find, that's one thing. Doing it on a person? That's something entirely different. If you don't know what vivisection is, well here it is in a nutshell: it is cutting somebody or something open while that creature or person is still alive, usually still conscious. I... can't even use a picture to describe vivisection because they are all far too graphic for even my tastes. Suffice it to say that you should not Google Image search the term vivisection. It is not a good idea. Fair warning.

Anyway, let's get the real show on the road. NoOneShallKnow gives us the brilliant 894 word story, "Proper tools." This- you know what? I'm posting a little bit about the author first. So, story will be in red, reviews in green, and any other info will be in blue. My thoughts and words will be in standard black.

My name is Jasmine. I'll be eighteen in April. I've been writing fanfiction (mostly porn) since I was twelve

Twelve?  Again?
What is it with twelve year olds and porn?

and I'm aware that it's mediocre at best. So are my drawings.

Well, I won't judge your drawings.

GENERAL DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of anything I write for, other than the work of fiction itself. 

So, what you're saying is that you only own the fiction you've written while not actually owning any of it at all? NoOneShallKnow, you're a self-contradiction.

I get no money out of it, which is probably why I'm broke (well, also because I'm jobless, but whatever.)

I haven't posted anything in two years. Because I haven't written anything in two years. I'm working on it, but my brain doesn't want to co-operate. We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Well, you wrote this gem last July. So, you must have started writing again. It's a miracle for everyone.

Just the light glinting off the edge of the scalpel's blade sent shivers down Bruce's spine, shivers he didn't quite feel but knew in the play of muscle against the cold table. 

So, he couldn't feel the shiver, but knew he was shivering because of... reasons? Not quite sure what you're trying to get at here, NoOneShallKnow. I assume you have no idea what you're talking about.

He licked his lips, watching as Tony stepped forward, body rippling 

Rippling? Does that mean he's shivering too? Not quite sure I've ever seen a body ripple before. Pray tell, mademoiselle, what does a person rippling look like? Can you describe it in more than one word? Or is it just the idea of a man with muscles having muscles? Because that's what it seems to often mean in these types of "works," even when the term does not mean what people think it means. I assume that a "rippling" man would be shaking and shivering all over constantly.

beneath the tight black and blue under-suit modified to absorb radiation. Bruce's eyes caught on the sharp line of a hip bone, rolling so perfectly within its joint, working seamlessly with Tony's spine to make his gait a thing of wonder.

Why are you describing this? Does any ANY person think that about another person? Have I ever seen an attractive female person and just gone, "Dear Lord, I am seeing your hip bone! That work of art hip bone works superbly with your spine! I mean, how aren't you just liquid grace right now? You must be the essence of a goddess!" No. I have not and never will because that is literally one of the stupidest things I have ever read in my entire life.

Tony stopped beside the lab table, brushing the heel of his hand over Bruce's shoulder as he moved to drag his fingertips over the dotted lines forming an uppercase "Y" on his torso, ending just above his belly button -which, Tony thought absently, was much too adorable to be normal.

I- I can't even grasp what must being going through a human head to think, "Boy oh boy, navels sure are attractive. I should write about a character thinking that about another character. It would be totally hot."

Look, hip bones and navels are not attractive portions of the human body. I have never heard of a single person having navel or hip bone fetishes. That is because nobody has them. It's fucking abnormal for everybody involved.

"Feel that?" he pressed down hard. A shake of the head. He dug a nail in. Another shake, this one with an indecisive little frown.

Yes, we know. Anaesthetic. Obviously. We're not idiots. You don't need to literally spell it out.

"Want more?" Bruce saw Tony's eyes flick over to the table and the prepped syringe on the metal tray beside a multitude of scalpels, a balisong -they were going to have a talk later about proper tools when Bruce could focus again- and forceps with colorful rubber bands already loose around them.

A balisong? Why? For any of you who don't know, a balisong is a butterfly knife. I have no idea why one is on an operating table.

"No."

...


.........

......Is- is it over? Can I stop reading now?

No, it's not by the way. I hope you don't lose your bile, by the way. The next part is, as the author puts it: They just got a bit curious. It wasn't supposed to go down this path. THIS IS A WARNING FOR EXPLICIT VIVISECTION.

Tony stared him down for another few moments before relaxing his shoulders with a nod, tugging the mask over his nose and mouth and bringing the scalpel to the left branch of the "Y." Bruce took in a deep breath and as he let it flow back out, Tony pushed down and dragged, tilting his hand at the last second to continue down the stem. He paused, watching the blood run from the cuts to pool in the hollow of Bruce's throat and drip from his shoulders onto the table. He bit the inside of his cheek and moved quickly to make the last incision, setting the bloody tool aside.

With a twitch of his fingers Tony called up a holo-screen. Bruce watched the program they'd written just days before start up and begin scanning in his peripheral vision, eyes following Tony as the man grabbed the forceps, gently pressing them on either side of the flaps of skin, tightening the rubber bands and pulling them back to open him to the sterilized lab air.

Bruce watched an almost tentative gloved finger press at his sternum, dragging through the blood to reveal the stark white of the bone before moving off to the side, pushing against the cartilage connecting it to his ribs. Tony's tongue darted out to run over his bottom lip and Bruce ground his teeth to muffle his moan.

What? Why? I don't want to know the answer. Is anybody else feeling uncomfortable? I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Tony looked awed, splaying his fingers wide over Bruce's ribs and pressing lightly with his entire hand to feel his lungs expand, watching his diaphragm move his liver lightly up and down. He trailed down to the slick bulge of his stomach, cupping it in his palm, closing his eyes to focus on the heat through the thin glove. When he opened them again, he looked up to find Bruce's eyes locked on his, cheeks flushed a soft pink, bottom lip bitten red.

How- HOW- is this sexual or attractive in any single FUCKING way? I mean, sure, I can almost see certain fetishes, whatever, but a vivisection fetish? Does any person like that kind of shit who isn't a serial killer? Or a potential one?

He grinned, rubbing along the edge of a rib to gather a drop of blood and smear it between his thumb and index finger. Bruce felt a faint coil of arousal

Fuck. FUCK. 

No.

Fucking no.

Nope.

No, just no. There is no arousal. THERE IS NO AROUSAL. Fuck. Come on, NoOneShallKnow, are you actually serious? Are you for real? This- this can't be for real. My thoughts would not be going, "Jeez, I am cut open right now, time to get stiff." My thoughts would be, "OH shit oh shit oh holy fuck shit shit shit." I would not be coherent so much as terrified and... no.

and wondered if Tony could see it inside him, a pressurized ball of heat that, under the effect of the numbing agent he'd been injected with, felt more like the tingling sensation of being touched after standing out in the cold.

The cold scientific thought of it is what gets to me. Let me tell you something, Jasmine. I'm going to use your supposed real name here because I'm reading this and that makes me privy to some of the sickening inner workings of your brain. 

Jasmine, your writing of this topic in such detail makes this more than a little creepy. You seem to be intelligent. Your grammar and writing are not poor In fact I have not mocked you for either, which is more than I can say about anybody else featured on this blog. You have an understanding of vivisection that I assume not many people do. I mean, it's weird knowledge, but it's still knowledge. So, I assume you're not stupid. And you seem to be decent at the whole writing thing. 

But this is what you want to write? This is what you choose to use your knowledge for? This is like something a deranged psychopath would write. And the cold precision of your words just makes me shudder even more so. This is what gets you hot under the covers? This is what you want to focus your free time on? And mixing it with arousal just makes the entire thing feel wrong. You can and should be doing better, concentrating on something that isn't weird and really nasty porn.

Also, how does he know he's aroused if he can't feel? 

Tony wanted to keep playing and Bruce very, very much wanted the same 

Play?

What.

NoOneShallKnow, this is really awful. Nobody wants these things that you're writing about these characters wanting.

-wanted to watch Tony cut through the cartilage holding his ribs to his sternum and crack his ribcage apart, open him up completely, push rough against his lungs to hinder his breathing, curl his fingers beneath and around his heart and feel it beat, speed up and up and up- but they couldn't, had to stop before Bruce lost enough blood to force the Hulk out and into a rage.

"Ready?"

This is your fucking concept? This is the brilliance of the vivisection idea? Oh, the Hulk can heal up. What if fucking Iron Man and the Hulk had a weird fetish thing going on despite the fact that neither has EVER shown the slightest amount of sexual interest in one another, and Iron Man, at least, seems to be clearly taken. He's also canonically very into ladies, not cut-open men or cutting open men, you sicko. 

So, please, what the fuck is the point of writing this sexual pairing in this fucked up and awful way?

Bruce didn't answer, just took a deep breath that pulled a groan from deep in Tony's chest 

Bruce Banner just took a deep breath that pulled a groan from Tony Stark?

So...

The breath was literally so deep that it came out of another person? Is that what I'm understanding here?

and spread his mind thin like a spiderweb, letting Hulk seep forward to fill in the gaps.

No. Your analogy license is revoked. Get out. You can use them again when you aren't writing this shit.

He wanted to watch Tony but couldn't not

A DOUBLE NEGATIVE. Sorry, it's not bad grammar exactly, but it sounds so stupid. Say it out loud. "He couldn't not..." See, you sound stupid.

look into his own body, watch the blood run slower and greener, bones going minty and growing. He reached to remove the forceps himself, knowing Tony couldn't be trusted to do much of anything at that point.

What in the flying fuck is Tony Stark doing? Is he masturbating furiously in the corner? is he so entranced by transformation while vivisected that he just needs to masturbate to it? That's the idea I'm getting.

And just the sight of Bruce's fingers brushing over his own muscle and bone and and and-

Tony couldn't think, could hardly breathe as he collapsed against the table and palmed himself

"Palmed himself?"

Did- did Tony Stark just facepalm?

Because that is all I can imagine right now. Bruce Banner is hulking out and Iron Man is facepalming at the indignity.

I honestly have never heard the term "palming oneself." That's a new way to say something as simple as "he jerked off."

through his hazmat suit, ducking his head to watch Bruce's skin go green and seal up before flushing pink again, the gorgeous thing he'd been inside just moments before -oh god oh god- whole once more and Tony wanted desperately to lick the faint silver scars. 

Lick?

...


I think I just became violently ill.

Excuse me while I puke forever.

He went to do just that but Bruce pushed himself up and forward, pulling his mask down to bite into his mouth and griping his face with bloodied fingers.

"Griping," eh? Missing a "p" there. Glad you screwed up actually. I needed to see something other than that. And seeing a spelling mistake doesn't make my bile rise.








...usually.

"Next time, I want to feel it all, want you to touch my heart, god Tony I want you so mu-"

And Tony lost himself.

So, he came? Okay.

Well, that was pretty awful. Let's start with the positives.

...

....

Yeah, okay, uh- well, NoBodyGonnaKnowNothin, you can write decently. You have decent control of both spelling and grammar. You can string sentences together into things that are called paragraphs. For that, I have to praise you. I've seen far too many of these things that don't have proper understanding of spelling, grammar, language, or writing. At least you know the basics of not screwing up the easy stuff.

That's all for the positives, I'm afraid.

NoOwensAllowed, you are writing terrible content that is appealing to no sane individuals. The characters do not matter. That these are Avengers' characters doesn't matter except for the self-healing Hulk. The characters act nothing like their characters in any way, shape, or form. This is pure smut and disgusting shit without context or content. And the smut is only ever implied, not even spelled out in real words and terms that actual humans use but rather with slightly off-kilter poetic language. I mean, seriously? "Palming?" Seriously?

Okay, I'm done with you AllMustKnow.

Now, for reviews!

Lotus-brody is heaping on the praise: Reading again and holy cow... erotic, such an unusual idea. As usual, you take words and spin a beautiful vision, just enough description to paint a haunting picture. Wow.

"A haunting picture?" Really? Have you ever read anything besides shitty fanfictions? There is no haunting picture here, you sick fuck. This is a weird and brutal fucked-up trying-to-be erotic "story" that should never and will never be erotic. It is decently written, but has no purpose, no deeper meaning, no anything at all. While the idea is certainly different, it is not erotic. How could one call Tony furiously palming himself while the Hulk heals on an operating table "erotic?" Fucked up will always be mre like it.

MoonyDanny is... excited. Wow. I mean... Wow! You managed to make a seemingly disgusting thing into a strangely intriguing and shockingly erotic situation. 

Amazing. :) 

"Shockingly erotic?" Are- ar eyou actually serious? This is awful and weird. There is nothing erotic about this. At no point did I suddenly find myself hard and furiously masturbating to this. At no point will any sane person find themselves aroused by this material. In fact, I was sure this writer had to be a troll-writer at first, writing this to prove a point or something, but there is no way with this kind of response. You guys are all sick. This is not a good thign to enjoy. It is not only not socially acceptable, it is wholly disturbing on every single level.

SniperKingSogeking0341 says what we're all thinking: ...Excuse me...I'll be in my bunk...*p*

I'm not even going to comment on that one.

Mistresofmordor: That was stramgely erotic. I kind of want more of it.

That was stramgely erotic.

stramgely

And of course, how could we forget the most loyal of readers, SugaBee? I loved it. The vision was so real, your words so picturesque and beautifully dark, and you absolutely did a marvelous job with the emotions these two have, 

Emotions? Are you fucking serious? 

No, I really need to know. Are you fucking serious?

What the fuck emotions did you see? Because all I got was two people getting off in the most fucked-up way without any fucking character development, set-up, or pay-off. Out of character sex doesn't even BEGIN to describe what the fuck this is. This is not simply out of character, nor is it simply sex. This is something infinitely worse in every single way. 

We didn't fucking see any-fucking-thing that would lead me to fucking believe that these fucking cardboard cut-outs called "characters" in a weird fetish fanfic are anything more than fucking flatworms in terms of their fucking emotional depths. Pain, gore, and weird fetishes. That's really fucking deep. My mind is fucking totally blown. It's like I'm seeing a whole fucking new world of possibilities. 

Your comment, SugaBee, has finally made me see the error of my ways. I see that NobodyIsReal- or whatever the fuck the author calls herself- is an actual genius of the genre. She has given the world a perfect narrative about love, lust, and how far one is willing to go to make their lover happy. You all have no idea what the fuck perfection even is until you read this fucking 894 word story about Tony Fucking Stark and Bruce Shitting Banner blushing, being slightly aroused at incredibly fucked-up serial killer-like shit, and "palming" the fuck out of themselves- whatever the flying flipping farting fuck that fucking is supposed to fucking mean.

Fuck.

You know something? All the writers of the world? Pack it up. We've seen poetic perfection on the grandest of scales. A vivisection Avengers' fanfiction has literally transcended all other forms of fiction. Aren't you fucking proud of yourselves? Fanfiction is now a legitimate artform. Let's go shart fucking rainbows and puke up bunny rabbits because that's what we all fucking deserve for even deigning to grace our eyes with this beautiful work of fiction that NoOneShallKnow has brought to us just as Moses brought the Ten Commandments down from Sinai.

Get the fuck out.

No. Even better. I'm leaving.

Fuck this.

you turned something as stomach wrenching as a vivisection into something poetic, something shockingly intriguing. 

You trully have a gift, and have become my fave author. :)

Your loyal reader,
Suga Bee