A Good Place to Get a Fuck

Original artist unknown. It's probably better that way.

Hey! New contributor to the SFFA here. I'm Cgeezman, Saquarry's girlfriend, and I've read more than my fair share of bad fanfiction. I've been on the internet for over a decade now, and some of these just... amaze me. I'm always finding new lows I was previously unaware authors would sink to; I guess I enjoy tormenting myself with ever-worsening tales of depravity. Hurraaaaaaaah.

Honestly, as far as bad fanfictions go, I don't think this one is so terrible. It's on the shorter side and the kink isn't even really squicky (voyeurism), but... It's just poorly done. I can't even. I'm starting out slow with this one, and will probably work on to longer and/or more deviant fics.

I'm sure most readers have played Neopets at least once in their lives- visited the site, had a pet, abandoned it after a few months or so of playing. Maybe they've even kept up with it, or have revisited recently and kicked back up their account (like I have). And honestly, I knew Neopets fanfiction existed, but I've never been into the furry/anthro scene. It's just not for me. I can't even properly imagine these little things going at it- I mean, really. Do you know what Neopets look like?

THIS is what a Neopet can look like.
Now imagine it with a penis.

Do you understand how I can't take this seriously? I cannot imagine sexualizing these pet-pixels... But apparently, purpleunity321 can picture it quite clearly. They've made this small gem, I'm In Heaven, and it's about a nondescript Neopian family on vacation... with one of the children eventually finding a couple rutting like there's no tomorrow. One of the two lucky Neopets is Garin, a pirate captain.

This is Garin. He is a yellow Usul.
Would you like to see what a non-costumed Usul looks like?

Of course you do. This is also a yellow Usul.
Now imagine them fucking, and try to take yourself seriously as a person ever again.

Garin's lover is Allador, a Gelert assassin. I think this character is original to purpleunity321, at least, since extensive searching (read as: ten minutes of google and the Neopets Wiki) has turned up no known character with that name- or, at least, that spelling. Point being, this is what a Gelert looks like.

Now available in blue, red, yellow, green, and assassin-
for all your fanfiction needs!

Now that you're basically aware of what characters we're dealing with here, I'll leave you to the actual meat of the story (the meat is fucking). All of purpleunity321's text will be in red (because fuck purple, okay?), and my commentary will be in black.

Partly/kind of/not really sequel to "Dirty Little Secret" Though not as good. Enjoy! Smut, use of curse words, voyeurism, furries, anthros, and dark dirty little secrets. Don't likey, back clicky. Song!fic.
I do not own Neopets; I just sometimes play on the song, which is by ATC (I'm in Heaven). I really own the girl, that's it.

I should mention, a songfic is where the author takes the lyrics of a song and merges them with their own writing in an attempt to combine the mood or gist of the song with their work.

They usually suck.

(Earlier)
"Come along children!" cried a female to the three neopets, laughing as she spun around.

A female... what? There's about fifty different Neopets this 'female' could be. I guess you just really don't care about this character at all, do you?

"booooooook…pay attention for once," complained the lupe of the group.

Bok? Book? Why is this not capitalized? Why is Bo(o)k not paying attention?

Also, this is a lupe, for reference.

I guess this author REALLY likes dogs.

The girl laughed again.

When did she laugh for the first time? Did I miss a sentence somewhere?

"Why shouldn't I? We're at Krawk Island!" she crowed, then ran off to look at some random shiny thing. The lupe sighed. Everything to her was a game, every trinket a toy. It got old quickly...

You're telling me.

you captured me with a stare
I'd follow you anywhere
You lead me into temptation
condition me to enjoy
I'm like a kid with a toy
I'm losing my concentration

This... doesn't quite fit the image we were just given of a hyperactive, inattentive, irresponsible 'girl'. I assume she's some species of Neopet, but we're left to wonder. 


(Later)

Yes, it would be happening later than the post marked 'earlier'.

"nnnnhn…Gods Allador! Harder!" cried the pirate usul as his lover pushed into him. They were in a hotel, on Krawk Island, were it was filled with pirates and such. But it was also a good place to get a fuck.

A good place... to get a fuck. How does one get a fuck? What happens if they run out of fuck? Can the fuck factory break down, or something?

"Hello, sir, I'd like to purchase one measure of your finest fuck." "I'm sorry! But we're fresh out of fuck. We simply have no more fucks to give. Can I interest you in a well-sized screw, instead? Or perhaps a sample of sleeping around?"

Allador and Garin rented a room for the week, Garin saying, "he needed to do something important" and Allador merely said "vacation". It hadn't pleased Garin's crew and The Darkest Faerie so well, but the complied. Mostly.

What do you mean, they 'complied mostly'? If your ship captain says he's got some important shit to do without you, there's really nothing for you to comply with. There's not even a 'mostly' about it.

"Aim your face at the camera, Love," panted the assassin and he pushed into Garin. Garin moaned, only this time, not with pleasure but embarrassment.

I am displeased at your improper capitalization of names and titles, purpleunity321. This is your second infraction. One more, and I have to call the Capital Police.

"Why are we doing this again?" Garin gasped when Allador pushed out. The gelert chuckled.
"Because The Darkest Faerie has a dark secret: she loves yaoi," replied the slick voice behind his back and he pushed back in. Garin moaned.

THE DARKEST OF SECRETS.

"Well-Oh Fyora Allador, do that again!" The Gelert Assassin snickered and complied.

For those who don't know, Fyora, the Faerie Queen, is the equivalent of Glenda the Good Witch (from The Wizard of Oz), and the Darkest Faerie is like the Wicked Witch of the West. I'm pretty sure that the Faerie you're recording the porn tape for wouldn't appreciate you moaning her rival's name like she was God in the middle of her sex film. Might take her out of the mood, you know.

Also, you're missing a comma in between 'Fyora' and 'Allador'. Just saying.

Garin moaned at the intense stare he was getting from the Gelert. It was so intense, so filled with love and lust and dominance, that Garin felt his stubbornness wilting…his concentration faltering…pleasure overriding his senses…he couldn't get enough of it…he was on fire…

I imagine that you might get a little distracted if you were on fire. Maybe you should stop fucking and take care of that little problem.

One kiss from you I'm on fire
your touch is all I desire
One look and you take me higher
You know I couldn't resist
Yeah I miss
every time I'm with you
Every time that we kiss
(Earlier)

Oh, shit, are we going to time-skip in here? Let's make this non-linear, bitches!

"Where are we going?" sang the girl.

Weren't you supposed to be going with that 'female' mentioned in the first sentence of this story and then never heard from again?

"No." book pouted at the lupe.

WEEWOOWEEWOO THIS IS THE CAPITAL POLICE, COME OUT WITH THE FIRST LETTERS OF ALL PROPER NOUNS UP!

Also, you didn't answer the question. "Where are we going?" "No." ...What? ...And why the hell were you pouting?

"Awww, you're no fun!" They were at the pier, a shady part of it. The mynci looked around nervously.

When did a mynci (a monkey-like Neopet) get here? Is Book a mynci? Will we ever know the answers to these questions? No, because purpleunity321 doesn't answer any. Even the ones they ask themselves.

"Umm…book…maybe we should go." The gelert and the lupe eagerly nodded their heads.

I SAID COME OUT WITH THOSE CAPITAL LETTERS HIGH IN THE AIR WHERE WE ALL CAN SEE THEM!

"Yeah; like Mystery Island!" cried the girl gelert. Book stopped skipping and tilted her head.

The fuck? This is the dialogue.

"Book, maybe we should go."
"Yeah, like Mystery Island!"

What's like Mystery Island? Book? Yeah, she's an enigma wrapped in a mystery, tied with a neat bow of a puzzle. And she's an island.

"Guys…you go on back. I need to check on…something." The neopets were gone in a flash.

Book turned and followed the faint sound she heard, the sound of moaning.

Either she has some super ears, or Garin and Allador are being loud. Why couldn't the other Neopets hear that?

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I go crazy when you kiss me
Show me how you miss me
Take me with you back to wonderland
You know I couldn't resist
Yeah I miss every time I'm with you
Every time that we kiss

Yes, because a young girl (Neopet.... something) running away from the three others she's travelling with really fits the lyrics. It's stupendous and really sets the proper mood!

(Later)

Fuck this time-skipping. Seriously.

"A…" gasped Garin as Allador grasped the usul's cock, slowly sliding up and down. "oooh…" moaned the pirate.

I have never read anything as sexy as 'grasped the usul's cock'. Remember what an usul is, dear readers? This is an usul.

Now grasp its cock.
Sexy, right?

The assassin chuckled contently.

*contentedly

"You're doing lovely, my beauty," he whispered into the sensitive ear of Garin's. The usul gave a gasp and the hand went low to fondle his balls.
"Please…" the bottom whispered. "please…" Garin could feel the smirk turned into a smile on his back.
"As you wish; She already got a pretty good show," the slick voice hissed and he gave the cock one last pump. Garin came with a passion.
"AH!!!"
"ALLADOR!!!!"
And Allador couldn't get enough of it.
He couldn't get enough of Garin, because without him, he would go insane…

I dunno, Allador, you're already sliding down the slippery slope of madness. You're fucking one of these things, remember?

"AH!!!" "ALLADOR!!!"

I'm not going to go into that sex scene, either- but I will say that "fondle his balls" is another one of those phrases that tends to be a little bit of a mood killer, regardless of what species' balls are being fondled.

I dream of you every night
feels like I'm losing my mind
this feelins just getting stronger
my head is spinnin around
you play with me but I'm bound
I can't resist any longer

"Where…?" muttered book as she searched for that sound. It was getting louder. She turned a corner. Sounds of words were heard. She started to run.
'I sense…'

Wait... no '(Earlier)'? Are we finally synced up on the timeline?

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I go crazy when you kiss me
Show me how you miss me
Take me with you back to wonderland
You know I couldn't resist
Yeah I miss every time I'm with you
Every time that we kiss

"That was the best sex ever," sighed Garin. Allador hummed with agreement.

"And you know, the best part was that we did it all on camera for your boss."

"And you know what's the best part?" Allador looked at Garin curiously.
"What?"
"That you get to stay with me, during the afterglow," grinned Garin, tracing circles on Allador's chest. The seme snorted.

"Well, yeah, that too, but. I mean. Come on, camera. For my boss."

"I thought it was when I let you cum," the gelert assassin replied slyly. Garin blushed and mock punched his shoulder.

"No, that part sucked."

"Pervert," he muttered and his love chuckled.
Suddenly a noise was heard.

Noises do tend to be heard, yes.

"What was that?" Allador's ears pricked up. Garin yawned.

"Probably nothing; come on, get back to bed," ordered Garin. Allador just laughed and pulled him down into his embrace.

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland

I'm in heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
Ooh its heaven when you kiss me
Heaven when you kiss me
You were sent to me from wonderland
I go crazy when you kiss me
Baby don't resist me
Take me with you back to wonderland
You know that I'm hypnotized by your eyes
and I just can't resist
Every time that we kiss

(Outside)
book stared at the couple.

WE'RE GOING TO SAY IT ONE MORE TIME- CAPITAL LETTERS. PROPER NOUNS. UP.

She saw everything.

Where the hell were you, that you saw all of that? Did you get inside their hotel room? ...Were they fucking on the pier?

'Holy…' she thought with wide eyes, ducking down.

'That…was…'"Amazing…" whispered book, clutching at her nose.

"Amazing…"

"Yeah, 'amazing'..."

You know that I'm hypnotized by your eyes
and I just can't resist
Every time that we kiss

As long as you can resist ever writing something like this again, I think we're good.