Adventure Time is a great little cartoon series on Cartoon Network. I think it's a cartoon that should be watched by everybody. It's brilliant, and really takes off in unexpected and often pretty awesome directions. It's a show about adventures, mostly involving a young boy and his dog, but also involving the people around him in a post-apocalyptic world. Hell, it kind of sounds like A Boy and His Dog come to think of it, except way less mature and much more full of little jokes.
It's a really fun show, and although it has many interesting and mature themes, not one of them could be considered- oh, I don't know- weird and sexual... and did I mention weird?
I have three, yes THREE fanfictions today! Why? Because I haven't written these things in a while, and because all of them have something terribly, horribly wrong with them. They're all on the shorter side too, so there's always that. Anyway, let's get the show on the road with "The Stripper and the Hero" by Whoswatchingyou.
Now, Whoswatchingyou has requested leaving no "rude reviws." So, to respect the wishes of this brilliant writer of things of fiction, I will not be rude or leave a "reviw" that might make Whoswatchingyou feel bad. I, instead, will focus entirely on showing my feelings on this fanfiction in pictures alone.
The Stripper and the Hero
Marceline was called a slut at school.
Lots of times.
Mostly because she was a stripper.
 |
| I know it's bad, Jesus. I know. |
She was in college, and she needed her job to pay for the apartment she lived in. Finn was a student at her school as well. Finn had never dated one girl, let alone kiss one, but saved tons of girls.
He was the school hero. One day when Marceline went to work, just before it was her turn to go on, she saw Finn in the crowd. She went to the stage in her cowgirl outfit.
 |
| Unrelated picture of Marceline totally not stripping. Because she's a cartoon character. You sickos. |
It was a vest that started at the tip of her boobs and ended 1 inch below the end of her boobs. And she had a skirt that started at the top of her "happy area"
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and ended at the top of her thighs. She had underwear on, but no bra. Finn's eyes widened in the crowd.
Marceline walked up to the pole, looked into the crowd, and rubbed her stomach against it.
That has to be cold. Brrrr.
She climbed the pole a bit and wrapped her legs around the pole tight. Her hands let go, and near the bottom they grasped it again. Her back humped the pole.
 |
| So. Sexy. |
The people in the crowd cheered and wooted.
Woot.
I've never actually heard a person say "woot" before.
I never want to hear it either.
Don't you "woot" at me. I'm warning you. Yes, you.
She flipped back on to the stage and another girl came out in a bandit outfit. She had a black "shirt" that covered her tits and small black shorts. Marceline took the other girls bandit shirt off and took her cowgirl shirt off. They rubbed their tits against each others. Soon they started humping each other. Marceline took her skirt off and went off the stage. All she had on was underwear. She started dancing like a whore and people put tons of money in her underwear. She went up to a man and licked his cheek. She went up to Finn and made out with him.
She didn't usually do this, but since it was Finn's first time, he would never know that Marceline REALLY liked Finn. The crowd focused on the girl with shorts. Marceline stopped swapping spit
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with Finn and went back on stage. She made out with shorts girl. Marceline didn't like it, but it was part of her job, and her boss said guys find it "sexy." At the end of the night, everyone left besides Finn and Marceline. Marceline still had just underwear on. She sat at the end of the stage, looking sad. Finn sat next to her and put his arm around her.
"I never knew you worked here." He said
Period.
"Of course you did. Everyone knows that. I'm called a ho at school! EVERYONE knows I'm a stripper and work here."
"I don't listen to gossip. It just hurts other people's feelings. I save people, not destroy them."
"That's good, Finn. The first girl who dated you was very lucky!"
"I've never dated anyone."
"That's… that's surprising Finn. But I've never dated either so I shouldn't be talking."
"You were my first kiss too."
"You were too Finn."
"And I think I know who my second is going to be."
They leaned in to kiss. Their lips pressed. At first it was light. Then Marceline stuck her tongue in Finn's mouth. Finn's tongue lunged at Marceline's and they didn't dominate at all. All that happened was their tongues moving circular against each others. Finn's hands lunged at Marceline's ass. Marceline bit his lip gently to make him stop. Marceline stopped it and put on a tank top. Finn said goodbye and left. A few minutes after, Marceline locked up and went home.
*Next day*
"Ok Jake! I did your fucking dare man! Give my 20 bucks!" Finn said obviously pissed.
"You went to her stripper club and kissed her?" Jake asked surprised.
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| Jake the dog talks like Bender from Futurama. |
"Yeah you dickhead and give me my MONEY! I did it, ok! I kissed the whore! GIVE ME MY MONEY!"
"Why are you so pissed man?"
"I was her first kiss you shithead! I feel so fucking guilty, man! Give me money! I want to get her something!"
Jake handed Finn the money. Finn turned the corner of the hall and saw Marceline running with her face in her hands and she made a loud sobbing sound. Her books were in a giant scattered pile. She was a brainiac and she still left her books there. Finn ran after her. Finn caught up to her when she was in a ball next to the wall, sobbing in her arms. Finn reached to hug her. She shoved him away.
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT, FINN! SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT I WAS MORE THAN A SLUT! I WAS WRONG! TERRIBLY WRONG!"
"No, Marceline! It started as a dare! But when you kissed me I wanted to leave but I was attracted to you like a fucking magnet!
I like you, Marceline! A lot! I always have, and my family kicked me out of my house because I still liked you when you got your stripper job! I now live with Jake and he's the biggest asshole ever because he KNEW I like you!"
"YOU CALLED ME A WHORE AND STILL WANTED YOUR MONEY!" Marceline started walking away. Finn reached for her shoulder and she kicked him in the balls.
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE JACKASS!" Marceline screamed and ran off.
Finn sat where Marceline was sitting. The day ended and Finn went to the store and bought a rose. He walked to Marceline's apartment and knocked on her door. Marceline opened it and scowled at him.
"What do you want 'hero'?"
Hmmm, I suppose, "nice try" would be saying a little too much, wouldn't it? This is where I point out that I am incapable of being nice to crappy fanfictions, and have to unbutton my mouth-fingers to type a little more about this particular "gem." It is borderline awful writing, with obvious faults and inconsistencies all around. Why anybody would want to write about Marceline being a stripper and Finn being a bro is completely beyond my comprehension or analysis. While mostly inoffensive, it certainly doesn't succeed at doing anything particularly well.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go to chapter 2:
"To apologize. I really like you."
Finn put the rose in her hand.
"Thanks for the snack." She sucked the red out of the rose petals. She tossed it in her apartment.
Ah, so even in this alternate reality, she's totally a vampire in college. I completely and totally buy into this premise.
"I'm sorry I called you a whore, Marceline. I like you a lot. And having an awesome vampire as a
girlfriend would be-"
"I forgive you and I will be your girlfriend. Now get in here." Marceline interrupted.
I... you... Whoswatchingyou, you can't do that. You can't write that. Look, if I called my current girlfriend a "whore" she would make me beg for forgiveness, like on my knees and not in ANY kind of sexual way, I mean seriously begging and snotting all over for forgiveness because you don't do that to someone. And even if she did accept my apology, I'd still be in the doghouse for days, if not weeks, afterward pleading that I was only kidding around because a fanfiction told me to say it to make the girls go wild for me. Okay? This is both unrealistic and laughably stupid. No girl is ever going to suddenly be like, "Yup, dude called me a whore. Time to date him because he's a real winner." No, any self-respecting human being is going to not get into a situation like that. And I would probably judge Marceline as the type of person who would not deal with that shit.
So, fanfiction writer, Whoslineisitanyway, you really need to learn what a relationship is and how it works. Because it doesn't work the way you think it does.
Finn walked in. Marceline had a bigger living room than most apartments. It had a hot pink sofa, a lavender
loveseat and a rather large television showing a vampire surviving network. There was a small pink coffee
table with a half gray fruit punch glass on it.
"Want to see my room?" Marceline said seductively.
"Doesn't everybody?" Finn asked being he's a fucking douchebag.
"Are you on the pill?"
What? You can't ask that. Just pull out a goddamn rubber. If you don't have one, just don't have sex right then. Easy as pie. I know. I know. Fanfiction. What else could I expect? Sense? Adherence to some of the rules of society? No. Of course not. I must be brain-dead.
Finn asked obviously nervous.
"Does it matter?"
No, Marceline. That's not a good answer.
Before he could answer Marceline started kissing him. They moved swiftly to the open door of Marceline's
bedroom and plopped on her Hello Kitty bed. Marceline took off her shorts and took off Finn's. Finn
shoved his hands in her underwear. Marceline took off her underwear instead. He took off Marceline's long
sleeved shirt. He rubbed his hands on the cup of her bra. Marceline took off Finn's shirt. Finn unhooked
Marceline's bra and lowered his head to her breasts. He sucked on her left nipple and felt it harden. He
started sucking harder. Marceline took off Finn's underwear.
Wow, so many little sentences for essentially saying, "They stripped one another."
She started licking his happy area (since I am a girl, it is weird to say something like cock or dick so I'm going to stick with happy area :D).
What. What.
What?
WHAT?
YOU JUST TYPED IT. YOU JUST DID. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN RED. WHY ARE YOU EVEN WRITING THIS AWKWARD SMUT IF YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO WRITE WORDS THAT YOU DO WRITE ANYWAY? Okay. I'm calm and nice. Calm and nice.
Look, Whosdoingthings or whatever you're called because I don't want to type your name out again, you can't say it's weird for you to say something then say it anyway. Why didn't you just type it out in the first place? And what does you being a girl have anything to do with typing out a word? Because it's a *naughty* *gigglegiggle* word of the opposite sex?
Grow up a little if you want to write this shit. Seriously. If you're going to write about two people essentially fucking, then write it, don't sugarcoat it, say you're sugarcoating it, then use not sugarcoating anyway. We don't need to know your thought process for choosing or not using specific words or phrases.
Oh, by the way, since I obviously am twelve and can't write the word "penis" without giggling like an infant seeing his father disappear and then reappear with a "peek-a-boo", I'm going to retcon my use of the word "penis" and make it more family friendly. Thus, every time I write the word "penis" just imagine I'm actually writing "lil' wiggler."
She saw he was cumming. She licked the cum instead of his happy area(There it is again!).
Finn stuck his happy area in her clit.
"AAAAAA" Marceline screamed.
It soon turned to moaning. Finn went faster and faster with the thrusts each moan Marceline slipped out of
her piercing red lips.
Um, where is sentence?
They heard a knock at the door. They completely ignored it. The knock continued for 3 minutes. They finally decided to put on clothes. Marceline opened the door.
"Jake?" Marceline asked," What are you doing here?"
"I came to take you away." Jake said
What?
"JAKE! I TOLD YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOU! LEAVE!"
Finn walked up to the door.
"Why are YOU here, Pipsqueak?"
Marceline grabbed Jake by the neck.
"Don't you DARE call him that ever again."
Jake struggled but couldn't get out of Marceline's clench.
"Let go of me bitch!"
Finn grabbed his sword and put it at his neck, threatening to set it in. Jake said something he would regret
because when he said it, Finn slit his throat.
Wow, that was... unexpected.
Marceline sucked in the blood so no one would see it.
************************************3 months later!****************************************
Marceline looked shockingly at the pregnancy test.
"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID!"
You could have told Finn to go get a rubber. Or you could have told him to wait. Or you could have just simply not had sex with him right there and then.
Finn knocked on the closed bathroom door.
"Everything alright Marceline?"
Marceline walked out of the bathroom with a slightly bigger belly and the positive pregnancy test in her
hand.
**************************************6 months later************************************
Marceline was holding their baby girl in her hands.
"Julie?"
"Ew, Finn. No."
"Minn?"
Marceline glared at him.
"Moving on…." He said looking away from Marceline's flaming eyes.
Finn took their baby in his arms and looked into her eyes. They were a light magenta and blinked
constantly.
"Meadow?" Finn asked.
"Finn, are you even trying?"
"I love it!"
No one loves that name.
So you can imagine the awesome life they lived. They had 2 more kids and loved all of them. They had
Grandchildren.
Proper fucking noun Grandchildren.
Their whole life was complete.
THE END
Whoscatchingmildew, you are... yup, moving on.
The next lovely, wonderful fanfiction is by Gmanny212 (such an original name for such a talent). I have nothing to add to this one for now. Gmanny212 hasn't told me to be nice, so I feel compelled to analyze until my little heart (3 times too small) is content.
The Feud
By Gmanny212
This story is a bit cheesy... I was just bored... :P
One day in the Land of Ooo, Finn is invited to go to his girlfriend, PB's place. She opens the door, wearing lingerie,
Comma? Hmm. Really? I know they're kind of close on the keyboard together, but they look different enough. Proofreading is always a good idea.
"He-Hey!" He is excited because he knows what is going to happen, He is holding a bottle of wine.
"Come right in, tiger." Those words made his heart thud happily, a bohemian rhapsody sung through his heart...
Are. You. For. Real?
I think, when I am in the midst of wooing, someday, at some point, I will whisper, "A bohemian rhapsody is singing through my heart."
He opened the bottle, they shared a glass of wine together, then went upstairs.
No character development, Gmanny212? No, long stretches of them talking to one another, eyes catching, chests heaving in anticipation? No, we're just going to say, "Yup, they had some wine and went to get busy?" I mean, okay... it's your fanfiction.
"So, what is next baby?"
WHAT. IZ. NEXT. BABY?
That's the first thing I say before getting it on. Obviously it makes the girls go wild.
"You'll see..." as she was already taking her clothes off...
"Oh glob yesh!" Finn was thinking, just waiting for the moment to strike...
She then started taking off his clothes, her stripped down to the bare flesh, his heart just thumping, he starts to lift off his shirt from his body. He removes his hat, revealing his lushious hair, as she slips his pants off, he lifts her on top of him, they start to have intercourse.
I love the use of "intercourse" at the end of the awkwardly described pre-sex. It's such a classy word to use in this context.
"Lucious" by the way, not... what you wrote.
"Oh... Finn! Harder...YES YES!" She was moaning, begging for more...
Trailing off...
...just a little...
...bored...
Oh, and here we have a screw up! It seems that Gmanny212 has gotten tenses confused! Oh, the inhumanity!
Finn starts to thrust harder, making her gyrate, he is kissing her tender flesh, licking it, savoring it... the perfect evening, untill...
Extra "l" to savor as we wait for what will happen.
Flame princess walks in...
She...
...trails off too...
...just...
...watching...
"FINN!" She flipped out, "HOW COULD YOU!"
"YOU WERE THE ONE THAT DUMPED ME!" Finn screamed at her.
"WHY WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THAT BITCH!"
"HEY! LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS!"
This story just became intense.
She was so fueled with rage that she lit up like a bonfire, in fueled with a burning hatred...
"in fueled with a burning hatred..."
"in fueled with a burning hatred..."
"in fueled with a burning hatred..."
"I WILL KILL YOU BOTH!" She screamed as she shot a fireball at them, as Finn flipped PB and him onto the floor, missing.
"Grr! YAAA!" She was rushing towards them, Finn ran outside, with her in his arms... Finn barricaded Peebles in her pantry, as he said
"I'll be right back!" he then grabbed his sword, and went to fight her off.
Give me a context for which "her" you are talking about.
"Flame Princess, I don't want to hurt you, please leave!"
"Oh yeah Finn, you wouldn't hurt me... but I WILL!"
She'll hurt me?
she then ran over and flung a fireball at Finn, he flipped over her, kicking the back of her head.
"I will protect myself!" Finn screamed, on the ground behind her.
She turned around and kicked him in the face, leaving a burn mark.
"YOUR DEAD!"
Uh... You know what? Nope. I'm out.
She screamed as Finn picked her up, burning himself.
"OOOWWWW!" He screamed, tears streaming down his eyes
She grabbed him by the throat, and tried to choke him, his throat began to burn, limiting his ability to breathe, he ran outside with her, nearly to the point of passing out, and threw her in a nearby pond, him collapsing to the ground.
"I Should've
Proper noun.
done this years ago... You Crazy Bitch!"
"You Crazy Bitch" is the real name of Flame Princess. Yup.
he said with the last bit of breath he had left over.
Finn watched the steam rise out of the water, as she sunk downward...
Finn passed out, he was out like a light...
Well, that sure was something. I hate to say it, but Gmanny212, although you are not a good writer, I was entertained thoroughly by this horrid read. It is the best fanfiction featured yet on this blog! So, Gmanny212, while you are a far and long way off from being palatable, you win the award for being the least terrible!
Our last fanfiction, titled "hope i get my chance" by ktsune kuuki is a bisexual 12 year old. Now, I have no idea what a bisexual 12 year old is doing writing very bad sexy fanfiction, but... no, seriously, why did you write this? You're 12. *sigh* Something is wrong in the world when it forces me to analyze a 12 year old's bad Adventure Time sexy fanfiction.
(Marceline's mind) if only we could be together for one hour I would make u fell amazing just one hour
Do I actually have to make fun of this? It's a little too easy.
(out of Marceline's mind) hey Marceline said a very high but smoothed voiced Girl, huh said Marceline in a funk.
Does that sentence make anybody else feel schizophrenic?
Marceline are u okay u look a little blue. No I'm fine bonnie. Okay Marceline u still want to go to the room
"the room?" What room? Whose room?
and play. (Marceline's mind) dame that's right she said I could spend the night (out) yea ready.
(get to princess bubble gums room warning yuriish)
Just -ish? Boy, I don't think I can handle that. Way too hot for little ol' me.
Hey bonnie u still got the toys I play with.
What toys? Are we talking action figures or Barbies? Toy cars? What could she be talking about?
Bonnies face blushes from what she said.
Why? Embarrassed that you play with toys?
Hey we said we would use them only at night okay Marceline. Marceline smirks from the blushing princesses face okay okay. Princess sits on the bed and feels the spot where her beautiful girlfriend lies and accidentally puts her hand on her boob.
Damn those accidental boob touches. They always ruin the moment.
HEY bonnie u okay. Yeah um Marceline can we take our bath now. Hu sure no problem.
"Hu sure no problem."
"Hu sure no"
"Hu"
What?
Undressing she sees princess looking at her. See something u like, Marceline bending over to expose her wet
Her wet...? Um, you didn't finish the... uh... never mind. I didn't want to know anyway. I assume she bent over to expose her wet Marceline.
Marceline what are u doing, the princess in a tizzy. Nothing u just wanted to see this right touch it you know u want to so touch it,
This is way too much pressure for me to handle. If some chick started saying that to me, I would probably freak the hell out.
Marceline knowing she can't handle that much pleaser
Just pointing out this gem of a word. "Pleaser."
try's to handle it any way. Princess touches Marceline's nice wet pussy, mm mm Hu princess can we u know already. Yeah,
I am seriously not the only one feeling like my head is going to explode, right?
Right?
(Warning sex scenes lesbian sex scenes if u no likey no ready okay)
No ready.
Marceline lays on bed with legs open, please fuck me.
You're 12!
How do you even...?
You are twelve! Go... go watch The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter like normal twelve year olds and stop writing things you don't understand and shouldn't understand for years. Hell, I don't even understand, and I'm in my mid-twenties.
Princess gets on top of Marceline's nice slider body.
"Slider?" What?
Mm your skin on mine is making me hot please don't stop whatever I say okay bonnie. Yeah okay I won't stop. Bubble gum starts to lick Marceline's pussy, Marceline moans from pleasure and starts to tear up. Marceline are u okay am I hurting u. N-no I'm not just keep g-going please. Okay Marceline, bubble gum starts to lick Marceline's pussy again but Marceline is still tearing up from the intense heat um able to speak she moans and cries she whispers, please stop, bubble gum stops to see Marceline in agony her face red and her body hot she wants it to feel good for Marceline but how. Bonnie please don't stop the heat is going down.
Okay, this is making me mightily uncomfortable.
Really okay, princess goes down on Marceline as Marceline felling her agony she cums and in that Marceline is done unable to go on with pleaser she insisted for bubble gum she fells sham and so she lies there unable to move.
I wish... no, I'm kind of glad I have no idea what that sentence is even saying.
Bonnie I'm sorry I can't my body if I could move I would do u but, bubble gum pulling out a double headed dildo Marceline tries to move but her body still in pain, please I can't take it but (Marceline's mind) I hope I can take it but my body (out) mm, princess bubble gum puts one end in Marceline and the other in herself Marceline feels strange it doesn't hurt any more but it feels amazing I hope I can take it, she think.
All right.
Uh.
I think that was a success? How do I even define success anymore? I guess I didn't exactly want to drown myself or go to the hospital with alcohol poisoning? I mean... not exactly. Wow, is that success now? My bar is kind of low, I guess.
Let's... let's recap what we have so I can start drinking and not stop until I forget all about a 12 year old writing that last one.
The first fanfiction by WhoscatchingSTDs is all about some kind of alternate universe where Finn murders Jake and has incredibly unrealistic sex with Marceline. It's mostly unrealistic because insulting girls like Marceline does not usually make them more interested in you. In fact it probably makes them not want to talk to you or be around you. I was nice to Whoseatingmoths and refused to belittle them in almost any way whatsoever, mostly providing colorful commentary in the form of funny pictures for my own entertainment until I became bored with that and just got into my awful old habits. Sorry, I guess? (Not really. It was a really shitty fanfiction, and you should be ashamed of yourself, although at least there was no necrophilia or incest. Be proud of that. Stick to that. We don't need more of that.)
Moving on- The second fanfiction we read through was brilliant in no sense of the word. I think it had to do with a "feud" of some kind between Princess Bubblegum and Flame Princess over Finn. Gmanny212 is on my good list though. It was the least terrible fanfiction I've read through. Oh, it's still bad, but there's nothing offensive or awful about it. I actually kind of liked how the intenisty rose and how "Should've" is now a proper noun. Also, some of the lines in there are absoilutely priceless. I will more than likely use one of them for the title of this entire piece. Gmanny212, you win the least terrible fanfiction I've reviewed award! Yay! It is a proud day for you when I can say I actually somewhat enjoyed most of that.
But, the last fanfiction makes up for the not too awful first two. Honestly, that last one made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially since the author has stated that she? is twelve years old. I... I don't even know how to take that, and I kind of want to stop thinking about it. It's really bad, and the author needs to learn how to write, learn what sentences are, and learn that at twelve, things like sex are and should be beyond you. I think it was about Marceline adn Princess Bubblegum having "yuriish" sex, but it was so badly written with words that either don't exist or that I don't recognize that it became more insane by the minute. If you had told me it was written by a mental patient (or a teenage girl *sigh*) I would easily have believed you.
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